So here I am. I'm back again except this time I'm thinking about someone I should not be thinking about. I thought that with some time, things would get better but somehow they have gotten worse. I just called him over five times from a private number and I wish I could say I was embarrassed and disgusted with myself but the truth is I'm just ready to go in for more. Ready to go toe to toe with the soul-scorching realization that this person does not want me, care for me, or will ever have my best interests in mind. Much like the person I'm dating right now except they have the capacity to answer the phone when I call and at least shower me with physical affection to make up for the fact that we are in no way emotionally and psychologically compatible together. When did my life become this way? I yearn for people who have no room in their heads or hearts for me. The other day I blocked some guy who wouldn't stop asking when we were going to meet up for sex, and he found me on several different pages to call me pathetic and say that I need to respect myself more. Jokes on you dude, I guess in some way I already knew that. And I'm fighting past it like I don't even care anymore. Someone calls me ugly. So what, just another day. A gold-digging hussy? I crawl into bed and create yet another fake profile to try to get closer to the only ex-boyfriend who came back to visit my bed. My life- these choices, are truly ruining me. They are ruining my head, heart, body, and soul and if they were ropes I would be found sitting in the corner of my room gnawing at them trying desperately to escape, but to no avail. Only to find out my constant gnawing and teeth plucking was simply pulling the ropes closer to my body, threatening to squeeze what was left of my life right out of me. Maybe there's a way to forget all of this. Visit a hypnotist or something and clear out all the bad habit patternmaking thoughts and replace them with what I should be doing instead. I don't want to think about how long it's been since I've last been able to type like this. To read write or do anything normal for my benefit. All I feel and know right now is a dull pain that can occasionally be quashed with vaping or food from my favorite fast food places. If someone were to read this or walk in on this sector of my life I wonder what they would say? Something inside me makes me feel like I would want them to be upset. Irate, furious at the way I've been keeping, not caring, for myself, and turning over tables and chairs to get me to wake up and listen to the sound of my best years slipping away right in front of me. All I can say is that person is not coming, that person is me and as for me, I can barely get the upper body strength to open most doors much less turn over tables and chairs in a cry to get me to change my own life. If any higher power is listening right now, I don't just pray right now I beg. Please please please, help me change my life. Light the fire under my ass that I need to wake the fuck up, clear my psyche of the need for these men who don't need me, and put that energy wholly and entirely in pursuit of love and care towards the future I deserve.
