I Never Thought I'd Go Back!

[Christine13]

After serial quitting many years, I finally stopped smoking, for 2 1/2 years, just shy of my 900 days then I fell.

I went out and bought a package of smokes and smoked 4 over a 2 day period.  I lost it all, all that time and hard work!!  Yeah, even after 2 1/2 years, the demon is still there, lurking, waiting to take you back down the road, to smoking.  I gave away my cigarettes the next day and I'm resetting my quit date.

What triggered it, was the smell of smoke coming through my adjoining basement wall with the two neighbours next door.  Both are heavy smokers.  Then I was witnessing a younger woman, smoking in the AA group I was attending.  Then I got snowed in, and feeling all the isolation of the holidays and being physically sick, and being alone Christmas and New Year's.  Ahhh, you say what a pity party?  Yup, depression and wondering what and who it was all for.  Then suddenly the craving for drinks and cigarettes came back to me.  

I needed that reward cigarette!!  Well, it was my folly - it was NOT a reward!!  Cigarettes are cunning, baffling and powerful, drugs.  Yeah it's a shame that I have to start over, it took me 15 years to get to the point, where I had a solid quit, and I quite literally blew it away with four cigarettes!!  Was it worth it?  NOT A BIT. Izn fact I knew I was literally playing with fire. 

I have to forgive myself tho, now, and stop beating myself up.  What's done can't be undone, but it is a mistake, and I can learn from it.  So far I still have my sobriety.  Most of you know I quit both addictions cold turkey the day I fell and almost had to have my ankle amputated.  I honestly thought I was done for life!

I don't normally have time in my day to come here anymore but I think it's important that perhaps you can learn from my mistake.  I was hungry, angry, lonely and tired.  I was restless, irritable and discontent.

One is too many and a thousand not enough!  I did reach out for help, but either I wasn't listening, or my mind was made up and I just said screw it and did what I wanted to do.  I was romancing the cigarettes and alcohol, that always got me into this jamb before, and it did again.

Christine13

[McMoney]

Hugs to you, Christine.  I’m glad you shared this.  I’m on my own path as it relates to smoking and drinking so I thank you. This time of year and the holidays may be hard for you, I am sure it is. Even though I don’t know you, I read your bio.   I hope in similar moments you are able to find that light inside yourself and remember that you matter, you are worth it, you are loved even when you are alone or lonely.    🩵 

[YoungAtHeart]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

So sorry!  So glad you are right back at it. 

Do remember to change up your routines.  If I remember correctly, that was one of your keys to success last time.  Even doing daily routines in a different order helps.  When you are out and about, find new routes to your destinations.  Maybe take the Daily Pledge?

Hugs!

Nancy

[ReallyReal]

Thank you for sharing your story with us and very glad to hear you are getting right back to being quit.  Yes, addiction is insidious, but everything that happens in our quits  can be seen as a lesson to learn from--that's how I view it after losing a quit in 2022.  I find myself now a little more vigilant and a little more proactive when it comes to beating this addiction.  Sharing your story here helps me and will help others remember we must remain vigilant even after quite some time nicotine-free and aware we are addicts and just one doesn't exist.  Thank you so much, truly appreciate you. Wishing you the very best in beating this thing.  You are amazing!!

[Barbscloud]

@Christine13 Sorry to hear that but glad you're back on track.  Think about slips (lapse) instead of a relapse. Four cigarettes in 2 1/2 years - it's something to consider.

Coping With a Lapse - EX Community

Slip (lapse) vs Relapse - EX Community

Barb

[MarilynH]

Oh my gosh my dear sweet Chris! @Christine13 🤗💕  please quit beating yourself up! Deep breaths!  Thankfully You're back on your quit and you've got 12 precious Days WON! Huge caring hug from me to you Chris, you've got this! 

[maryfreecig]

Honestly Christine13, it's not the end of your quit. You found yourself quickly after you fell backward and are not making excuses. You know what happened. Fear and darkness happen to all of us, especially this time of year, especially as we grow older IMO. We all have to double up on smober/sober  at times. Walk the walk. That is what you have been doing for a 2.5 years. Thanks for telling what happened and please update how you are doing. 

[biscuit9]

@Christine13   I agree, not the end of your quit and those 4 cigs don't define you, unless you let it.  I've lost a long quit too, we are fallible.  Still, you are here admitting how it happened and how you are human.  Start using the tools, doing the reading, etc.  We are with you as well and we all know how easy it is to fall back into this addiction.  Stay strong Christine and journal as you need to.  

[Maki]

Christine , thanks for sharing your story , your honesty about this is so good . You met addiction face to face and I believe now for the final time .
I want to highlight what struck me and caught my eye was that you said you did reach out and you still smoked .  Flesh and addiction , our worst enemies in solitude . I can almost feel how distressed you must have been .  I was there too one time here on Ex actually and posted reached  out too 8 years into my quit but thankfully I never gave in but it was not easy . I am sorry it was so bad for you too so you can see at Ex you are not alone .  Please remember the Ex here as a second family . We all really do care . There is always time in every day to drop by a minute or two ok in good times and in bad . I’ve missed you here , thought of you often . I saw you a while ago on and yes feared this either had happened or was about to.. but … 
Here you are now and like you said what’s done is done, so you just keep chugging forward now ok . Lesson learned . 
I hope you feel encouraged because I believe this will now be a continued quit  from this and that it’s going to last forever . This experience taught you what you need to know for you to do that . Keep going Christine . Proud of you . 

[CommunityAdmin]

@Christine13 So sorry about your relapse, but the good thing is that you got right back on track  and reached out for help. Stay strong and encourage! You will be stronger because of this. 

Here is a helpful article that may be useful: https://www.becomeanex.org/ex-resources/about-quitting/stay-quit/how-to-recover-from-a-slip-or-relap...

Quiana, EX Team 

[champsin97]

Four cigarettes in 2 1/2 years.  Yeah you slipped up but you still have all that quit time.  With all the knowledge you have now it won't be hard at all to resume your quit.  You're not starting over by any means.  Just keep on keeping the way you were and just learn from it.  Kudos for sharing as this might shed light on these perils for others.

[Christine13]

Thanks everyone for your kind comments, you all understand addiction so well.

I will be checking in much more often now, in my down time.

I love you all, my friends!

Chris

[indingrl]

Gentle hug sweet friend @Christine13 

You are very experienced at staying NOPE a day at a time and I believe you don't lose that experience with years of staying nicotine free and your using nicotine to cope with your insides because you did what addicts do.......WE use our drug nicotine....it happens and but for the grace of God go I......you are not alone using our drug nicotine I quit and sucked on death sticks over and over too.....no worries dear friend 

Your loving self care is in action now and  with self awareness and most of all self acceptance it happened and now a big congratulations for nope just for TODAY it is all any of us have this day ONLY 

Lesson learn is your spiritual awakening that you are back and so courageous to think to thine own self be true self honesty you used and you learned and you felt all the pain and faced your inner fears to share your experience strength and hope with us to state clear and loud just for today NotOnePuffEver

I love you my dear one just for being you 

[SuzyQ411]

@Christine13 ~ My dear sweet friend and quit buddy: I give you all kids of credit for sharing publicly what you have been harboring privately. I have immense respect for you and I know your heart. You are back on track and I just know you will succeed. It's just a brief hiccup in a 2.5 year run. 💜

[Giulia]

Ah, sweet Christine.  There is nothing new under the sun that I haven't already said to you during your journey.  The title of your blog (I Never Thought I'd Go Back) is another strengthening layer for my own quit.  For it's something I can hear myself possibly saying.  And I don't want to.  So it makes me stand more firm in my resolve.  But you haven't lost it all.  You just lost the battle momentarily.  A brief skirmish.  Though if the cravings have come back in full force because of the relapse, then the cost is great.  And I'm sorry if that's the case.

"I don't normally have time in my day to come here anymore."  May I suggest you find even five minutes to come and read one blog on here daily.  I don't communicate on here as avidly as I used to, but there is rarely a day I don't come and check in on the site.  I find that "touching base" helps keep my quit secure.  It's a reminder from whence I  came and where I don't want to return.  That place of craving.  

Thank you for your honesty.  It helps us all.  Including you.  Charge on!  ♥

[SuzyQ411]

@Christine13 ~ Just popping in to say that I totally agree with @Giulia 's comments: A brief skirmish.  Thank you for your honesty. Go girl! xox

[Maki]

How are you doing @Christine13 ?