Being forced to quit is different than wanting to quit

[linkinkohl02]

I am being forced to quit smoking by a surgeon. Today is day 3 (quit 9/1/18, but my profile is acting wonky since I chose a date prior to joining the site!). It's not the greatest time for it as I'm just getting over food poisoning, but it is what it is. I have no choice. So far my side effects are irritability, restlessness, indigestion, and being lightheaded.

I have costochondritis in my back, and have had it for over a year. My chiropractor believes that a surgical procedure would alleviate the stress on my back, so I had a consultation for surgery in June. The surgeon absolutely refuses to operate if I smoke, and swears he will take a nicotine test on me before surgery.

I completely understand the reason I have to quit smoking, but the way he handled the situation actually really made me mad and the way he acted was in a way that made me feel less. I am not less. I am a smoker. He was actually a really big jerk about the whole thing. It was almost a reverse psychology thing. Anyone who's been a smoker knows the feeling. The inner temper tantrum, when someone tells you it's bad for you. Well then, I'll just light on up and blow it in your face. Of course, I wouldn't do something like that in the real world. Contrary to popular belief..... 

SMOKERS. ARE. NOT. STUPID.

I don't like being treated as if I'm stupid. I am not less important than a non-smoker. In fact, I go out of my way to smoke away from non-smokers, and feel ashamed of being a smoker when there's a non-smoker around. Non-smokers just happen to seek us smokers out to make us feel less than. Don't get me started on ex-smokers, they're even worse. I don't mean all ex-smokers, but you know the kind. Those that make you feel like an awful, stupid human that doesn't deserve existence. Smokers are not stupid. Smoking is stupid. I know this. Okay, back to my original tangent.

When I originally found out, I put myself through a trial quit. I was able to do it and I used Chantix to help. It certainly did help, along with the Harmless Cigarette I have (nicotine free!). I quit for one full week, until I used my husband and his friends getting drunk as an excuse to smoke a cigarette because I don't drink - and, I really wanted to figuratively kill them in their annoying state. I am not using Chantix or any other medication this time around. I don't like having to find the right concoction to not make me nauseous. I didn't mind the crazy dreams, though!

I did great for a week, but I didn't keep it up. I didn't 'want the pack to go to waste.' I have a million excuses. I do not feel a want to be dedicated to being a non-smoker. I would, however, like to get to that point eventually. I promise nothing.

Here's the downside to this whole thing, the reason I'm posting, the bane of my existence.... besides being forced to do something I don't want to do. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. Smoking was my 'break' from annoying co-workers. It got me out of my chair at work and away from people because I'm the ONLY smoker. It is way too hot to go for a walk. I find my co-workers irritating and unbearable when I am smoking. How do I tolerate them while I'm going through this alone?

I don't know if I'm going to stay quit. I don't have a reason why I want to continue to smoke. Currently, the addiction in me feels it's much more important for this to be a temporary quit than permanent. But, I know I only need to get through one day at a time. Yesterday doesn't matter and even though tomorrow does matter for at least the next six weeks (that's how long I MUST be quit), it won't matter at some point. As one co-worker I don't find repulsive says, "Win the day."

I should add for the commenters... I have read Allan Carr's books. I have listened to them. I have tried to do the hypnosis. I have joined his online classes. His stuff is hooey and I can't focus on meditation to do my own self hypnosis. I did find a kinder book that I enjoyed much more by Caroline Cranshaw. Informative, but still didn't give me the final nudge.

I'm not ready, and I don't know why. My addiction is having a temper tantrum with my logic.

[Sootie]

Hello......glad you found this site and hope you will let us help you with support and advice. You are an addict.............WELCOME TO THE CLUB.......we ALL are.

It is hard for someone who is NOT an addict to understand an addict's mind. That's why non smokers seem as if they are "treating you as less than they are".......I think they just don't understand. Ex smokers?........well, let's just say I don't think you'll find a lot of judgemental types here in EX. 

HOWEVER, we will question you and advise you to try to get you to see what a worthless, dangerous, destructive thing smoking is. Try reading some of our blogs........you will find MANY of us went into this kicking and screaming as you have. Not everyone was a happy quitter.......although, many were. However, no one who has a good long quit is unhappy that they quit........nobody.

Try to ignore the way your surgeon approached this subject and just take the information he gave you. Smoking makes surgeries (all surgeries) less successful and recovery more difficult. So he didn't have a winning personality...........who cares? You aren't planning to be friends with him. You just want him to make you well.

Let me just say this.......you may think you need smoking to relax, take a break, calm down..........any number of things. WE ALL DID. However, please trust me that you do not. You can do this and not only is it not horrible but on the other side......it's so GREAT you can't imagine. Sorry is I sound like a pain the a_ _ ex smoker.....but I have to tell the truth. Life outside of addiction is fantastic. I hope you get to experience it.

Stay in touch....reach out to us whenever you need it.

Stay Strong.

[Sootie]

Oh---and for the record.....I didn't like Alan Carr's book either. Many on here do/did.....but not me. I do like whyquit.com.........try it and see if you do. We aren't all "cookie cutter" stamp outs here....we have our own likes and dislikes and you can feel free to add yours. It is many different people, personalities and opinions who make EX the great community it is.

[linkinkohl02]

Thank you, Sootie! My complaints are based on my in-person experience with both ex-smokers and non-smokers. My father in law is the biggest culprit. He did not intend to quit - he got sick and now is the most holier-than-thou ex-smoker than anyone else I know.

My biggest fear with my surgery is that the surgeon will be careless in his duty because he does not agree with my lifestyle. I'm sure it will be fine and it's an illogical fear.

Thanks again!

[elvan]

I so agree that smokers are not stupid...I HATED the way people looked at me when they found out I smoked...I felt like they were constantly judging me and making me feel less than.  Unfortunately, MY addiction led to COPD...severe enough so that I had to have both upper lobes of my lungs surgically removed so that I would stop trapping air and being overwhelmed with shortness of breath.  It helped a LOT at the beginning but I was told that it was not a cure...that the BEST I could hope for was 3-5 years of improved quality of life...after that, I would be a candidate for a lung transplant.  What a horrible thing to hear.  It has been close to three years since the surgery.  I work out regularly and I eat a healthier diet than I ever did.  I have chronic back pain from severe degenerative disc disease which has given me scoliosis, I have osteoporosis and Rheumatoid arthritis...there is no surgery for me.  My discs have deteriorated so severely that nothing can be done.  Did smoking cause that or contribute to it?  I am guessing it certainly contributed to the osteoporosis and MAY have been a contributing factor to my RA, there are some studies that show that, it CERTAINLY caused my COPD.  I would not wish COPD on anyone, it is horrible...the shortness of breath, the fatigue, the disappointment when I cannot complete a task.   I am a retired RN, I have absolutely no excuses for not knowing the possible consequences of smoking...I chose to think that I was somehow immune.  PLEASE know that I do not judge you or anyone else for smoking BUT, I don't want your smoke in MY lungs.  I have worked too hard for this freedom to risk losing it.  Please know also...something very, very important and that is that quitting is not an event, it is a journey.  It is one day at a time, it is sometimes one moment at a time.  Smoking really does NOTHING FOR you...taking a break, walking around even INSIDE of a building, going to a space that is yours...even if it is listening to music on headphones will not HURT you but will perhaps help you to feel that you are getting away from those coworkers.  I identified my triggers...there were many of them and then I tracked my smoking...I wrote down when I smoked and WHY and how it made me feel.  Did it take away the physical pain or the emotional pain?  Did it take away anger?  Did it make me more patient?  I had to admit that it did none of those things...it just satisfied my addiction for a few minutes...I got my "fix".  The craves always came back and sometimes they were so strong that I was not sure I could survive without smoking.  Thanks to this site and the support I received here, my education about this as an addiction, and my commitment to freedom...I have not smoked in over 4 1/2 years.  I never thought I would be able to quit.  I stayed  close to this site, I read everything they advised (I was not a big fan of Allen Carr either BUT I read it), I read blogs, I commented, I listened to what people said was working for them because I KNEW I was not unique...if all of these people could quit, so could I.  I don't know how many were told that they HAD to quit.  I WANTED to quit, I WANTED to be free from the grip that nicotine had on me.  I WANTED to take care of myself and feel good about it.

I strongly suggest a plan...My EX Plan | BecomeAnEX, staying close to the site, reading everything you can and know that everyone here started at a day one...everyone here wants to help you, we all want you to succeed.  Quit ONE DAY AT A TIME.  You CAN do this.

Welcome to EX,

Ellen

[linkinkohl02]

Darn it, I had a whole long comment written out and my browser glitched! Thank you for your kind words, Ellen. I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through! My family also has a cache of illnesses, from immunodeficiencies to COPD (non-smoker). Admittedly, I have been researching quitting for a few years, reading books, joining whyquit, apps. I even joined Facebook pages but found they were quite counterintuitive because it was really just people posting about wanting a cigarette. I will be sure to keep this page bookmarked!

[Giulia]

Yes, being forced to quit IS different from wanting to quit.  Or from knowing you should quit but just haven't yet gotten around to it for the past X number of years.  Doesn't mean you can't quit, however.  

Wow your post brought up a whole bunch of thoughts in my head.  One was:  "I do not feel a want to be dedicated to being a non-smoker."  But don't you see, that you MUST  be dedicated in order to overcome this addiction. If you promise nothing - then nothing will be what you achieve.  I mean????  Ya know?  

 "My addiction is having a temper tantrum with my logic."  Yes.  But our addiction has nothing to do with logic.  "Smokers are not stupid" is absolutely true.  Intellect and logic have no relationship to addiction.  UNTIL we actually apply our intellect and knowledge to overcoming it.  

There is a WEALTH of information within the pages here to give you the education  you need. Whether it's what to do with yourself because your co-workers are annoying as hell and you need to get away from them or... 

You're not alone.

Now I'm about to give some tough love opinion.  If you don't like it, don't read past this point.  Fair warning.  It's my opinion as a quitter with 12 years under my belt.  As we say here, "take what you like and leave the rest."

Being forced to quit is an awful emotional place to be as a smoker.  As any addict.  And everything in us is going to balk at it.  That's a given.  You are not a stupid smoker.  But I think perhaps you are still a stupid quit attempter.  Only because you keep defending your lack of ability to quit.  I believe you can quit and you know you can quit and you just need to determine that you're going to.  If you only want to quit for the prescribed amount of time your doctor told you you need to for the operation - fine.   Sort of like those who quit when their pregnant.  For me, if I'd managed to stay smoke free for months I'd not go back to another Day One because I know how awful they are.  

Listen to your own words here:  "I don't know if I'm going to stay quit. I don't have a reason why I want to continue to smoke."  They are total opposites.  In the same breath no less.  

"Currently, the addiction in me feels it's much more important for this to be a temporary quit than permanent. But, I know I only need to get through one day at a time. Yesterday doesn't matter and even though tomorrow does matter for at least the next six weeks (that's how long I MUST be quit), it won't matter at some point. As one co-worker I don't find repulsive says, "Win the day."  

It won't matter at some point?  Why won't it?  You have to recognize that that's a choice YOU make.  All of this is a choice YOU make.  As you say, you are not a stupid smoker.  You can go through this quitting process and take it as a spiritual learning experience, a chance to grow emotionally,  or you can take it, just the way you've expressed it.  Rather negatively.  That you didn't like the Carr book, that you HAVE to do this, that the surgeon wasn't particularly kind to you and was a jerk, that your husbands friends were..., that you co-worker spouts platitudes, that you loathe ex smokers because of their attitude towards ....

We addicted smokers are NEVER READY to quit.  But we can make up our minds to do so.  /blogs/Giulia-blog/2018/03/01/quitting-is-a-skill-that-can-be-learned?sr=search&searchId=4af1162c-6b...‌  

Question - have you never wanted to quit before this moment in time when you are FORCED to?  If so, then you're not a virgin in the quitting thought process.  

What do you want?  From what I've read that you've written everything in you is fighting against having to to quit.  Nowhere do I read that you grasp that smoking is not good for you.  Not on a real level.  Until you grasp that basic truth - you will fight having to quit.  And you will be miserable.  That's a kind of hell.  You don't have to want to quit.  I didn't.  But once I did and stuck with it and got through the rite of passage to the other side of cravings - my God - the freedom from the slavery is...  the joy of breathing anew.  

My wish for you is that you accept what you need to do for the next X number of weeks.  That you do it.  But that you take it as a learning experience.  And not just a HAVE TO!  You can use this time to grow in so many amazing ways.  It's all in how we choose to look at things.  We are limited by our physical perceptions, but not by our's mind's perceptions.  

"I don't know if I'm going to stay quit."  I don't know either.  But my hopes that you do.

[linkinkohl02]

Thank you for your insight, Giulia. I appreciate the feedback! To answer a few things - wanting to quit but not wanting to quit were contradictory statements said in different breaths, not the same. That's why they are two different sentences. This is obviously an argument I have in myself, and many smokers do. You know this.  

As for tomorrow not mattering, actually I got that information right from the EX page. Yesterday and tomorrow don't matter - the only day that matters is today. 

I have tried the quit before, and I know the only way I'm going to do it is to tell the addiction to basically shut up (or, as Allan Carr puts it, the nicotine monster. But, his plans do not work for me). I usually get to the third day and say forget it. The only reason I can say that I have fought to remain a smoker is that I can identify better with my parents. Obviously, a stupid reason. I also get really annoyed at my ex-smoking co-worker. He makes fun of me and, again, like a kid, I have a temper tantrum and want to do it even more just to 'show him.' I know I'm not showing anyone in reality.

I know smoking is not good for me. It's not good for anyone. But as the pariah Allan Carr says it, that's the nicotine monster saying it, trying to convince you to continue to do it. While telling that monster 'no' might work for some, for others it doesn't (again, hooey to me). I'm doing fine this morning, but was having a downer night as a co-worker had texted me and realized I have nowhere to go with this during work (I can't get a minute to myself).

To close, I know this is all on me. My blog isn't necessarily asking for advice, but putting my thoughts out there because they exist, regardless of whether they are right or wrong. And, yes, sometimes we all need some tough love and thick skin!  

Thank you again, and I hope to be a full-time long term forever non-smoker.

[linkinkohl02]

Perhaps, also, smoking is one thing I CAN control, as most of my life had not been within my control. But, this also means that while I cantc control quitting, I CAN control the quit - and the subsequent wants to start back up.

[Jennifer-Quit]

It is really all about choices.  You have chosen to quit in order to get a needed surgery.   Others here have quit successfully when they were forced to - due to health and insurance costs.  Even though they did not want to quit - they decided to quit.  You can decide that too!

Breaks at work were difficult for me also in the beginning.  I really needed to get away from my desk for a while but really had nothing to do.  Instead of smoking on my breaks, I would take a short walk (sometimes just around the office), have a snack, or check in at this site.  It did get better with time.

I really hope that you continue to not smoke after your surgery.  The feeling of freedom from this horrible addiction is truly wonderful, and I hope that you can experience it.  Wishing you all the best!

[linkinkohl02]

Thank you, Jennifer - and congratulations on your quit!!!!

On Tue, Sep 4, 2018, 9:47 AM Jennifer-Quit-05-01-14 <

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Here's one concept most smokers don't understand about quitting smoking.

You don't have to want to quit smoking to quit smoking.

If you don't decide to quit, no amount of wanting to quit is going to help you.

I can guarantee you would be doing yourself a big favor if you quit, whether you wanted to or not.

It most catches up to us in the form of additional health problems later in life.

Willingness, not willpower.

Time is the healer.

Keep them away from your face

/blogs/jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007-blog/2011/06/26/what-to-expect-in-the-first-four-months 

[SimplySheri]

Welcome to the neighborhood   Can I suggest that you aren't being forced to quit?  No doctor can 'force you' any more than family or friends or employment can.  He can refuse to do your surgery, of course, if you don't quit but it is your choice whether you quit or not.  Now you may need that surgery but can I also suggest that you might be thinking that you need surgery more than you need cigarettes?  Therefore, you may want to quit until the surgery is completed?  

I am not being argumentative, just trying to point out that it's all in how you look at things.  I like your post and the way you express yourself.  You may be simply thinking out loud and that's ok.  No advice from me unless you ask for it.  I'm not really good at advice anyhow  

I hope you get what you need from this site.  I hope you make a few friends along the way.  I hope you continue your quit as it's the best gift you could ever give yourself.  Freedom from addiction is relief every day   I hope you heal from your physical ailments as well.  Sounds like you have a very competent surgeon.  

[Giulia]

I hear you.  Sometimes we just need to write our thoughts out to find clarity.  You are definitely not alone with the back and forth dialogue that goes on in our heads.  /blogs/Giulia-blog/2016/09/06/a-quit-dialogue-in-iv-acts?sr=search&searchId=9b350c43-9a7c-4237-88af-...‌

[linkinkohl02]

Thank you, Dale!

[linkinkohl02]

LOL thank you! That's pretty much what I'm doing, thinking out loud but putting it out there. It's more real for me if I'm putting it out there because then others know about it. As least, that's my perception. I hope to make many friends on here, also!

[linkinkohl02]

Thank you, Giulia! I hope to be here for a long time 🙂

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Beating craves

Cut a straw into thirds to chew on and have something to fiddle with, with your hands

Flavored toothpicks.

I liked wint-o-green lifesavers

Frozen grapes

Bad crave come here and post HELP

or

bite into a lemon skin and all

or

stick your head in the freezer and count slowly backwards from 20.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

You're welcome. 

[Posamari]

I've not read all the comments so forgive me if I repeat what has already been said.

What I found was the best for me in the quit journey was reading anything and everything about nicotine addiction; all the blogs and posts (past and present) on this site, plus the support I got from the wonderful members here.  Exercise-- walking, cycling,swimming, yoga etc to get started-- helped immensely.  Meditation.

And to always remember no one has ever regretted they quit smoking. Only regretted that they smoked.

I've never heard anyone say 'That was stupid of me to quit smokng'.

You'll be ok and will get through this. I smoked off and on for 40 yrs. I've damaged my lungs and have other health issues related to smoking. Tomorrow morning I'm scheduled for a bronchoscopy because of an enlarged and thickened esophagus--- caused by smoking no doubt. I'm scared. What if they find cancer? 

It's been almost 2 years since my last cigarette. Please don't wait until it's too late for you to quit.

I can relate and understand everything you expressed. I could have written that at some point.

I truly loved to smoke, but it was 

SLOW SUICIDE.

Good luck. We're here to support you. You can do it. 

[linkinkohl02]

Thank you Posamari! I wish you the very best of luck at your appointment

and hope there's no bad news!

On Wed, Sep 5, 2018, 12:41 AM Posamari <communityadmin@becomeanex.org>

[elvan]

Posamari‌ Will be thinking of you...hope everything goes well at the doctor.  Saying prayers...keep us posted.

Ellen