I have a love affair with smoking. I seriously love smoking. I have finally realized that I'm not just addicted to cigarettes; I'm addicted to the relationship. The moments when I can go outside and drift in my own thoughts, puffing away in a Zen like state. Drinking my wine or coffee. It's relaxing, it's my "me" time, it's my escape from reality, and sometimes my grasp on sanity....and it’s killing me. I'm in an abusive relationship and have just figured out that I can leave. The epiphany I had today was that quitting smoking is not just about "can I break my addiction and bad habits", it was "can I walk away from what has been the longest relationship in my life? "
Even as an adult I am an avid day dreamer. I like to imagine ‘what if’ scenarios and imagine what life would be like if I had done x instead of y. Smoking has always allowed me the moments away, the solitude, to indulge my over active imagination. I fear that without smoking I will also have to leave behind these moments of solitude and escape, and simply live in reality. My reality is not bad in any way; I’m simply plagued by an overwhelming feeling of underachievement. I haven’t come anywhere close to fulfilling my potential and yet I cannot see a path that would get me close to doing so. So to cope I allow myself to imagine a life where I have that sense of achievement, or success, or hell- a life where I’m a super ninja assassin named Nikita (and not the CW version either)-like I said, active imagination. We all have our own versions of escapism and this happens to be mine. It also happens to be deeply connected to my smoking habits.
So on top of beating the physical battle of addiction and the mental battle of habit, I'm going to have to beat a whole new emotional battle of facing reality instead of retreating into my mind. I’m going to have to get over my ‘what ifs’ and make then into “what next.” I use smoking as a crutch for escapism, and I use my escapism to condone my smoking. For the first time I realize that I need to break both addictions if I am to have any success.
Good news, I can see it now so I can find a way to beat it. The bad news...this is going to be fucking hard.
