A bit gross inside......

[JustSharon]

My quit date: 9/15/2017 TOMORROW. I have a few left in a pack that I just have to finish in order for my mind to move. Should be done with those around noon today. I wanted to make tomorrow my quit day so I wake clean and ready to tackle the day.

     Last night I learned something powerful about myself and all my excuses and failures. While I was busy hacking up a lung, my only true motivation, the one deep down to quit was money. Each month I would say, we are done, we have no money for this. (yes Jake is smoking and is not ready to quit which is his problem not mine). And each month we somehow found the money to smoke. Therein I had my excuse not to be serious about a quit. at least not yet.

     All summer long I smoked more and more. It has just been of recent that with every single puff I would cough and cough and spit and spit some more. My back would ache with the pain of muscles being pulled. my hernia repair job (for those who remember) was being stresses and strained. If I get another hernia it will be another medical emergency, which would mean yet another 6 months till the first knee surgery I haven't had yet. 

     I paid real close attention the last couple of days to just how awful I sounded and felt. Sitting outside all the while wondering if the neighbors were going to come over and ask me to keep my bodily functions to myself, oh the dread of that.

     I am sick and tired of all the warnings from my doctors. Sick of their advice as I rebelled and defended my right. Well last night was the turning point. I coughed so hard once I puked. "That's It" I told me. Plain and simple. Much more is going on here than money. I'm really killing myself. A realization I could once not accept. I can no longer take the cough, the spitting, splitting head and a back that just staved up. And to think, I don't have to feel this way. Herein lies the truth. I'm ashamed of all my past excuses. They no longer matter because all those excuses were lies. Tried as I did to quit, I had to arrive here. 

     So here is the time I've been waiting for, the bare truth.

[JACKIE1-25-15]

Glad you have arrived.  Always,  we are here for you.  Yay!!!!!

[MarilynH]

You will do this quit one precious smoke free day, hour, minute or even second at a time, believe in yourself Sharon and know that you can and will be successful, stay determined, willing and 100 % committed and you will be rocking through your days WON! Here's something I've shared on a blog and shared a couple of times on the love yourself forum so I'd like to share it with you.

[Jennifer-Quit]

Welcome back!

[TW517]

What a great blog!  Seriously!  This is something you can come back to read in a couple weeks or couple months when you are feeling better health wise, and tempted to have "just one" cigarette.  Going back to read my early blogs (and others like yours) was really helpful to me as time went on and complacency set in.

[Daniela2016]

So good to see you back Sharon, and thank you for opening up with such sincerity.  I am sorry you have to go through with all the health issues, but you know now, at least partially it is in your power to heal yourself!

Welcome back, and as always, we are here to help whenever you need us!

[TW517]

Whoops, got called away from my desk before I was done.  I wanted to add that I'm sure right now, you are frantically trying to figure out how you will survive today and tomorrow, and could care less about 2 weeks or months from now.  It looks to me like you have some great (even if a little gross ) reasons to fight for this.  Trust yourself.  You will get through this.

[YoungAtHeart]

Keep your eye on the prize!  The early days can be difficult - you KNOW that!  But - think, really think, about how nice it will be to take a deep, clean breath!  No coughing, no wheezing, no gunk. 

How NICE that will be - won't it?

Keep this blog handy as you travel the journey to freedom.  It will help remind you to

                                        

I'm glad you're back!

Nancy

[elvan]

JustSharon‌ I am so happy for you, you absolutely can do this, you are paying attention.  That is a key to success.  I don't know if you read johio's blog today but it was really eye opening and should cement anyone's decision to quit.  I remember that cough you are describing really well...it was horrifying, it sounded like sewage moving around and basically, it sort of was.  I don't cough like that anymore.  I AM short of breath but that's something I am learning to live with because it is not going to change.  MAYBE, I can slow it down, I am willing to try.  That money that you were always able to find for cigarettes should be set aside as a prize for you...you will be astounded at how fast it adds up.  I live in VA and our cigarettes are much cheaper than most parts of the country but it STILL made a difference.

Congratulations on your decision, Sharon!  Welcome home.

Ellen

[JustSharon]

All bookmarked Nancy. Thanks for the welcome back!

[JustSharon]

Thank you all for your welcome back/home, and home it is!

[Giulia]

Glad you're back for another go!

[SkyGirl]

Welcome back, Sharon!  Just look at all the people responding to your blog.  You have so much support!

When you talked about the "bare truth" being a turning point for you, it made me think of things I've heard about alcohol addiction.  It is said that an alcoholic must reach his own personal "rock bottom" before he is really to commit to being sober.  Everyone's "rock bottom" is different.  It can be a night where the drinker embarrassed himself badly all the way to killing an innocent while driving drunk.  And many other things in between.

I'm thinking that you have probably heard similar things about quitting nicotine.  No one can talk you into quitting if you aren't ready.  You can't quit for someone else.  Smokers just have to reach a point, all on their own, when they hit their own personal "rock bottom" and the scale finally tips---and then you know that you want to be free of nicotine MORE than you want to keep smoking.

It sounds like this "bare truth" revelation is your scale finally tipping.  Perhaps up until now, although you SAID that you wanted to be free...you haven't been truly ready because you still wanted to smoke MORE than you wanted to be free.

Use all the negative feelings you feel about coughing, spitting, vomiting, wheezing to your advantage now.  Use those feelings to build up your resolve to find your Forever Quit.  Let all that negative stuff lead you to do the reading again, do the trigger and delaying exercises again, be a constant presence here on EX.  

I know you've heard me say this a million times...but, this time, read it several times and think about exactly what those words mean to you.

Make the DECISION to quit smoking.

Then COMMIT to that decision.

And then HONOR your commitment to yourself, no matter what life throws at you.

I think you are finally ready to find your Forever Quit.  The road to quitting can have a lot of twists and turns.  It can look like there are huge roadblocks on that road.  But if you have truly committed to your decision, you will honor that commitment and keep on going.  

It's not a "sacrifice", Sharon, it's FREEDOM.  We found our freedom.  Now it's YOUR turn to be free.

xxxooo,  Sky

[Barbara145]

So glad you are back.  You are right about killing ourselves.  It is the truth.  We are here for you.  I did it, I know you can.

[Christine13]

Glad you are back Sharon.  I hope today goes well.  I like you was coughing and spitting, sputtering, it was awful.

I know this is also my turning point.  I was with Brian at Cancercare the other day when he was getting his transfusions, I heard a man there saying how sick he'd been from some intensive radiation he had and that his tumour had shrunk, and he was very grateful each day now that he had.  That along with some other events have pulled me away from the cigarettes.  Only each of us can do this for ourselves.  We have to love ourselves enough to give us this precious gift of freedom.  I just know WE WILL do this.  Remember it's a process and a journey to be free and not an event.

[Sootie]

HELLO SHARON!!!!! It's more than 1/2 way through 9/15....hope all is going well! So GLAD to have you back with us.

[tjanddj]

Hello Sharon! Making a quick stop in to celebrate with you!  I do hope all is going well for you today. May your journey of becoming hack free be made with a commitment to your quit. Save a lung - not one puff ever. Glad you are back!

Trudy

[maryfreecig]

You've called it. That's a great thing.