So many of you have been with me since I first started blogging and reading and commenting. You have been kind and patient; you have been honest. You have been intuitive knowing what I needed even when I didn’t. I am trying with all of the energy I have, to keep going, to keep from just falling apart because I am so tired, I am so short of breath. It means that I have to budget the small amount of energy and breath that I have. I must accept that there are many things I can not do any more. I am not sure if I will ever be able to do them again. I expected to feel better than this, I expected to be able to complete things that I started but I cannot do that anymore. I cannot vacuum or take care of things around the house; I can’t catch my breath. I will see my pulmonologist in early Feb but I don’t think he can offer me much. He may want me to do pulmonary rehab again…I have really severe issues getting from the house to the car, even with the portable oxygen. I have been practicing my breathing so that I can at least TRY to make it from point A to point B without gasping for breath. This is a journey. I HAVE learned that my scoliosis impairs my breathing even more than I recognized. When I bend over, my rib cage pushes my lung tissue up so that I cannot get a breath in. If I MAKE myself breathe through my nose (not always possible), I can keep from the panic situation hitting so completely that I can’t calm down. Living with COPD has brought me as close to clinical depression as I have ever been in my life. Recognizing my limitations and trying to accept them is a constant battle. I really should think of it the same way as I thought of quitting smoking. It’s not a battle, it’s a JOURNEY. When I think of smoking now, it is with great resentment. Just DON’T SMOKE, it’s that simple, just DON’T. It will get easier. Thank you for celebrating my seven year anniversary.
Love,
Ellen
