Hello,
I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that I am on day 3 and doing really good. I am very happy about this decision, and totally committed to it. So far, it's not really to bad...Not nearly as bad as I expected, but this is the first time I have ever tried to quit smoking. At this point, mostly what is in my head is NOPE!!
I had a date that had been pre-planned last night, a death in our family (friends), a really important exam at school, and several other things come up out of the blue...so, it has been a really stressful couple of days...Since the day I went off smoking. And, so far, I have been pretty good. I am very clear that smoking is not going to help any of it, and also clear that the only thing I can do at this point by smoking is lose and go into a pit of despair. I had a drink last night with dinner, and it was a little hard, but it was okay. I don't drink often but figured I would probably not drink for long past my day to stop smoking, and this just sort of came up. I went ahead and did what I would normally do, because I felt like I was prepared for the beast if it should come up...and, I was very careful about what I was doing...I didn't want my defenses to get to far down this soon. So, I actually feel really good that I was able to do that and still manage the smoking cravings. And, I have also had to be around a lot of other smokers, which is unusual, and that has also been okay. I just feel sorry for them. I think of myself as an ex-smoker now and the idea sounds awful. I have no desire to smoke at all.
What I do have is the waves that come up at times, when I feel like I should be doing something. And, I realize that something is to smoke, and then I think well...why would you want to do that. One leads to another. I am drinking a lot of water, as well as making sure I make it to the gym. I am pretty active in terms of exercise, and had been slacking recently, but put my gym time as my priority. It does help me. If I start feeling to tense or stressed it relieves the tension, and at this point, I am looking forward to, and hoping that there is going to be a point, when those waves of tension go away. I don't know how long it takes, but I am hoping it is weeks, rather than months or years, though I am prepared for that as well...Still, I am not sure what to think about it, because the actual physical addiction process is my body healing. However, the habitual part of my thinking that tells me it will always be this way...the brainwashing...Is an illusion, so it is hard to know what to expect from the physical symptoms.
All I can really say, is thank you so much for all of the amazing posts and responses. The few cravings that have come that have been more difficult, have been very tempered by the idea that if I get into any real trouble I can come on here and get some support, or just by reading what people have written. It helps so much...It also makes me feel like there are people who care that I do this and believe that I can do it. Whereas, my family is supportive, but I don't think they believe I can really do it. I was suppose to go to a birthday party last night at a place that is very expensive and would have been much harder to deal with all of the drinking, and I opted out, because I felt this was more important, and kept my date...lol, which is a good thing, because it was a great date, and I have not had one in many years.
I was very, very sick for many years and any kind of relationship has been out of the question. When I started to think about dating again, at the same time I was thinking about quitting, I realized that my choices of men and / or a relationship was totally revolved around smoking. I have turned down many great dates, because I did not want the person to know that I use to be a smoker. I even had one really great guy come all the way from Montana (to CA), and I cancelled at the last minute, because as we had been talking more on the phone, I realized that I did not want to see him, because he might find out about my smoking, and I had also realized that he did not know that I smoked...I did not know how to tell him, so I made up an excuse and cancelled when he got into LA. This is someone I have known for years, and now it occurs to me that I need to clean this up with him, and let him at least know what was really going on...I am a very honest person, who really cares about people, and it is so disappointing to me to believe that smoking has been such an important part of my life that I would behave in such a way, or hurt another, just so that I could smoke! The cost of smoking is so high.
In any case, that's today. And, again, thank you all, so, so much for being here, and staying long after you have quit, being a support to those of us who are clueless, about the process...the education and support is priceless, and given the type of health issues I have, this smoking could of, should of killed me a long time ago...I am feeling pretty lucky at this point. And, my son is a smoker, as is my brother...but, lol...they tend to follow me...and, they have also quit a few times, and then when they get around me...the, "I am never going to even try to quit person" (I use to say with pride), and as soon as they would get around me, they would start smoking again. I would actually get mad at them when they tried to quit. I believe they will actually have a chance to quit, since I have. And, I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and when I was there I had to feel out the form. When asked if I smoked, I checked the box that said no, and I was amazed at that feeling. It was only day two, but I told myself it was okay, because I am an ex-smoker now, and did not want to do anything, but acknowledge that fact...with confidence, rather than sheepishly feel like I didn't have the right, because I might fail. I am not allowing room for failure. NOPE!
I hope everyone is having a great week-end, and doing well with their quits...All my love, Em
