iT'S "The Good Smoker " here. I haven't written to anyone for awhile but some of you have been keeping in touch with me and I thank you for that! YES I HAVE BEEN SMOKING. I want to swear and scream and though a fit but that would help nothing. And of course in my mind I can here some people saying or thinking "Boy we have a lot of winners here" or "She is really feeling sorry foe her self , boo hoo." That's just my messed up mind. Yes, I am back to not smoking and no matter what I will not quit trying to quit, but I really thought I had quit before. I made it almost 4 days. I did not want to have to do that again for nothing in the world! I keep thinking "why do people go back to smoking after they have made it through with drawl when withdrawal is so hard?" Then I turned around and smoked and I am so disappointed in myself I can't even find the words to express it. I want a smoke so bad right!!! This is INSAIN. I don't trust myself either. I found an empty pack of cigarettes in my purse and almost had a heart attack because I thought there maybe some in there and I would have lit right up. The last time I felt stronger, Now I feel like everything I hate in people IE wimpy, whinny, scared, weak and so on.Today I will be seeing that therapist I was hoping I wouldn't need anymore to help me learn how to deal with stress and anger in other ways then smoking. I am sure I will hate whatever he has to say. And to think I was so mad at my doctor when I was 3 days clean and he said he wouldn't document that I quit smoking yet. I was so sure I was doing it and I planned on proving it to him all the more- then the next day I smoked. I need to do something different this time. I am just not sure what, except learn how to deal better with my emotions. I guess that is a big "except"! That's it for me in so many ways and in so many aspects of my life. I want to make sure I say thank you for letting us come back after a relapse. YOU ARE VERY SUPPORTIVE AND I WOULD PROBABLY STILL BE SMOKING WITHOUT THIS PROGRAM. I need to walk away from this blog for now. I am sure there is more that I should say but as always I have to walk away for a bit. I am at a loss of words right now and that never happens. Thanks for listening to my blubbering. I really look up to those of you who have quit! It is really hard and sucks and there are no non foul words to use to explain this feeling. I will write more later. It was time for me to be honest with my friends.