Greetings all -
I am sitting here at my computer while the fiance and daughter sleep trying to resist the urge to go outside with my coffee and sneak a smoke. Long story short - I have been a 'secret smoker' over half of my life. I have tried and (mostly) succeeded in hiding it from my parents for 20 years. I have 'quit' several times and this always results in hiding it from whoever knew that I was quitting. My fiance and I made a commitment to both quit back in the fall - we bought our first house, our daughter was turning 4 and we want to be healthy role models for her and spend our money on the house, not cigarettes! Needless to say, we both found lots of excuses to out it off, slip up, etc. He has now been smoke free for over a week and I just relapsed into 'secret smoker' phase... I am so dissappointed with myself. I HATE smelling like smoke, coughing, planning how to sneak around, trying to hide it from my daughter especially. I live in almost constant fear that I have COPD and/or cancer - I haven't seen a Dr. about it but some nights I am up coughing and struggling to breathe. I have never been good about going to Drs and this is too scary to deal with right now. I really want to quit. I really NEED to quit. When I was pregnant with my daughter I quit cold turkey no problem! It wasn't until almost a year after I quit, the fiance went out to smoke leaving me inside rocking the baby, that I said, 'fuck this, I want a break too' and I started up again... what a horrible choice. I had success using Chantix for a while, but I never refilled my prescription... I lost the new prescription my Dr got me... I have been too embarassed to go back to the Dr. again...
i need to do this! I am reaching out to find a new, successful way to make this happen. One of my fears is weight gain - I definitely experienced that before - and our wedding is May 23rd!! The dress is hangning in the closet.
I am really scared - about quitting, about my health, about giving up my 'secret', about lying to my fiance, about missing out on my daughter's life. Crap, now I am crying. Well, she just woke up so it is time for oatmeal and trying to not sneak out for a smoke today. My quit date is set for March 7 - I don't want to wait that long...