Life is really a roller coaster going at full speed. I want to keep my eyes closed so I don't see the big drop coming but then you miss half the fun. Today I'm at the bottom. I feel proud of myself for working on my forever quit. I try to be supportive for my family, friends and clients. But, here's the thing about me. It's hard for me to reach out and express my feelings. I can talk out of my head (reasonable mind) but still have fear about showing who I really am with feelings.
As I said yesterday my cousin died suddenly and I know I'm going to miss her, right now it doesn't feel real. But there is grief. And that grief has brought back the grieving I haven't finished with regarding my sister. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and has been in hospital, rehab and now assited living. Which means she has been a patient since January at 1 level or another. She has some cognitive problems. She acts most times like the world is only about her, she expects that people want to sit and listen to her go on about what she ate that day, what someone in the dining room did or how much the staff all love her. She seldom asks how anyone else is doing. I KNOW ths is her life now but the life that she had, the things we did together will never be the same again.
So, I'm still grieving and then I get upset at her and then at me if I say anything to her and she goes into victim role.
What does this have to do with me not smoking? I guess I'm saying (out of my logical part of my brain) is that today I'm having a tough day. Not that I will smoke. But I don't feel good about things right now. And it is hot and humid and that kicks in my fibromyalgia so I am in pain.
It helps to get this out. Hope if you got bored at the 1st paragraph you skipped out of this rant. If you've read it, thanks. Writing has always been a strong point for me and way to get things out of my gut.
TODAY IS DAY 16! I plan on being here for day 17 and beyond as well.
NOPE!
