I am Sarah and I have been a smoker for about 5 years now. I know that it isn't that long, but it was something I should have never picked up. I began smoking when a friend asked me to and that is where it all started. I am not a person that would be described as a follower and for this I don't know why I followed, but I did and it was the worst decision I have ever made. I started smoking when I was in college at about 19 years old. I was drinking, partying, and doing marajuana. I was not making the best decisons and I dropped out of college. I met my husband right after I turned 20 and I gave up all my bad choices....except one.
Life for us was hard, because he was in the Army and we were broke all the time...but we were in love and expecting our first baby. I decided to quit smoking the moment I found out I was pregnant and I was doing good for the first 4 days. It made me feel better that I was doing this for my baby and I could rub my belly when I wanted to light up. But when I was 5 and a half weeks pregnant, I miscarried. It was the worst day of my life. After that happened I smoked.... I felt like my reason for quitting was gone so why bother?
A month later my husband and I got married....and we were content for it to be just the 2 of us because he wanted to make the military a career and we didn't want to have to put kids through that. I also didn't really want kids because I am not the maternal type. Life was still hard for us but we were enjoying life and being married.
2 months almost to the day after we got married....I got pregnant. I wanted to quit smoking for the baby but I just couldn't do it because I was scared I would miscarry again and all my determination would be for nothing. But as luck would have it, I was pregnant with a little girl who was delivered at 39 weeks via C-Section. It was the hardest delivery I could have ever imagined but I was blessed that eventually I was alright and so was this little girl who was so tiny. She was born at 4 pounds and 15 ounces.
Since I had her I had intended on quitting but I could never do it. Time passed, and she began to grow into this beautiful little baby and I felt truly blessed. My husband got out of the Military when she was 8 months old and we moved to Indiana so that he could go to school and I could reconnect with my Mom.
As my little girl turned 1, we were getting ready to expect another bundle of joy. We didn't really want to be pregnant again, but we were ready for the challenge. My Son was born 9 months later via C-Section and it was a great experience. He weighed in at 6 pounds and 7 ounces, and he was gorgeous. My little girl now had a baby brother and she was so excited to bring him home. I was still a smoker and had smoked through both of my pregnancies.... and I was ashamed.
Now my Son is a little over a year old and he is a sweet little boy and my little girl is going to be 3. I have given up every part of my former life, except smoking. I think that maybe in my mind, I don't think it is that bad. But it really is... and I am not sure why I just refuse to quit. I try, and I try, and I try, and I try. But I am not strong enough to do it. I have 2 of the best reasons in the world to do it and I still can't commit to it. I think that now is the time... because if I don't do it soon I don't think I ever will because as time goes by, I feel less and less pressured to do it, and its not something I want to do for the rest of my life.
When I was in college and parying all the time, I could see no problem doing it. But now that I am a Mother, I need to be better for them. They never asked for this....and I tell myself all the time that there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. This is something I need to do and I am about 98% ready both emotionally and physically to do it....but what is holding me back? Is it fear?
