First, thanks for all the support. You are amazing!
A lot going on. Its late and this may turn into a ramble. My smoking has been going up and down but still under a pack a day. Last couple of days things have been crazy and I have not been focused on quitting. Smoking has gone up. I blame it on not being active on the site.
Won't go into details but a few issues dealing with this week. Wife's father is not doing well had to have 24 hour care last week need to persuade siblings that he needs to be in an assisted living facility. Refinancing our primary residence. Are selling our old house which we had to rent because we could not sell. Good news on that one is we are under contract and will make some money. Daughter lost her cell phone for the sixth time. Neighbor and close friend had her mother go into the hospital with mini strokes and pnumonia this weekend.
All of that aside. One glaring realization is that when I am not active on the site I smoke more. An amazing milestone this week. On Thursday I had a business appointment. I left my smokes at home when I went. Finished at lunch time and was starving. To digress, before cutting back on smoking I rarely ate lunch. I would have cigarettes and coffee in the morning. Smoke all day and eat dinner around 9 or 10 pm. Since I have cut back I am eating lunch more often than not. Not to mention having toast or a bagel instead of a cigarette with coffee in the am. Also, I have started caughing more. Back to the point. There is a bar that allows smoking that has phonominal wings. Let's just say I used to spend enough time in there that when I walked in the door my drink was there by time I got to my seat. I would sit there chain smoke and work on my laptop while waiting for my take out.
Ok this is crazy. This is stupid. Am I just testing myself? Well I had a wing craving and headed to Doc's "unarmed". I even had the thought before walking in, should I go by a pack. I told myself that was stupid. To my amazement -no fear - no anxiety. I was able to eat my wings, watch others smoke. More amazing I did not even think about buming a smoke. Talk about being free.
Another digression. Just lit a smoke. I have 2 left in the pack. used to be I needed 4 in the first 30 min in the am. Even though its midnight I would be going out to buy a pack. No let me correct that. I NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THIS SITUATION! Anyway I am not panicing. Big step to being free. I am half tempted to smoke the other 2 just so I'll have to deal with not having any in the morning. This would be like leaving the house without my smokes. I think I am talking myself into this as another milestone.
Back on track. I have been strugling trying to find a quit date. Tonight my quit date found me. I had been thinking about Thanksgiving or the day after. An easy anniversary to remember. I just had not been able to focus on it with al that has been going on.
I mentioned my neighbor whos mother was in the hospital. Another digression. We live in a small subdivision. 35 homes. Everyone knows everyone and we look out for each other. We have about 30 children in the hood 20 or so in the 3 to 5 yr range. For the last 4 months or so we have had a birth per month. The community does meal trains to make things easier on the parents of the new borns. My wife and I are doing the meal train for the latest arrival tomorrow night. I cooked two briskets today. One for our dinner and one for the meal train tomorrow. As the neighbor was tied up looking after her mother I made additional for her and another neighbor. I'll get more into the cooking in later blogs. For now let's just say the Big Green Egg is well used and this is going to be a major habit to break in getting free.
Anyway, Mary Ellen came by to give us an update on her mom's condition and get the dinner we had put up for her. First thing we did was put a glass of wine in her hand. (Just lit another smoke. Habbit) After getting the status update she and I went out on the deck for a smoke. She has been trying to quit. We were talking about her mother, family comming in for thanksgiving etc. Next thing I know she is telling me that she, her brother and sister in law were going to quit on the Monday after Thanksgiving. MY QUIT DATE JUST FOUND ME! The four of us are quiting together the Monday after Thanksgiving.
I told her about this site. I emailed her a link as well as a copy of Allan's book. I got here by accident. NOT! I got here because this is where I am suppposed to be. From the start I have had a go with the flow attitude. Some days good some days not. My quit date found me. I am on the right path. Let it happen. I have already done things i was afraid to do. Leave the house without smokes? Go to a habitual hangout and not smoke?
I am not worried about the addiction. Being able to leave the house without smokes puts that to bed. The demon is the fear. I am making progress but I am still fearing being a non smoker.
Here's another nail in that coffin. I am intentionally lighting the last cigarette in the pack so I have to face the am without. I am going to follow Allen's instruction - inhale deeply and note how much I don't enjoy this!
