*** Sorry, this is a long blog but it has to be to get my point across
Hi everybody. Yesterday marked DavesTime, Jimbone and my 2 1/2 years quit celebration. Now I'm ready to throw in the towel and stuff nicotine into my body again through vaping. I've gained a ton of weight and I'm miserable. Even as a teenager I was never able to lose more than 20 pounds no matter what 'diet' I was on or how much I exercised. In high school my gym class was aerobics at least one semester every year and I went to Jazzercise twice a week. My mom who is 5' 2" and 125 pounds lost 8 pounds from Jazzercise alone, my friend lost 10 pounds, and I lost 0 lbs. Six months of aerobics every day and twice per day on gym days to lose absolutely nothing!! I also walked or rode my bike everywhere unless I was with my boyfriend who drove. I've always been large unlike the rest of my family.
In 2007 I had gastric bypass surgery. It was horrible to recover from and I would want to throw up if I ate too much or the wrong type of food. BUT my weight went from 270 to 120 lbs. For the first time in my life I looked great, felt good, and had confidence in myself. I was strong and my blood pressure went back to a normal range, and my veins were easy to find for blood draws. My doctor even complained that I was too skinny! All of my life the doctors complained that I was too fat. I wore size 10s whereas before the surgery I wore size 3 XL, 4 XL (22-24 or 26 28) clothing.
I had a knee dislocation in 2014 and even after massive surgery in 2015 and physical therapy I stayed the same. When I quit smoking right before this quit and my weight went up 17 pounds in 7 months. I was able to lose 8 lbs. but I was smoking again. This quit I have gained about 85 lbs. back. of what I lost after surgery. Now I'm fat, I look like hell, I feel like hell, I'm back into having to buy huge clothing, I won't leave my house because I I can't wear a bra because my skin underneath keeps breaking out in infections, I have no muscle tone (I literally can't get off the floor), I sweat all the time, my blood pressure is high again, I'm severely depressed and my psychiatrist is trying desperately to find a antidepressant combination that will help. I've lost interest in my mini horse for two years and she's alone which is detrimental to her as horses are herd animals. I don't even know what kind of condition she's in. I've been thinking of selling her.
So I know those may seem like stupid reasons but I spent 12 years of hell with wanting to throw up or throwing up BUT the good health, confidence, looking good, wanting to participate in life, being able to raise some ducks, get and ride full size horse, be with my mini mare and just be happy. I don't want to light up again so vaping is my only other choice. Yes I'll die a horrible death but I don't know anyone that went peacefully in their sleep. Death is messy no matter how you live.
I consider this site like an AA meeting so I came here to have my 'sponsors' help me out. Throw me a life saving ring or jacket. I'm praying I last through this test of my quit!
Thanks for listening.
Julie