Is it okay to say I’m not ready to face the holidays yet? I’m not even sure what hit me this year either. It was a cyclone or something that turned my world and heart upside down. Yes, I have my daughter with me, and she feels the same way. I visited my husband Fran’s grave today. I was just looking for answers and support. I’m not sure if I really found it. I did see someone place a flag on his grave and three pennies on the footstone that is there. It warmed my heart to see others come to visit him. It wasn’t a warm day to be standing on an open hill but really needed to be close to him. I really wish he was here. Time doesn’t stay still, and I get that, but a broken heart doesn’t mend over night either. I have my good and bad days and just learning to survive again.
I am not ready to face the holidays yet. We are keeping with tradition on Thursday. I will miss seeing him at the table and hearing his voice. There are things in life we just don’t sign up for and this is one of them. As scary as this feels I will get through this. Or am I just afraid of this year coming to an end? Even if that’s the case I can’t change what happened in the Springtime. I just want to see him again. Is it wrong to feel this way. There is so much of him still here around me brings me some comfort. The world is a lot lonelier place without him.
