Today depression was hittin me pretty hard. I struggle with it normally, but now that I don't have my ex boyfriend around it is feeling different (ex boyfriend of corse, meaning, L&M cigarette). It is like my little comfort blanket is gone, my little piece of peace.
As I write this and read it over, I can clearly see how sickening this addiction is. How POWERFUL it is. I have made it already a week with these nicotene lozenges... (God, wish they weren't so pricey.. at least that way I could see how much money I was saving by quitting and become more motivated in the financial sense!).. However, I did not throw in the towel quite yet.
I was so motivated just the other day.. what happened?
I sat outside while my husband puffed one down and breathed in the second hand smoke today. Not a lot.. just enough to see if I was willing to take the plunge back into the way things were last week. Last week feels like years ago.
Needless to say, however much the smell comforted me, it was also a big reminder of the person I don't want to be anymore.
I don't want to smell like that anymore. I don't want to smell the way my husband does when he comes in from outside and kisses me on the cheek. It is a terrible, terrible smell. Comforting, but TERRIBLE!
I just feel like I want to rip all my hair out or punch my fist through a wall. I just want to scream and run away from this life. This DEPRESSION!
I read the reasons on this website for staying quit and it helped motivate me. I also read another member's page and his testimony motivated me. I thought about the words of my neighbor saying that I will "never make it" and this discouraged me for a second.... but then I thought longer... and harder... and it began to motivate me. I hear her repeat those words in my mind in her disgusting smokers voice. A voice I have not acquired yet and plan to never acquire as long as I shall breathe. And yet, as I think of her.. I feel myself feel sorry for her. I see that these words are a reflection of her own weaknesses onto me. I WILL prove her wrong. And I think of my son...
Would I want him to have to go through this.. or grow up associating such a toxic smell with that of comfort the way that I do?
No.
No. No. No. No. Not ever.
I want to show my mother-in-law with her COPD, that it IS possible to quit.
My father-in-law told me and my husband 2 months ago that the doctors found a spot on his lung. He called and told my husband last week that he doesn't know how much longer he has. He won't tell anyone in the family his diagnosis, and has only told my husband about the spot on his lung.
Writing things like this out on a blog post, making all these thoughts physical- is what will keep me going.
I just gotta make sure to stay on this site and write or read when I feel this way.
Thank you Lord for this day and for leading me to here. Thank you Lord for my strength and my will to live. Thank you Lord for everything you have ever given to me and every day that I have so taken for granted in the past. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! Lead me not into TEMPTATION and DELIVER me from the EVILS of SMOKING and CRAVING and DEPRESSION! AMEN!!
