Well,
It is day two and so far so good...but, It is still early. I try to stay confident and positive, lest the fear brainwasher seeps in. After yesterday, with the sudden death of a very close, very young family friend, and it being such a tragedy, which comes in waves, I couldn't help but feel like quitting smoking was similar...Or, at least the lie is similar. It feels like there is this sort of trauma going on that comes in waves.
For me, it has been dealing with that over the last 24 hours...the big monster. This big, huge lie that my life has undergone some trauma or tragedy, because I am no longer smoking, and every so often, whether it is part of my habitual process, or just because it wants to, it suddenly shows up with all of these body sensations and tensions to let me know that it is time to understand that I must do something to rid myself of the trauma.
What I have been telling myself, reminding myself, is that the only trauma is what I did to my self, body, mind, spirit and heart when I started smoking, and all of the years I have been willing to inflict this pain and suffering in all of those areas...and, that the trauma of that will be over in a few weeks..It does feel much like a grieving process, and at any other time I would have treated the whole process as such...Ya know, honored my feelings and all of that...But, not this time! This time, I see it for what it is...an illusion. There is no grieving this...Smoking was not my friend, it was my enemy who was trying to kill me...It was not something I enjoyed or that had any add value in my life...It made me miserable, sick, tired, ashamed, and embarrassed. It was not something that helped me out during hard or difficult times...It made them worse...It made me more stressed. It never made anything difficult less difficult or go away...It just added a bunch more stress to whatever it was that I was dealing with, by putting my body and mental state into a more tense place. That had actually happened to me...I had been smoking at least 2 to 3 packs a day for so many years, that there was no amount of smoking I could do to relieve the tensions...Even while I was smoking, I would often light up another, because I had 'that feeling' that I needed to have more. It was no longer possible to relieve it anymore. I had to get up at least three times a night just to smoke. There was never any relief.
So, in fact, what I am going through now, is not really any different that what I have been living through for the last few years anyway. It feels exactly the same, the only difference being, I am very, very aware that the more days that I do not do this, the closer I am to freedom from ever having to feel this way again. I am already free, because I have stopped smoking and buying into the nonsense that some how another cigarette is going to fix this problem...when the only way out is through. I had been thinking yesterday, just automatically, that maybe when I have strung enough days together, the sacrifice of quitting, would be out numbered by the sacrifice of giving up the numbers. The being able to say...I've made it through the first 24 hours, or 3 days, or 3 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. I was wondering which one of these would be the one where I had felt invested enough that the sacrifice of quitting smoking would weigh less than the sacrifice of having to start all over on day one and give up on of those numbers.
Then I remembered...It is no sacrifice. I am not giving up anything. What all of those dates stand for are days of celebration for my freedom...Not days I have gone "without" smoking, but days I have been free from it, as well as the nonsense I have bought into in regard to why I was doing it. The investment is in dispelling the illusion that some how I am losing something of value by quitting, that I am sacrificing for the greater good...When the truth is...there is no loss. There is no sacrifice. There is only good to be gained for every day that I do not smoke.
So, yea, I am experiencing some symptoms, but they are my real friends...They are doing what they are suppose to be doing to get me free, to heal me, and allow me to move on from this. They are my body trying to reset to normal, and kicking out that horrible beast that has held me hostage all of these years...I keep telling myself, if I can just stay relaxed and watch the battle between my body doing what it does naturally; with it's amazing ability to heal that which does not belong there, and the brainwashed addiction that is nicotine wanting to keep me in its clutches...if I can stay out of the way of that and not get myself to caught up in the battle, then I will be okay. What's happening is suppose to happen, and there is nothing to fear, and certainly nothing to lose...There is only gain and benefit and with each wave of tension, with each sensation...there is a step toward that freedom...It is not a trauma, it is a gift.
Well, I don't know if this even makes any sense, because I am noticing some cognitive issues, but I have been told to write and blog by the people on here who know far more than I ever will, so I am doing that, and this was what was on my mind.
Thank you for all of the support...and, I hope you are well and having a beautiful smoke free day, Em
