Day 109! I'm getting the days stacked up, I've noticed I don't really even think about cigarettes that much anymore. Which is quite the contrast to how I couldn't see an advertisement without craving one. I never thought I was going to be able to say that I no longer want a cigarette. One day everything changed, granted my health going south made it an easy decision. I did not miss having to go out into the horrid heat to smoke. Until I quit I didn't realize how much time away from people I was taking. I now realize over the span of years that I smoked, ever since I became an addict, and the addiction was always getting increasingly worse. I understand that the stupid decision I made as a very very immature teenager will now affect me for the rest of my life. I look at the world through the eyes of an addict. It's not like cigarettes are the only addiction I've had to deal with. It is just the latest.
To everyone who commented on my blog last night thank you for your kind words! To just reassure those of you who don't know, I am seeking professional help, I have been for the past ten years. I have a lot of things that are rooted in. I know people don't need to hear about all of my problems (Trust me it's like a damn book or soap opera). I do have depression though, with that said I have suffered depression since I was a kid. I don't mean a teenager, it's much more deep rooted. That's why there are the times where my mood will be great, optimistic, gunho, on top of the world. In the same day I can go to my lowest of lows. I have parts of my past that a lot of people would've called the police because they were worried. In highschool I was redflagged. I know it's sad that I have depression. But it's something I've learned to live with. I am just trying to clarify, I in no way whatsoever want to wear this or any of my other diagnosed problems lable me or own me. It's something I have, it does not have me.
I have been less cheery lately but I do have a lot on my plate. Now I don't know maybe this means I am coming to a breakthrough or if it means im at my breaking point and I need to back down. I am very mentally drained and have been for the past three weeks. Switching my therapist had a bigger influence then I thought it would. It's left me feeling very vulnerable and very very alone. I don't truly trust easily, I had an extremely good therapist. But I understand she had to move onto other things. I've seen my depression increase in it's affect on me. I want you to know that I have not even thought of cigarettes. Haven't had any cravings. Cigarettes would just make the situation worse, Nicotine actually causes stress. I mean there are several times had i wanted to i could've smoked but i dont WANT to and i out REFUSE to even touch a cigarette. I'm at the point to where I can't stand to be around the smell of them, not because it gives me cravings, it actually doesn't. What it does do however is make me gag and nausea kicks in more then usual. I hold my quit closer to me then anything. Yes, I've had smoking dreams. When I woke up it was relieving that i didn't smoke. In a way I think it's my brains way of reminding me that I don't want to smoke. Because the feeling of relief that I don't smoke, is way more exciting and good then I ever got from a stupid cigarette.
I'm at day 109 and I haven't put myself in a situation where i'm around other smokers! But that has been part of my plan that I have been working on since BEFORE I actually quit. I know to be successful, I have to take this one day at a time. I don't want to push anything. Haven't had one single slip-up, I haven't relapsed at all. Since I dedicated, promised myself that this is my forever quit. There is no such thing as going back. No such thing as one puff, no such thing as the E-Cig, Vaporizers for tobacco, light cigarettes! I know that if I want this to really work I have to be more dedicated to my quit then anything in my life before. I'll admit it aint always unicorns and rainbows. But I feel a lot better that i don't have to try to get a cigarette as fast possible to my mouth because i felt the nicodemon making me want to peel out of my skin. I never want to go through that withdrawl. I would never have gotten to this point this fast without so many of the people on here! Ex has been a life support at times. It's true when you read on others' blogs that if you're going through something really hard, there is a 99.99% chance someone has either one of the following A: Been exactly where you are. B: Been in a situation that is enough alike that they can help you, C: There will be someone to vent to. Sometimes we need to just let other people know about certain things. Sometimes we can't validate something until we've told someone. We hide it deep inside. But I will tell you right now, if you hold everything in, flat out, you are not in recovery. And unfortunately quitting smoking is like any other drug. You need acceptance...but not of others. You need to accept yourself. I know I'm not perfect, but I have accepted the fact that I am an addict. We are all addicts, there is no questioning that. If you deny that nicotine is just like anything else, you need to do some reading, and a lot of self reflection. It can be hard to accept we are addicts. Trust me it was not something I was happy to come to a realization of. But ever since I have, since I've taken this fact thought about it, I've realized I need to look at it as any rehab. Whether it be Opiate, Alcohol, Amphytemines, etc. OR Nicotine. I know that I have the addiction so I have to stay clear of cigarettes. I need to try to not put myself in situations that I know will increase me wanting to smoke. Of course I won't have to stay away from people I know who smoke forever. But I do in the meantime. The people who understand are the ones who matter. I don't want to be in a situation where im offered nicotine. I am relearning how to deal with situations. I let nicotine do it for so long, that I am having not to reteach myself, but in fact having to teach myself the first time!
With all of that said thank you for putting up with me for the past two or three weeks. I have been very emotional. I can't say when it will end, because that would be speculation. I'm doing what I need to, talking to certain friends who have helped me through things in the past. So I don't want you to think i'm not on the site if I don't make one of the groups or the freedom train. I only have so many hours in the day! I'm having to divide them a couple ways at the moment...more then usual. and find time for myself. Which can be hard to do. As I'm sure you all know. I will be blogging daily, and trying to keep up on everything...but there may be a little irregularity.
Again thank you all for your advice, help and most of all thank you for your patience!
Zackie 109 Days
