I remember how to use cigarettes. Where to go for the best price, how to slap-slap-slap the pack against my palm, how to light one and deeply inhale. And, because I was an extraordinarily-skilled “secret smoker”, I remember how to do all this without ever leaving a trace or a whiff. So, yes, I do remember (sometimes quite vividly) what it was like to smoke. I wish I didn’t have 28 years’ worth of these memories in my head, but that’s just not my reality, is it?
So, how am I “keeping it real” with my new reality, here and now? Well,…
Rewiring my past keeps me headed toward something new and healthful. Romancing my past keeps me stagnant and miserable. Repeating my past keeps me shoved backwards into something old and harmful.
Do I still have craves and urges for a cigarette? I still have sharp recollections of smoking, sure, but these are not the same as fixations. Recalling cigarettes is not the same as relishing them. I am aware enough now to feel this distinction, and smart enough now to keep them separate in my mind. I will always remember what cigarettes are, of course, but I will also always…remember…what…cigarettes…are.
Do I want to smoke again? No! Quitting is what I promised I wanted more than smoking; living up to that promise is self- constructive. Smoking is the place I waited years to leave; going back is self- destructive. I’m here to release it, not relive it.
Is this my Forever Quit? My only mission here is to create a Forever Quit, so that’s what I’m actively choosing to do. This quit is not being built to be anything other than everlasting. It will be my Forever Quit, one smoke-free week after another, so long as I remember that’s exactly what I’ve wanted since Day One.
And, finally, I remain teachable! My young, lil’ Forever Quit is always growing and learning, so I must keep teaching it well. As much as I know, there is yet more to go.
STORM: 152
