Ugh...

[pahorsemall]

I've been smoking since I was 12 or 13 and now I'm 25 (every year since I ACTUALLY turned 25 - born in '66, so do the math, but keep it to yourself, because I don't care - Not in denial, just don't care! haha)
Anyway - during that time, I've attempted to quit many, many times. I've gone as long as a week a few times. Once, back in about 1995 or so, I quit for an entire month. Didn't even want to get out of bed. NOTHING to get up or 'live' for. Sad, isn't it? So I gave up once again. That experience, plus the realization that every time I would try to quit, I'd come back to it smoking more than I did before trying to quit, brought me to the 'logical' conclusion that it would be best to quit trying to quit (because at that rate, I'd become a chain smoker). And that's the way it has remained since that year.

I've always been about a pack or less /day smoker. I stay active. I don't have prominent lung or breathing problems - in fact, I've had doctors listen to my lungs and say they sound great. I've convinced myself that I am immune to the health hazards of smoking. HOWEVER, I have always had the underlying knowledge that smoking steals my time, my energy, my mental clarity. Competing with that, is the underlying knowledge (or fear?) that trying to quit steals my time, energy, mental clarity, 'happiness,' reason to get out of bed. (And I also know, realistically, that I am NOT immune to the health hazards of smoking. I have been lucky - yes - but I know that it's beginning to take its toll.) Basically, being a non-smoker feels like a distant fantasy from my childhood past - which can never again be possible - because the memory and physiology of being a smoker cannot be erased - what's done cannot be undone.

I wish I could turn back time and be that little girl who felt disgusted when watching my mom smoke - and got the literal 'willies' when she would ask me to bring them to her and I actually had to TOUCH that pack. I knew iniherently, as a child, that this was a nasty, unnatural activity. How did I go from that, to someone who is a literal prisoner to it? And to one who cannot seem to muster a strong enough reason to leave it behind?
How can I defeat something that I have decided (subcounscously/unconsciously), has already defeated me, seemingly irreversably?
PS: I work from home now; sitting on my ass at a computer. Winthin months, I see both my weight (I've always been slender), and my smoking increasing. I know that if I ignore it, it's gonna get UGLY!
Can someone quit 'for me'? ...I think that's what I want. Let's be honest here!

Whoever takes the time to read this, I deeply and sincerely appreciate you.

Shelly E.

[Barbscloud]

@pahorsemall Welcome to the Ex. Happy to see you've begun the thought process to quit smoking.  That's the first step.

You can win that internal battle to quit by educating yourself about nicotine addiction and putting a plan in place with how you'll deal with cravings, identifying your triggers and creating the new associations you'll create instead of smoking. This comes into play when you're having cravings in the morning for example.  What can you do instead of smoking? Change up your routine. Go for walk, read material on the Ex, if you drink coffee, for example, drink it in a different place, etc. Be creative.

And you just found an amazing group of quitters here to support you on this journey to becoming an Ex. There will be ups and downs, but that is part of the journey. We're here for you, so just reach out anytime we can help or want to share your experience.

This link is a great place to get you started on the right track. https://www.becomeanex.org/guides/?cid=footer_community_linktobex

Create a plan, pick a date an join us this journey to becoming an ex.

FYI.  I would consider a lung CT.  Afraid a doctor listening to your lungs is not a good diagnostic tool. They should be done annually,  Being diagnosed with mild emphysema is  what motivated me to quit after 50 year of smoking. 

Stay busy and stay close.

Barb

[pahorsemall]

Thank you Barb!

[CommunityAdmin]

Hey @pahorsemall, thanks for your raw and honest post. The struggle is real, and it's complex. You're aware, and that's more than half the battle. No one can quit 'for you,' but know that this community is here for you. Keep coming back, we're all rooting for you and ready to support you whenever you post. 🍀

Todd

[biscuit9]

I actually stated today, on another post, noone can quit for you, and I don't think that has changed yet, lol.  Nic addiction has definitely taken over your mind and thinking, and to get out of that thinking will take some effort, on your part.  Impossible?  No, it is not impossible.  I read Allen Carr's book, two weeks after I quit, and it helped me to understand that by quitting nic, I was not giving something up, I was gaining control of my life, BACK.  I could visualize for every crave, the addiction leaving me, as hard as that was.  You CAN learn to live your life without a crutch or a pacifier.  Sure, you have alot of memories related to smoking, I am  sure.  However, I know and believe that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. I have seen it with these two eyes.  I have seen drinkers/smokers changed!  After years and years of drinking/smoking, they stopped.  Was it easy?  Not necessarily, but they did it.  They did it because they chose to live a better life, free of getting sick from their addictions.  

You can choose to continue listening to the lies that nic tells you, I did it for years myself.  I encourage you to get educated on how nic addicts us and pulls us to its death trap.  I started out not wanting to quit, my cough wasn't that bad and most days I smoked 1/2 a pack, unless I went out.  Then a dear friend of mine got a lung mass and I did some soul searching and praying, after watching him decline for a year before the mass was discovered.  I forced myself to watch awful videos on whyquit.com and just kept watching them until I could no longer ignore the damage I was doing to my body.  

[pahorsemall]

Thanks! I like and will apply some of those mind-hacs. I like the, "visualize the addiction leaving me," and living without a pacifier. As I mentioned below in my reply to post, nic. is a non-issue for me, it's the act of smoking I need to break bonds with. I know that after that 30 days that I quit, I had no nic. in my system, and no direct withdrawal symptoms. I had stopped being edgy and moody. My life just felt empty and with a big hole in it without that activity that previously filled that hole. That is the #1 issue I've got to overcome. Second, and enmeshed with that, is my weakness in self-control, follow-through, and ability to keep commitments to myself - in other words, to have them maintain their paramount, PERSONAL meaning to me in all moments. My work is definitely cut out for me.

Appreciate your care and time!

[Barbscloud]

@pahorsemall Couple of points.

It's not about self-control, it's about willingness.

I agree that scare tactics aren't very effective.  There is evidence to support this.

I never thought about forever when I quit.  In fact,  I told myself it was my choice and I could smoke again if I choose to. I only needed to do this for one day.

Can't say I didn't enjoy smoking.  I quit for one reason and one reason only--for my health.

It's important to understand there are two aspects to quitting.  Physical addiction and the psychological side.  Just getting past the withdrawal is a small part of the journey.  There are habits and memories attached to smoking that take a long time to overcome.   We've used nicotine for every event and emotion in our lives.  It takes time and effort to learn new behaviors.

Creating new associations to replace smoking/vaping plays a big role in being successful.

Hope you continue to invest time and thought into quitting. . Keep us updated on your journey.

It really is about one day at a time.  

Barb

[pahorsemall]

Yes, yes! Indeed!
Thanks Barb!

And oh yeah, I also forgot to mention another observation I have about myself: The better, and happier I feel, the more I want to smoke. Hmmm, that makes me think: I associate it somehow with "celebration" as well as being a crutch for the low moments (and everything in between). I think this is an important key; to recognize all of the functions it serves for me and begin to break those down and debunk them.  --That's what I love about sharing ideas and brainstorming with others. It inspires fresh ideas and insights. 🙂

[Barbscloud]

@pahorsemall Actually it's the reward cigarette and probably the hardest  to put behind us. Take a break from yard work and have a smoke to celebrate the achievement. 😊

[Augustus44]

Shelly, 

I'm on Day #42, and I am no where near being out of the woods on this. However, I do have an observation that I hope helps. When you quit ( as I did a million times) and go for a week, that is the most difficult time. People here call it "Hell Week," and they are right. After that first week is over, things get better and better. In short, why don't you pledge to quit for two weeks and then re-evaluate. What I have found is that the urge to smoke comes down to a 5 minute struggle. What I do is something else that is tactile, ie, play the piano or the guitar, clean something, straighten out something in the house, take a walk, etc. It's changing whatever you are doing that helps. Finally, I think a big mistake is thinking about this as a long term thing. Try to focus only on the moment in time, or a day at the most. Get through the hour, the day, and go to sleep at night with victory under your belt--hope this helps you.