Relapse city

[DonnaMarie]

I did it. I relapsed. I quit my quit. I have no why. I only have a requit to maintain. 

[PRAIRIEROSELADY]

 had to walk this road and it took over 40 yrs. to say nicotine addict and not gag! I thought of addicts as the street junkies................ wrong! 

[Mandolinrain]

I know, I used to feel the same way

[indingrl]

CONGRATS ON DAY ONE NICOTINE FREE DonnaMarie! Yahhhoooo for you. I was told when I used MY DRUG NICOTINE AGAIN AND QUIT AND CHOICE AGAIN TO USE MY DRUG NICOTINE that I do what ADDICTS DO THEY USE.... then I knew I was a NICOTINE ADDICT and now ONLY THIS DAY I CHOOSE not to USE ... I ask MY God in the morning please help ME to stay NICOTINE FREE in Christ Jesus MY Lord then I come here and TRY to HELP the next suffering NICOTINE addict to believe to hope and to blog BEFORE I take that FIRST PUFF OVER ME... it was SUGGESTED when the thought of USING NICOTINE CAME to PHYSICALLY TURN MY HEAD and say OUT LOUD Dear God HELP!!! It still works for ME today after pray I come here read the EXPERT ADVICE BY DR HAYS AND go to whyquit.com and read Joel articles on relapse PREVENTION then I come back here say another pray to HELP someone in MY Lord Jesus name amen please take what HELPS and let go of the REST to be helpful is MY only aim thank you! I am so proud of you DonnaMarie for your courage SELF inner honesty and love to blog and HELP ME to REMAIN STAYING QUIT WITH YOU TODAY it is really ALL we have just this MOMENT!  

[PRAIRIEROSELADY]

I totally agree with you and the approach you are using.

[Giulia]

Make this your new mantra: "I may want to - but I won't."   The parent must deny the child for it's own good.  Put another red line to form an X on that rock of yours.  Your shoulder will heal faster with not smoking.  

[DonnaMarie]

In an effort to steel my reserve and because I wanted to, I did my mile walk and ended up doing a lot of thinking about addiction. On a side note, no cravings today thus far.

Addicts (and I mean me) are filled with wonder and fancy. The fantasy that they're not addicts is strong. We believe we can stop our drug at any time with no problem. We think we can dabble and we cannot. 

I tried cocaine in my early days. I didn't like it. I didn't do it again.

I drank quite a bit in my 20s. In my 40s, I stopped. No particular reason. I can drink, but I don't.

I smoked a lot of pot and stopped that too.

I even tried LSD once in the 70s. Didn't do it again.

I smoked my parents' cigarettes, my friends' cigarettes, and then my own. There was no age requirement to buy them at the time. I think it's the "then my own" part that got me. That's when I became an addict and made the conscious or unconscious decision to keep smoking. 

I quit for pregnancies. I quit for years on end. I quit 20 times. 

Will it sink in that every quit ended with one puff? I believe it will, but it's a major addiction that I have to admit I have. It's not a passing thing anymore. I'm grateful to have been quit at least as much as I smoked, but that's still too much. 

Just brain dumping here. Working things out with myself in front of all of you. 

[Roller831]

So there was a woman who used to post here a lot.  I miss her as I haven't seen her here in a while.  She actually lives not to far from me and I offered to meet up with her if she needed help.  At first, we were 10 days apart in our quit.  She "slipped" just after we both entered NML.  I say slipped because she chose never to reset her quit day and she did not consider what she did a relapse.  That is her choice.  

I will never forget what she wrote...she wrote that she just wanted to see if it tasted good after not smoking for so long; just to see what it was like.  She admitted it tasted like crap and didn't even finish the cigarette.

I keep her story close to my heart.  I had similar thoughts.  That is the addict part of my brain.  I KNOW it will taste like crap.  I also know I am prone to try it again...and again....and again to see if it STILL tastes like crap.  Then WHAMMO!  I am back to smoking a pack a day again.  I know me.  I cannot have one puff.  I CAN have one drink if I so choose so I absolutely understand where you are coming from.

Just yesterday, I put a lighter in my purse after all this time because I needed to ability to light candles on a cake.  The lighter in my purse made me feel uncomfortable.  When we were done, I put it back in the top cabinet where I can't reach it easily.  I know me.  It makes it easier.  Yes...I can buy a lighter....but then I have to make TWO decisions instead of one.  One to by the smokes and the other to buy the lighter.  Crazy...but that is the addict in me.  I get it.  Many of us get it.

I may want to, but I won't....that's good stuff from Giulia .  I live by NOPE.  I also live by SINAO.   I'm adding that one, too. 

You can do this.  I know you can.  Just wanting to see if you can is your why.  Trust your gut.  You know what you can and can't do.  It isn't worth the test anymore. 

Roller

[DonnaMarie]

Holy crap. "It's not worth the test anymore." How'd you get so smart?  

I'm glad I came back instead of toughing it out without you all. Me and my no smoking rock are in NOPE/SINAO land today. And that's that. 

[maryfreecig]

     Thanks for telling more about yourself. Keep looking for your acceptance about quitting the cigs one day at a time. I felt a draw to smoking--though it is an addiction--I found turning away from the kick very difficult. It felt like me. I felt like such a jerk having to learn to really live without the stuff!!! One step at a time.

[Giulia]

It wasn't until I joined a support site and became educated that I understood the "one puff" thing.  Looking back on my relapses I was suddenly made aware of my wrong thinking.  I quit for a year and then did a show in which the character smoked.  I thought, "Well, I'll just smoke during rehearsals when the character did.  That lasted about two days.  Was right back to my normal smoking habit.  Then I thought, "oh I'll just smoke during the rehearsal and run of the show (which was only a couple of weeks.)  Show closed, I smoked for the next however many years.  Then I quit again for three months.  After three months I thought, "Well, I'll just try a pipe.  You don't inhale a pipe."  Yes, you DO if you're a smoker.  And then I, of course, went right back to cigarettes.  Quit and tried cloves once.  Then back to cigarettes.  Quit for three months another time.  Opening night party of another show.  I bummed one.  Thinking, "oh, I'll just smoke this one tonight."  Went out and bought a pack the next morning and smoked for the next X number of years.  

But then I became informed about this smoking thing.  That it wan't just a bad habit, it was an addiction.  That it had changed my brain.  I learned that I could simply not have that one puff.  And it was quite obvious - looking back at my past "one puff" experiences.  I finally "got it."  I know without a doubt that if I take one puff of a cigarette I WILL relapse.  FACT.  And you know what?  That's a great thing to know.  Because I never will again fall into that relapse trap.  If I smoke, it will be because I have made the active, aware choice to do so.  And if I do that, I will have given up on me.  Which I hope never happens.