Have gained nothing positive

[Gwenivere]

I am almost 6 months into this quit.  I’ve never felt worse in my life.  I feel like an oddity as everyone else is so positive about the changes.  I have no motivation as I have many health-and emotional problems that have been exhaserbated since I started this.  I’ve been reluctant to post again because of replies telling me te suck it up, give up the NRTs, I’m making myself worse and other responses that leave me feeling more isolated.  NRT or not, the nicotine delivery or lack of, I tried dropping them, has altered my medications I take daily and cannot find a harmony with anymore.  I have contacted my doctor and it’s one experiment after another.  I am alone in this with no family or friends.  I was forced into this and while I’ve had plenty of time now to educate myself, I’m still left wondering why I feel so much worse.  I can’t take a walk because of pain.  I can’t think clearly because of that, anxiety and bad sleep.  Just ne ede d to vent a bit.  I’m Glad all of you are experiencing positive results.  Wish I could join you.

[indingrl]

Thanks for sharing - when I got all negative in MY PAST and it was after I found out MY Xhusband was raping my kids for fours years when we were married - WE WERE BOTH IN REVOVERY - believe ME -  Gwenivere-  I didn't want to live anymore - it was SUGGESTED to make a gratitude list- I didnt want to and they SUGGESTED I get off MY pity pot and flush the toilet in MY mind and SUGGESTED I pray for the  willingness to be willing- then they SUGGESTED I get off the cross because they are gonna use the wood for another project and then-  It was SUGGESTED I make MY gratitude by listing 3 things - that I was grateful for and build up to 5 things in TIME -number ONE-  I was sober - number TWO- I could see- number THREE- I hated him. They said that was a good start .Then I did have to DO what needed to be done - MY daughter was 3 when I met him and MY other daughter was 6yr-  the 3yr was 7yr when I found out and the 6yr was 10yr - I put them in therapy abd fyi - I had just gotten outvof therapy for MY OWN raped by MY father from 6yr old to 15 yr old - I had just joined a incest survivor bible group - yes it hit all at once and I was 5 years sober - so I did have to suck it up- NO ONE coukd do it for ME- i still had to work- go to MY recovery groups- take care of the kids- etc- and put him in prison- he got 15 years and got out  in 7 years- that was 18 years ago- 18 years ago and I was depressed and suicidal - very NEGATIVE-  yet- I made my gratitude list every day- do NOT let your SELF focus on the negative- start with 3 things everyday to ge grateful for- this RECOVERY site from NICOTINE - the people here HELPING you - your computer- PLEASE - the man lives in the next town - half hour from ME - I have run into him about 3 times- so LIFE goes on- he served his time- 18 YEARS have passed- MY daughters and I have moved on- please take what HELPS and let go of the rest- to be HELPFUL is MY ONLY aim- thank you- gentle hug. Start your gratitide list now - are you grateful for YOUR therapist - are you grateful for NRTs work for YOU - are YOU grateful for breathing- it was SUGGESTED - I keep it simple- in HIS love and service - I love you and HOPE you choose good just for YOU!  Today I still make MY gratitude list while praying and believing MY daughter's liver will be healed- she chose alcohol to cope over her DIVORCE and now suffers the consequences of her ADULT choice- hope I HELPED to let YOU know WE all suffer and YOU are not ALONE- MY daughter was told she has 3 months to get approved to fet on a liver transplant LIST- so I pray and NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF NO MATTER WHAT! gentle hug. 

[lqsi12]

 Please remember we are all different, somethings just don't come as easy to some of us. Just don't give in, the end effort will be worth it, then someday you will feel the positively yourself.

[avian3]

In my opinion, it sounds like you need to work closely and often with a psychiatrist, one that specializes in drug addiction, nicotine being a drug, and can suggest how in combination with your meds, guide you in the best direction.

[Gwenivere]

avian3‌, I tried the shrink route last year for other reasons and could not find one to help me.  It’s nuts how booked they are and the couple I managed to talk to by phone weren’t taking new patients.  So it’s me and my PCP trying to figure it out.  I did read nicotine changes how we are affected by smoking and changing that delivery will impact 2 of the most important meds I am on.  I believe it because I can feel it.  Unfortunately on thing I have is low thyroid and can’t be addressed til the others are balanced better.  I so want that energy back.  The pain is structural in the spine so that’s a toughie.  

[avian3]

By the way, I also have chronic pain in every part of my body. Getting nicotine out of my system reduced my anxiety and pain to the point where meds were cut in half. I was happier than ever and had energy I had not experienced in decades. 

[Barbscloud]

Gwen, I honestly can't say I feel better physically since I quit, but I do know that it's healthier to not be smoking.  I'm sure it's frustrating if you feel worse.  I have been  down about all the weight that I gained that everyone said was normal.  I finally realized something was wrong, contacted my doctor, and was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  My point being, that alone has impacted my mental state negatively, but I'm still keeping my quit.  It's not quite to the same, but it has crossed my mind, is it worth it if I'm feeling bad about myself?   I really thought you were seeing someone else besides PCP.  It doesn't have to be psychiatrist.   Have you looked for a therapist/counselor?  

Barb

[LanaKay]

I do relate. I quit smoking about 3 years ago. The first thing that happened is that I was diagnosed with polymyalgia rheumatica and prescribed prednisone. I’ve gained a ton of weight but at least I can move. Now I’ve had diverticulitis twice and was in the hospital the last time. Then I had s PMR flare and had to go back up on my prednisone to 10mg. I had been down to 6mg. I then had my annual mammogram and got called back in for an ultrasound. Now I go Friday for 3 biopsies on the same side and won’t get the results until the next Friday. Also in the last 6 months I had 2 best friends, a brother in law and my last aunt die. Now I guess I am just sitting around waiting for the locusts!  lol.  But I have not smoked!!! Yay me, I think!

[minihorses]

I won't be a 'pusher' on the quit button when it comes to using NRTs or motivation or feelings you have concerning all this.  It's not easy and if there is one thing I've learned it's that no one can quit smoking unless it's something you want to do.  Until that time take stock of where you are, what you want to do, and how to get there.  Trust your gut feelings and lose the guilt (that alone will help you feel better about yourself).  We're in this sh== together so blog and vent away when you need to.  We really do have your back at all times.  Hugs!

[hillaryshea]

Thanks for sharing! You are completely justified in how your feeling! Everyone has a different story- and there is no right or wrong. I'm sorry that this journey has been so difficult for you- but you are definitely not alone. This community is here for you. We support and want to encourage you in any way possible. 

And just think of when you get to that place where you feel better mentally and physically- and you're actually GLAD to quit. Then you can help people who have a journey similar to yours. You'll be able to relate to them and help them through the process- you can use this experience to help others find freedom! 

There are good things in your future, I know it. Even if it seems bleak and hopeless right now, you are doing amazing things. You've accomplished SIX MONTHS of freedom! You're AMAZING. And to be having such a hard time? You are SO STRONG! Even if you don't feel up to celebrating, I'm going to celebrate for you! You deserve it! You are accomplished and you are determined and headstrong! You HAVE to be all these things to have made it this far! 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you hillaryshea.  I can’t foresee feeling glad to have quit right now, but I sure hope it happens.