Can't seem to make it for the long haul

[gmcculloch]

I joined this group about 2-3 weeks ago. At that point I had been off cigarettes for 2 weeks and was worried that the old pattern of stopping and then going back was going to happen. I was doing great. I bought the book recommended on The Illustrated Easy Way to Stop Smoking and found it very helpful. The support from this group was amazing and also really helpful. Then, my Godson committed suicide. I was not able to be online and on the site. There was no time for the week of planning and this week is so sad for my friend who lost her son for no apparent reason. Staying strong was not in the cards the last 10 days and I am back to my 1 pack a day habit. Every day I wake up and want it to the the day I stop. But by 11 AM, there I am at the store, buying a pack of cigarettes. I don't understand how I continue to smoke knowing all that I do about the ways to quit and how bad it is for me. Any insight would be appreciated. I am going to read the book again and am shooting for this Saturday as my new quit date.

TX

Gina

[gmcculloch]

The whole time I was smoking during this tragedy I was very conscious of the fact that I was smoking and very disappointed in myself. I kept thinking of this site but there really was no way to reach out. I am very close with the entire family and it was an exhausting week of funeral planning, family falling apart, tears and many other things I could never have imagined before this all happened. I did not have access to a cell phone. We were all trying to be respectful and no one was on their phones or computers at all. By the time I got home at night I was drained and had nothing left in me for anything other than trying to help my closest friend deal with her loss. My Godson Shane, (I feel like I need to speak his name as he was a real person with an amazing heart) died without a will so this week has been the nightmare of dealing with the house, bills, calls, attorneys, etc.

I ended up getting sick a few days after the funeral - there were easily a thousand people that came through and I am sure some of them meant well but came out when they were not feeling well. Today I finally had a chance to catch my breath and the first thing I did was get back on the site. I have been given so many recommendations of resources that it is hard to chose which ones to focus on with my time limitations. I have missed a lot of work between what happened then getting sick. It's hard to read long publications like Freedom from Nicotine but I have been trying to even if it is 5 minutes at a time. I have so much catch up to do and I it seems I am online typing 24/7. 

Sorry for the long response. Bottom line is that this site is a Godsend and I know it will be my rock when I start this journey again on Saturday. In the past, patches have helped me break my unconscious craving habits like lighting up for a phone call. I normally  only used them for a week and in very small amounts such as 7 mg. After reading today it seems that is not the way to go. I have to get my family to understand that I may be moody and struggling for a few days. They claim they will be supportive but experience has been that they don't understand how hard it is at all. I suppose that is normal and this time I am prepared for it.

Thank you for all the support and encouragement.

Gina

[AnnetteMM]

I'm so sorry about your Godson. Same thing happened to my 15 year old stepson. It is so tragic. But also tragic is believing that cigarettes actually help. They don't, do they? Smoking doesn't help with the pain at all, in fact it adds to it. It adds more stress. You don't need that! You don't need more stress! F*CK CIGARETTES!

[Mandolinrain]

First and foremost I send hugs and sympathy and prayers to you for the loss of your Godson. That had to be terrible and heartbreaking. 

I also want to say, you did come back, so something you learned here stuck. I am glad to hear your back and re-reading the material. I failed many times before I decided it was time to buckle down and truly understand my failed quits. What happens when people who don't smoke have bad things happen in their life? THIS is something you need to explore and only you can decide in the future what you will choose to do under the circumstances.

My hearts breaks for what you went through and are going through. Sending you hugs and even more prayers that you will will heal and come to turns with your quit...that you WILL find your way to a successful quit.

Chin up my friend, you can do this.....no judgement , just hugs and glad your back!

 xoxoMissy

[MichelleDiane]

Gina, I am sorry for your terrible loss.  It doesn't seem like this now, but you are stronger than you feel, smarter than you think, and braver than you know.  Keep close to this site and set your date.  When it comes you will be ready and we will continue to be there for you.

All the best,

Michelle

[maryfreecig]

Painful and unexpected time for you. My condolences to you.

By smoking again, the addiction was re-ignited. Regret and wishes can't turn that around. But it seems  you're almost ready to get back to your recovery. Stay tuned-in here and let Exers help. Yes you can, one day at a time.

[indingrl]

Hi Gina you are ok when I used nicotine again it was said to ME you do what addicts do they USE. So come on back regroup and IF you choose to ADMIT to your INNER most self your an addict read the blogs by Dr Hays he offers insight to addiction inner mind defeat thoughts and feelings with tools to help you to THINK new RECOVERING addict thoughts! No worries Gina you are NOT alone on using nicotine I did it. I had to do over too. Thank you for your courage and honesty and also there is early death from nicotine videos at whyquit.com I watched Byron's and it saved my life and brought ME out of denial! I admitted complete defeat and I am a nicotine addict to MY inner most self! You gotta want it for YOU Gina remember one day at a time break your day down to now and  WELCOME back and keep blogging! WE will stay quit together!      

[MichelleDiane]

Oh my.  I just went to whyquit.com and saw Bryan's story.  Smoking is a death waiting to happen.   Thanks for mentioning that indingrl.01.06.2011.  Keep moving forward Gina.  We have your hand.  Just hold on.

-Michelle

[gmcculloch]

I just read it also. I printed it out and stuck it on my fridge.  I knew Nicotine was addictive but I never knew how much until I got on this site. Thank you to all of you!

[Giulia]

I had a feeling that was why you couldn't connect back.  Just wanted to hear it out of your own mouth, if that makes any sense.  And speaking it may help you too in the process.  As speaking Shane's name helps, both you and us.  Because he becomes more real for us.  

You don't need to be in a hurry with quitting.  It's more important (to my mind anyway) to take the necessary time to find your bedrock.  In order to have a stable, long-lasting quit, you need to have enough knowledge to create a strong preparation.  Without that foundation, it will be harder.  This is not to deter your Saturday new beginning, because you already have done some of the prep (having already had a two-week quit).  And it's not to give you an easy out for postponement.  But the groundwork still has to be established.  It can happen DURING your quit.

We were all online 24/7 when we first quit.  Well, those of us with the time.  And for those who didn't have the time, they were here every chance they got.  That's what one needs to do.  It's brainwashing out the old and brainwashing in the new thinking and behavior.  I think for those of us with long-term successful quits, our quits became our PASSION.  That didn't happen all at once on our quit day.  It was a gradual process.  But once we were focused in, the journey become our Everything.  

Just passing thoughts here.  Take what you like and leave the leftovers.  

[Gma_Bernie]

Gina,

Give yourself a break. I tried for many many years to quit . and something always came along to ruin it, but then I was looking for things to excuse myself. I'm not saying that's what you did. In fact just the other day I said to my husband the only thing that might make me go back to smoking would be the death of a loved one. He said don't think about it. But I do think about it. And the longer I think about it the more I think why would I want to add the sadness of giving up my quit to the sadness of losing someone I love?

You will quit when you are ready. You've already demonstrated that you can do it for prolonged periods. It will come. If you want it bad enough. If you need some inspiration, just come to the site and read some of the problems that some of us oldsters have after having baked our lungs for 45 years or so. It's not so easy to recover after that long. You still have a chance to come out of it relatively unscathed. Don't give up. Just give yourself a little time and understanding and you will do it again. Peace. Bernie