i went to the doctor to get a referral to see a psychiatrist this morning. i have mixed feelings about it. i feel like they've never listened to me in the past. i also dread how long it will take to get in to see someone.
i've felt like this off and on for 20 years. when i quit drinking it was a bit worse the year leading up to me stopping drinking than it is now. so, it was the reason i drank as well as the reason i stopped drinking. but stopping drinking didn't make this insanity away.
sorry for the pity party, it seems that every step along the way (from stopping drinking, to stopping drugs, to reassessing my sex life, to stopping smoking) has been giving up a coping mechanism but no matter how hard i try to the right things the underlying issues are still there.
i've been doing 12 step stuff, and counseling and being sober, and praying and connecting with others for a decade and idk if i feel entitled to feeling normal or right, but i feel like i've been told if i continue doing things long enough that the miracle will happen. but i feel effing nuts.
i understand that nicotine, like any other drug used addictively, doesn't "really" do anything to help. at best it's a short term solution and doesn't fix the underlying issues. but i really want to drink and smoke today. it's been a long time since i really wanted to do those things and just antisocially check out.
i dont have a plan to drink or smoke. right now my plan is to have a glass of water, lay down for 20 minutes and get up and clean the kitchen real good.
