Yesterday was my hardest day since my, "Quit." I dont know what happened but I think I was just taking everything too personal and seeing the darkest side of every situation and scenario I encountered.
I have made a peaceful effort to look at things in the simplest of ways today and not read or write more into things; than that which is needed for the most basic of perceptions. I am now not staying too busy which I think is what happened. I thought if I never stopped moving I would be able to outrun my addictive thoughts. In the end what I did was simply wear myself out.
I stayed busy enough today, but not at a pace so frantic that when I took the time to rest and relax that my motor kept running. I cant outrun my addiction and the only way to deal with it is to every now and then come to a dead stop; meet it in my wake and kiss it, punch it in it's face and move on!
Things are obviously not going to be as black and white as I would like them to be. I am going to have to own both ends of the spectrum and see the beauty and horror in both. Life does not always package things in cozy familiar terms. If I have a prayer it is that I can see beauty in all things even the unfamiliar things that scare and confuse me.
Thank you to the many of you who took the time to help me through a very difficult day. I want to get through this with my eyes wide open and a clear mind that has space for change.
