"Ain't No Sunshine When she's Gone" AKA Bill Withers knew what I'm feeling...

[katjus73]

Well, I'm 5 days away from my quit date, and I'm a mess today.  I've had my granddaughter since last week, and she went back home today (she and her mother live over 5 hours south of me).  I bawled and bawled, went to sleep for a little while, then got up, smoked part of a cigarette, bawled a little bit more, and now everything I see, I think "my sunshine's gone." 

You see, when my oldest found out she was PG, she had separated from her husband.  They apparently conceived "during the breakup" so she found out when she was approx. 16 weeks.  She had gained weight, with him being a control freak, and started losing weight, but I noticed some changes that had me "feeling" that feeling.  

At the time, she was living with a friend, who was married and for some reason, couldln't conceive, so they were trying to adopt.  My oldest had some issues when she was younger and surgery, etc., and was told that one of her ovaries looked like it was trying to work after (she had her first menses a few months after surgery) but it was unknown if she was ever going to be able to conceive.  At my urgance, she finally took a test, then called me in a panic when it came up positive.  Her and her husband had hoped to get PG the whole time they were married, but it never happened.  She hadn't even had to buy a test-- she still had some from before the marriage started failing.  

Her friend started pressuring her to let her have the baby.  Here she was, just finding out she was PG after thinking she was going to have to go to a fertility specialist if she was lucky, and if she wasn't, wouldn't ever have her own children.  She was in shock, just starting to recover from the breakup (it was late June-- they split mid-February and had conceived when she was trying to save it in March).  All her friend could think is she wanted the baby.  I told her to come home.  I told her that if she chose to give the baby up for adoption, we had family members close enough and far enough that wanted to adopt and after the actions of her friend (she kicked her out because my daughter and leaning toward keeping the baby and was pregnant while she couldn't-- which they never found out why or if it was something simple).  It was a horrible situation and the end of a life long friendship.

I had also offered the alternative to take legal custody, which was for medical reasons, school, things like that, but that I would relenquish back to her, unless she was in some kind of lifestyle and would put that in writing.  But I did NOT want her to let her "friend" have that child, with all the pushing and manipulating, especially after she showed her true colors.  If she chose to take this joyful turn in her life, I was going to be right there for her-- and she wouldn't be alone.   In other words, I was offering alternatives.  

Her first appointment, they did an ultrasound to find out how far she was, and it turned out to be 19 1/2 weeks.  We found out that moment that I was going to have a granddaughter.  Both of us were crying like you wouldn't believe, including a family member who may have adopted if my daughter hadn't decided she was going to keep her.  I actually think I "bonded" before we had the positive test, because I "felt" she was pregnant, and I always said "her" and told my daughter I just had a feeling it was a girl.  I can't explain it, but I just knew and felt that bond from a point I can't even tell you.  

And when my daughter was admitted to the hospital a few days before the due date (because my daughter has small hips and "pumpkin" as she was christened because that's what she looked like by October-- a pumpkin under my daughter's shirt), I was there all night long.  I went to the OR for the emergency C-section when the epidural went wrong and pumpkin was in distress, and had to stand at the door, but as soon as the APGAR was done and she was bundled up, I was the first to see little Pumpking and her funny, crooked, cone-shaped head.  I walked her to the nursery and stood there while she was under the warming lights.  I gave her the first bath, which stunned the nurse, because apparently, most parents were afraid to.  I put the little ribbon in her hair (and put it off center to kind of hide the strange shape from the corner of Pumpkin's head being pushed down toward the birth canal because my short bodied daughter was carrying a 21 inch baby with a long body) because I was so afraid my daughter would be scared or worried.  Finally, my daughter had awakened and wanted to see her baby girl.  I had her that whole time and wouldn't let anyone have her once I gave her the bath and dressed her and held her up to the glass to let everyone see her.  

I walked her to the room where my daughter had the first moments as a mother, saying "she's perfect" and crying because, like me, she was in love, and we got that on film.  

Until Pumpkin was about six months old, they lived with us.  I comforted my daughter when Pumpkin had colic and she thought she was doing something wrong, crying and thinking she wasn't a good mother.  I let her sleep and sang and walked Pumpkin until the crying was over, and once my daughter saw, as I told her, that it would happen the same time each night, she allowed me to teach her what would soothe little pumpkin.  When my daughter was tired, I would give her a break.  For six months, I was the other parent.

Then they moved to an apartment two blocks away because it was time.  While my daughter was working and before the daycare opened (which was a wonderful place, btw), I sat until it was time to get Pumpkin up, feed her breakfast, get her dressed and delivered to the daycare.  Or I would pick her up for the few hours left between when the daycare closed and my daughter got off work.

I was there when the DNA test finally proved to her ignorant husband that YES this was a product of his genetics, though I think all of us would have been happier otherwise.  I was there when he dropped the ball.  I was there at the doctor when they heard a murmur, and the tests and the visit to children's hospital to find out little Pumpkin had a hole in her heart (Atrial Septal Defect) and when they removed the hemangioma that continued to grow right over it.  Through it all, I was there because no one else was, but definitely because I loved that little girl with all my heart.  

I started singing "Let Me Call You Sweethear" to her when she loved the tune from her baby swing.  I changed a word to note her sapphire blue eyes, instead of true eyes, but she still to this day, loves it.  I also sing "Don't Take My Sunshine Away' including the second verse which most people don't know.  It doesn't matter how long its been since I've seen her-- she literally jumps into my arms and she's 15 months old.

But my daughter met someone, and he's a good someone for both of them.  The downside is he was going back to Texas, so they went right at Pumpkin's first birthday.  I got to keep her a couple weeks while they settled in down there, and started the first of many ceremonial crying fits when they left to take her to her new home.  

A few weeks ago, she started in a daycare so my daughter could go to work.  The daycare was awful, and needless today, even though they got a spot in the daycare they wanted in the first place, Pumpkin was sick, sick, sick, and the doctor said the time line meant she caught it from that awful place.  So I loaded up, met them halfway, and brought Pumpkin to Mimi's to recover, as she wasn't able to return to daycare for a week.  

Now, I'm in no shape to take care of a toddler, but I did love my Pumpkin.  There were times when I would be so tired, being up with a sick baby girl who was coughing and tired out and cranky, but to hold her and have her tuck those little precious arms around my neck were heaven, even then.  

But today, her other grandparents took her home (my daughter's father-- my 1st husband and his fiance).  I bawled and bawled, went to bed because I was all cried out, then saw something she had been playing with this morning, and bawled some more.  When my husband got home from work, it brought tears to my eyes again.  Because there ain't no sunshine now that she's gone... With 5 days until my quit date and 7 until they come for an Easter visit (I hope is still happening), those coffin nails look awful sharp, and I'm thinking of picking up a guitar and learning the chords to the song I've been singing all evening:

  "Ain't No Sunshine"

Bill Withers

  Ain't no sunshine when she's gone 
It's not warm when she's away. 
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone 
And she's always gone too long 
Anytime she goes away. 
  
Wonder this time where she's gone 
Wonder if she's gone to stay 
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone 
And this house just ain't no home 
Anytime she goes away. 
  
And I know, I know, I know, I know, 
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, 
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, 
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, 
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, 
I know, I know,  
Hey, I oughtta leave young thing alone 
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone 
  
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone 
Only darkness every day. 
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone 
And this house just ain't no home 
Anytime she goes away. 
Anytime she goes away. 
Anytime she goes away. 
Anytime she goes away.

[cheyenne7]

Wow, what a beautiful story of a grandmother's love......hope you write this somewhere so pumpkin can read it one day.....very touching.....

Count your blessing : )

[nanawendy]

There is no stronger love than a grandmother to her grandchildren. I am a Nana to 6 and they all have a part of my heart.

[linda258]

Great inspiration for you to quit..... read reasearch and prepare.... when they return you will be smoke free and with the history you described the child should not be exposed to second hand smoke.... Good for you!

[katjus73]

What can I say... I love my lil Pumpkin! ❤️

[moody_9-18-13]

How did you know that Bill Withers song is my second favorite song of all time, right behind Neil Young's Harvest Moon? 

I am bawling with you right now. My heart says, you need to quit so you will have a better chance of being there for her for many, many more years. What a beautiful tribute to love that I believe only a grandmother can feel. 

Sending you love and hugs. 

[katjus73]

Moody, How sweet!  I know that some of Bill's and Neil's best was actually before I should know it, but I was a music lover in the cradle.  Mom used to tell a story about me humming in my crib to songs on the radio.  Her and her sister about fell out when they realized I was carrying the tune!  Music therapy has become a way of life for me.  And I will tell you, I'm pretty sure a higher power brought that little drop of honey into mine and my daughter's lives for a reason.  

My daughter was so devastated when her marriage ended, even though at the end, and before that, it was proving to be a bad one.  I can't tell you the nights I would hear her crying, trying to hide from everyone, and I would go in to her and be Mama to my child.  We kind of ended up laughing because I said she was almost too big to be in my lap... LOL.  And I told her the truth: you don't get over love-- you learn to live with the loss.  People say you get over it-- nope-- you don't.  You learn to live with it and each day, it's easier.  You may one day not be IN LOVE with that person, but if it's love, it will always be some form of love-- but it'll change.  And we went over the "what she could have done" because she did more than she should have had to.  We cried and hugged until she could sleep and sometimes, I just moved over and she would crawl in bed beside me and I would rub her back when she cried in her sleep.

Then, she started getting back to living, but she was still lost.  She didn't have a direction, really.  She was bouncing around, got into a relationship that was okay for a rebound, but wasn't going to be a good one to last.  She had to find the strength to drop that and go back to where she was before.  She had planned on going to college, but her controlling husband messed up her first semester of college by getting in the way of her attending!!!  She was still struggling and trying to find her way when she found out Pumpkin was coming.  She was so scared and upset at first.  But we got through that and we were happy and excited and you know what?  That little bundle of energy put her back on a path.  She had a reason to plan her life again.

And as for me, I needed that little girl too.  I was going through things and about to turn 40, which in my family means a lot of things suddenly become clear and you let go of things that aren't going to be.  It's kind of up/down because on one hand, you clear things out to start new but it hurts to let some dreams die, even if they're silly or impossible.  Well, Pumpkin was born almost a month to the day before I turned 40, so I guess you could say she saved my life too.  Or gave me one.

So when she leaves, I listen to some songs to let me grieve, I guess you could say.  "Blue eyes crying in the rain" "Ain't no Sunshine" "Let me Call you Sweetheart" "Maybe Someday" and a host of others start getting played when she leaves.  And when she's back, I sing certain songs I have always sang, and she will "try" to sing with me and rock.  

Anyway, I'm going to quit before I start bawling again!