yep, you guessed it, i fell from my 37 days straight onto the concrete. right on my face. i am ashamed and feeling like a chump. and not only because i failed at this attempt, but the reason behind it. see, my ex took our kids overnight for the first time by himself ever, and for the first time in the last 3 months, and i let it stress me to the point of smoking. i consciously drove myself to the gas station after they were picked up, i consciously bought not just one, but two packs of smokes before heading to my boyfriend's for the night. i consciously bought two lighters because they were buy one get one free....i put that cigarette in my mouth and it tasted like ASS. did i throw it out though? hell no, i just kept pumping that shit back into my body, all the while feeling like i was gonna vomit. i continued to smoke all; night at chris's, to the point where by 9:00 i was hugging the toilet bowl,, praying i didn't throw up my dinner. i forced that shit into my body. what the hell was i thinking?????? i had to lie down on his bed for an hour and then lie on the couch to watch a movie because sitting up made me feel like i was gonna die. poor chris, he was so great.... asking if i was okay, if i could walk, if he could do anything. he really is amazing. anyways, i can tell you that i definitely learned my lesson. yeah, yeah i know. we all say that, right? let me tell you that i tried to smoke after that and i couldn't even take a puff. it was so nasty i had to put it out. and i tried to touch one this morning, just to see if i could, and i almost threw up. i still have both packs though. i was looking for the receipt from the gas station to return the unopened pack, but i can't and it's like throwing away almost 7 bucks. makes me wanna just gag. both ways. the smoking and the throwing away 7 bucks. i haven't smoked since last night, who knows what time, so i'm gonna call today my re-quit date. i'm putting up a new clock and i feel as if i've let you all down as well as myself. and for what? absolutely nothing. i am deeply ashamed and feeling like a chump right now. i would have been on earlier, but i didn't wanna own up to what i did. i wasn't even gonna come on here til my "72 hours" was up because i wanted to make sure i was nico-free before i got on here. i'm pretty sure at this point i'm just rambling. i'm so mad at myself for letting the thought of the ex husband bring me to fall off the wagon. i can't really blame him however. it was my own choice and once again, i take responsibility for it. please forgive my mistake and i hope you continue to support me on my way back up the chain of ex-smokers.
