confession time

[SarahP]

I’ve been struggling with how to write about my 4^th of July. I’m already finding myself whitewashing it in my mind, and composing a story that spins things so I’m the hero, but I think I need to go for brutal honesty here. Addiction is addiction, I’m not going to say anything that will be a surprise to anyone. But lying to myself will set me on the wrong path.

I spent the holiday weekend at our cabin in the woods of Upper Michigan. My family owns the place and we all take turns vacationing there. I’ve been going up there my whole life; it’s my favorite place in the world.

And oh my goodness, the smoking triggers are everywhere. The lake, the woods, sitting on the porch, fires, alcohol, relaxation, sunsets, sunrises, long walks, canoe rides, and more and more and more. And smoking has been part of all of it for the last 20 years.

I went up there by myself for the long weekend. I knew the triggers would be bad, and I thought I was prepared to deal with them. Instead, my very first night, I ransacked the place looking for any stray packs my aunt (the only smoker left in the family) might have left behind after her last trip.

I didn’t find any, thankfully. And I didn’t go into town to buy some, or to the cabin up the road to bum some. I wish I could say it was a fit of insanity that passed, but I did it again the next day when I realized she could have left some in the garage or in the glove compartment of the 4-wheeler. Ransacked the entire garage. Found lots of interesting stuff, but thankfully no cigs.

After that second fit I settled down and enjoyed the rest of my long weekend. I still wanted to smoke, but was able to deal with it the way I have been dealing with it all along, letting the thoughts drift in and out, and not giving them any importance. And I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I re-learned how to enjoy the cabin without cigarettes, and I came home yesterday a happy person.

But it scares the hell out of me, how close I was to coming home a relapsed smoker. What was so different up there? Was it the sense of isolation? Feeling that it wouldn’t have counted, or would have been my little secret or something? I knew it was wrong, knew I would regret it, but I still tore the place apart looking for some. And I would have smoked any I found.

Okay, confession over. Today is day 118 smoke-free, and still counting, thankfully. Shaken up, but moving on.

[Dakota_Posse]

Sarah - 1

Sickorettes - 0

YAY!!!!  You win girl!!!!!

[MarcieWhosoever]

Im not quite sure what to say that you dont already know. I can say I am glad there was no smokes or this blog would be very different. If you were even blogging at all yet. You are not meant to smoke!

You are very close to being out of NML stay strongSarah! you can do this. I know you are sooo glad you are still smokefree. Please remember we all have the choice to smoke! each and everyday we have the choice. Everyday we have to choose NOT to smoke.

I am glad u r smokefree still. If you need to talk you know how to get to my page ☺

luv ya,

Marcie

[SarahP]

Thanks both of you. I don't expect anyone to have any magic words, I wrote this to keep myself honest. That's what was so scary -- how easy it was to say "f*** it, I want one", how easy it would have been to throw away everything I've gained. My aunt being a good housekeeper is all that stood between me and relapse. Scares the sh*t out of me. I can deal with being around other smokers, but being alone was what almost did me in?? Very strange.

[MarcieWhosoever]

thats what I think too. you were alone. Well, what matters is that you are still smokefree 🙂

glad you blogged to us about it. Thanks for being honest with us and with you.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

I don't think I can get into psychoanalysis on this board.

Just sayin

[Strudel]

Sarah - you were very smart to blog about this - like you said, to keep things honest with yourself. The good news - you didn't smoke. Also - you didn't go get any cigarettes. You made that decision - despite feeling that you wanted one. You have learned how very fragile a quit is and that it must be protected at all times. The most important thing - you kept your quit! Take care.

[jojo_2-24-11]

sarah, thank you for not doing it and for blogging about it, very honest indeed. I haven't stepped into a WaWa since I quit smoking, this is where I would buy them ,major trigger for me, I also bought them at work, no trigger there or else I wouldn't have a job now because I would have called out for the past 4 months LOL

[lynette9]

Dearest Sarah,

How I admire you! You have integrity, my dear and above all, honestly. With yourself. My only suggestion is to really meditate on why being alone triggered such a terrible craving.

I think it's good that you got so scared. Perhaps this will bring it home to you and to all of us, we really must protect our quits!

[breathe-free]

Thanks for sharing....I understand...glad neither of us picked up a smoke....Don't want to literally start sucking poison into my system again.....Don't want to repeat the first 21 days....LOL   We are using it as our " anchor" as one wise woman on here told me to do.   I feel better all around about myself!!  Breathe Free

[Alice23]

Sarah - this reminds me of day 3 or 4 of my quit.  I hadn't started coming here yet.  I had just tossed out the idea of quitting ...people didn't know whether to take me seriously this time or not .  (I've attempted before).   The house was quiet, no one home, just me and the nicodemon.  We went on a TEAR around here looking for a whole clean fresh cigarette.  I told myself that I would not smoke butts.  I would not BUY any - if there was one left in my car, my daughter's car, (she was with my hubby somewhere in his truck), a coat pocket, an old purse, ANYWHERE, I would smoke it!  I found a pack of some weird little brown cigars on my husband's dresser - NOPE ...those weren't what I was looking for.  I actually found an EMPTY cig pack on the top of a hutch ( a previous hiding spot from a former quit LOL).  When I was convinced that there wasn't a cig to be had - I gave up the notion.  And then I gave myself hell !  "Look at who you've become!"    It wasn't that long ago , that I had the opportunity to smoke and no one would have been the wiser - but I couldn't face myself if I had given in 

That was my last nicotine "fit".  I believe it had something to do with being alone.  I believe it had something to do with being so fresh in the quit.   So with that said - let's look at it this way Sarah .....We've faced the demon - we've gone sweaty crazy looking for a cigarette - and we DIDN'T CAVE IN ..........hey girl ...."Look at who we've become"!!!  Yay us!

Thanks for sharing your story - we all need to know we're in this together 🙂

[Madyzsgocka]

Really? Wow. That surprises the hell out of me about you Sarah. 118 days and you seriously dug for them? would have smoked um had you found them? Then what is this all about for you? I'm on vacation too....I drove up here to Wisconsin from Georgia with 2 lbs. of tobacco in my trunk for my sister. When I got to Kentucky, I stopped and bought a pack of Marb Reds to light as the torch for the bonfire...tossed them in the trunk with not a second thought till I got up here and took them out and burned them up. Drove 15 hours straight without even thinking of lighting up. You would have, after 118 days, smoked cigs you dug for had you found them? Huh? Are you white-knuckling? Whatever. 

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Thank GOD you didn't find one! What a scare and a warning to you of how vulnerable your quit is! I know you'll use this opportunity to fortify your quit armor and become stronger than ever! Thanks for sharing! Ho9w many of us have had this exact same experience and never admitted it? Do you suppose that down the line by NOT sharing they added to their chances of failing? It wouldn't surprise me!!!! Thank You for your INTEGRITY! That's what living Smoke FREE is about!

[SarahP]

That's right Mady, I'm not perfect and I had a bad episode.  "Whatever" back atcha.

[Madyzsgocka]

I can understand a bad episode, and I'm sorry...I'm in a place right now that is triggering me left and right, but if I actually went through the motions of looking for them, i think it would wake me up to certain aspects about some of my thoughts, and committment level. I was harsh on you to try to get you to do that. Thank-God you didn't find any. 118 days is awesome, you are hosting No-Man's land roll-call, you are doing great. Maybe next time, if in a place like that....go outside? take a walk/run? A swim? Just dont' look for um....change your thoughts, fight the temptations. Just trying to help, but yeah, I can be a dick. 😞 Sorry