Winter Blues

[Carol5]

I am at 294 days quit, but my depression took ahold of me. I am just so upset at myself. I was so positive & full of life when I started this journey and now all I want to do is just lay in bed and sulk. What is going on with me. These new feelings of saddness and anger has really taken a toll on me especially when I normally don't feel them. I would only back away from people or things that would upset me. Now I am faced with them head on.

I am proud of the quit, but other than that....I just don't know. Digging a hole is only going to make it deeper, but it is where I want to go, because I am not bothering anyone else. The problem with that is the hole just keeps getting deeper and deeper with no light. This is just not working. The consistant battle with one's self over the negative feelings vs the positive. Why fight then?....you don't need to. Start loving the battle, because it is letting you know that you are alive and well. 

I mean seriouslly, who would have thought we would be here and be this far ahead? Noone especially if you didn't either. Stay ahead of yourself and know that at the end of the day, YOU LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD and bringing your quit with you EVERY step, EVERY second, EVERY minute, EVERY hour OF EVERY DAY!!!! Don't give up on yourself because he/she NEEDS you to protect them with YOUR LIFE!!!!! From my own experience, YOU MUST WATCH WHAT YOU SAY TO YOURSELF!!!! Love yourself like you do an infant & protect yourself/quit. 

[Ms.J_11-10-2013]

I'm a little confused by your blog but you have 294 days of freedom and you should be damn proud of that.  Yes protect it like an infant and fight for it.  Just remember "If you have just one you are back to where you started!  Where you started was wishing you were where you are now!!

Hang in there Carol, please!

Jackie

422 DOF

[elvan]

Carol,

I think it sounds like you got stronger as you wrote this.  Of course, you should be very, very proud of 294 days and of course, there are going to be tough times...you need to get out.  You cannot stay hidden away, I don't care if you just go to the store and smile at everyone. Sooner or later, you are going to feel better.  Coming here and posting is a great thing to have done, you take away some of the depression just by interacting but I suspect you need some face to face interactions.  Talk to someone...ANYone.  I am telling you this because it helps me, I have had a really tough time lately but talking to people, LISTENING to people, makes me feel better. 

That quit is still an infant...it's getting older but it still needs your care and nurturing and it cannot survive without your love and attention.  This too shall pass, Carol.

Best,

Ellen

[Carol5]

Dearest Ellen,

Thank you. I have been here with you from the begininng and you have truly come so far. I just miss my step-mom so very much that feeling of sorrow takes over many times. I have been in therapy and it is helping. I just needed to put my words down, so that I can come back and look at. I love EVERYONE I have met here. No one judges & I always feel I can be honest. 

I started writing this feeling down and sad, but continuing to write like that wont help a "newbie" if they should read it. I changed how I presented it, so that they could see that I too could clean up my post (so to speak). I didn't mean to get anyone lost as to what I was saying. 

I am sad cause I am without my step-mom of 21 years, but I have to learn to live without having her here with me and that is the hardest thing to do. Staying in the sorrow is only going to hurt me worse emotionally, so I am learning how to step out little by little. It is not easy, but neither was giving up something I enjoyed. I started this journey of self recovery because I honestly didn't expect that I could. I keep going forward because that is the only way to go. 

I have learned to shut out my bad feelings and just learn to walk toward the warmth. Learning to let go of our loved ones is never easy but with time we learn that they would not want us to be so sad. 

[elvan]

Try not to think of stopping smoking as giving up something you enjoyed...it was lying to you, it was killing you.  You are not giving up anything, you are opening the door to freedom. 

I have had many losses in the past couple of months so I know how easy it would be to get lost in the sadness and I did allow myself to do that when I felt that I really had no choice but, for me, it was time to at least try to move on.  Nancy, Youngatheart, told me to write down something I am grateful for every night before I go to bed, Newfound Joy told me to get on my knees when I pray.  I had been doing a gratitude list in the morning but I will admit that it was rather spotty and I did get down on my knees to pay but not EVERY night.  I have been doing both and I feel as though they are helping me.  Writing also helps...IMMENSELY.  Sharing what is bothering you takes away 50% of its power and it does not plant it on the people you share it with.  Writing here was a great thing for you to do...keep going.  You are not going to scare anyone, you might just find someone out there who has something to offer that you never thought of and you also might find someone out there who needed to hear that they were not alone.

Sadness is a feeling, just like happiness...feelings happen, we are just not used to actually FEELING them without the anesthesia of nicotine.  You are doing fine.  Nothing wrong with some winter blues.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

life has sad times. i'm sorry for the loss you are feeling.

congrats on 294!

[djmurray]

You're my hero -- 294 days -- I'm only at Day 6, but I aspire to be where you are!!  I've been a really heavy smoker for over 50 years, and have tried quitting many times, but this one is going to stick because I have finally grasped that cigarettes did NOTHING for me but satisfy the craving that I created when I smoked the very first one when I was 13 years old!  They didn't make my problems go away or even make them better; they didn't make my meals any better, they made me anxious to finish and light up. They didn't make me more social, they made me want to leave the gathering so I could have a smoke.  I stood out in the rain, the cold, the sweltering heat and every other kind of weather to satisfy that craving.  Cigarettes only gave me one thing;  they did give me COPD. Hopefully I've stopped before the damage is too terribly bad.  But realizing these truths about cigarettes and smoking them has freed me to manage the early-quit cravings without too much angst.  Fortunately, my first day of this quit someone supplied a link to Allen Carr's book, and it has helped me tremendously.  I know that you're dealing with a terrible loss, and I certainly know how debilitating depression can be, but you've done a wonderful thing by turning to this caring, supportive community, and keeping your quit.  Hang in there!!

[Jennifer-Quit]

Carol - You are a couple months ahead of me - I am at day 250.  You were one of the first to reach out to me and I am very thankful for that.  I hope that you are feeling better by now - sometimes it helps to just put it into words.  You have got a great quit going there!  Congratulations!