When Life Changes

[Gail561]

When life changes or the next page of a new chapter happens and I am not quite prepared for it's outcome. Do I embrace it and say teach me as new ones are happening. I am not pushing the memory of my husband aside at alll. I am learning to be both parents for my child. I am lucky that this didn't happen when she was still in elementary or middle school - it could have been worse. No this is not what I wanted to wake up and not see him every day. I am still on autopilot in the stages of grief and will not deny that fact. I have laughed, cried and I still trip up on some of the stuff I want to say comes out really weird. I am also finding I have moved into a anger stage where if someone went into his old office or touched one of his things that I don't want them too I get really angry. I won't have people rummaging through his stuff as we are not ready to break it up yet. No one prepares you for this next step when your life changes. I have thrown myself into my art work and keeping a small journal mostly of thoughts from different days. It helps but only a few can read it. I have a very fine print and always have that some can't read it without a magnifying glass. I still feel like glass where I can be strong or shatter on a dime. Still don't like this feeling at all but that is my coping skills. I quit smoking back in 2016 and it was only slips recently that I reset my date to be fair. In honesty I can't stand the taste or smell. I wanted to be close to him but it didn't work. I have to not be hard on myself as I learn these new changes. I'm not going to say I'm not scared but know I have the strength to carry on is helpful. He would have been happy that some of his liliacs are showing up now. He loved the bushes all along our home is starting to wake up from the winter. My life definitely changed.....My Design