What about real life?

[jonilou]

It is messy. Some of us,maybe many of us, were horribly abused one way or another by clueless or evil parents or care givers. We are left with the effects of this mis-treatment and have to decide if it was our fault or give those people the benefit of the doubt. Either way, we struggle through, the best that we can and nicotine is a self medicating drug that we can control and it helps us and we come to depend on it. Maybe in conjunction with a few drinks, we can face life and get through the sometimes VERY long days. Unfortunately it is slowly killing us. Maybe some of us are not so upset with that, being unable to deal with the realities of life, we continue to smoke in the subconscious hope that God will get us the heck out of here sooner. 

What do you think? Coward's way out?

[constanceclum]

I think many people supress everything and end up as addicts and very angry. Knowledge is what helps us lucky ones. I've learned to stay out of my head and a good way to do this is by helping someone else. I think many people before getting help think of suicide. I have a diagnosis of suicide idealology but these days I am not suicidal. Maybe smoking and drinking is a slow suicide but no one has to be doomed.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Connie said what I was going to say

"by helping someone else."

Volunteer

[jonilou]

I am not helping here. Dale and Connie. Sorry . No self pity. 

[MarilynH]

You are strong Joni and I'm pretty sure that there is many of us that between, smoking cigarettes, pot and or alcohol did it all. I know my mom bless her soul will be gone four yrs in January had a very abusive childhood met my Dad and got married and started having us kids and without realizing it abused us kids and my father was no help. Long story short mom signed each one of us away to get married to the person we met, for me I was 16 from the frying pan into the fire not good at all that was my first marriage that lasted 13 yrs and 2 children, he was badly abused too . I think I wrote more in my first blog if anyone wants to read it, I am a recovering alcoholic married to my second husband a wonderful fuctioning alcoholic with cases upon cases of homemade beer in my basement, I have been sober over 4 and a half yrs, I quit smoking pot 25 or 26 yrs ago that was an easy quit, cigarettes well you all know I'm heading for 16 months. I don'tbblame my mom for the abuse, I have forgiven her many, many yrs ago, I don't blame Dad or my first husband either, not anymore. I choose to be content with my life and enjoy what I have, thank you Joni for your blog, I bury the past and hardly ever think about it but I hope it's ok that I have shared a little. 

Marilyn 

[bonniebee]

Does this blog mean you are considering smoking again ? Are you very depressed ? It sounds as though you are very sad .

It sounds like the pity pot that many speak of in AA .Down in the dumps feeling sorry for oneself and saying I don't give a damn what happens to me ! Wanting to die but afraid to do it outright...... I have been there, it is a time when gratitude is lacking. I have learned that for me  these feelings come and go ....this too shall pass is good to remember.

This is when it is good to reach out as you are doing now Jonilou Maybe I have it all wrong and you are not speaking of yourself but just some smokers in general .

[Puff-TM-Draggin]

Ditto.

Life is not fair.

But you can help make it better for someone else, somehow, somewhere.  Therein you will find Joy.

[YoungAtHeart]

"..and have to decide if it was our fault..."

This part of your blog bothers me a LOT.  NO child is to blame for abuse.  Period.  If we are mouthy, or unruly, THEY are the grown-ups and their maturity should allow them to come up with other solutions.  Let me repear - NO child is to blame for abuse.  It's perfectly OK not to forgive the abuser - but it is to your benefit to do so.  In that way, YOU become the adult!  Do understand that the abuse was the result of their being abused and had nothing, nada, zero, zilch to do with how you behaved.  Understanding what caused it should go a long way toward forgiveness..  They needed help that they never got.

I am so sorry you are sad.  I think a lot of folks self-medicated with nicotine to feel better.  It's not the answer!  Do you have a physician you might talk to about the changes in your mental health since you quit?  

Helping others is always a good thing; you receive so much more in return.  Exercise is also a GREAT mood enhancer.  I used to walk and walk and walk some more when I was blue and it really did help.

Please blog" help" before you smoke if you don't feel any better.  We are here for you!

Nancy

[Thomas3.20.2010]

I happen to agree with everything that you say here, Joni! That's why I call smoking the little suicide! Is it the best solution for PTSD? Is it the best that we can do? I somehow still have hope! I have worked for many Years with various treatments and still work to find a way of life that benefits me If I haven't found a certain degree of healing (wholeness) then I feel like there's no way that I can help others. I have to help myself first!

Well, let's look at alcohol, drugs, and smoking as a choice. I honestly don't believe that it's very effective for what we truly want - not to hurt so da%# bad! It can't even cover up the giant pain that lies just below the surface! Delay, delay, delay! But it's still there - and it still leaks out all over the place from time to time even with the Addiction! 

What's more, Addiction itself causes a whole nother set of problems, not just physically (which can become devastating) but mentally as well! Humans weren't meant to be self-destructive so Addiction further undermines our self estemm and sense of self worth! 

My solution is and has always been this: my perpetrators don't deserve to destroy me! Not then and certainly, not NOW! I will do everything in my power to live Life abundantly! It is my Victory over this enemy caused by abuse! I will not forfeit my quality of Life for somebody who has been dead X number of Years and has stopped being a 3D part of my life a very, very long time ago! In my concept of the next world they know that I not only survive - I THRIVE - in spite of their evil goals for me!

My solution is LOVE. And it starts with Self! I love myself just exactly the way I am! And I build on that LOVE with all of the very small decisions I make to care for me TODAY! That gives me the strength to leave the rest of it where it belongs - in the past FOREVER! I give up the need to relive although I never forget - no longer bound by their definition of me!

Abundant Living means Addiction FREE Living! A glorious VICTORY over Evil!

[cpsono]

Agree strongly with Nancy---What happened to you as a child is absolutely NOT your fault!  Your therapist will help you realize that and will help you work through it.  I'm sorry you are going through a hard time.  Your presence here is needed and appreciated!  

[HealthyOrange]

I also strongly agree with what Nancy and what others have said ~ the abuse was not your fault, no matter what.  Your parents/caregivers did not have the tools in their tool box to treat you properly and that is never the child's fault.  And yes, I believe a lot of us addicts do so to cover the pain and survive the best we know how at the time.  Thank God we have quit smoking and found one another to help us guide our way.  Us that have been abused have that "extra" layer of healing to do after we quit.  We were not only abused by others, but we harmed ourselves by coping with self-destructive behavior.  Loving ourselves and being patient with ourselves is key!  And Joni, you are so worthy of that love.  ((((Giant Hugs)))  Jamie 

[SimplySheri]

You raise some good questions, Joni, and these questions can lead to healthy debate and self discovery. I could probably write a book on my experiences and views on these topics. But I am not a therapist and not a doctor and not a certified smoking cessation professional. I will support anyone who quits smoking or who tries to quit. I will also encourage and guide. But I will be the first to refer those with suicidal thoughts or trauma based issues to a mental health professional . Because I care. Because I want you healthy. Because the more assistance you get, the more balance you will achieve. Thanks, Joni, for this blog!

[Junior7]

Interestingly, when I was smoking I thought I wanted to get sick and have it all end.  But now that I am not smoking, I am active and happier.  Just a thought.  Take care--we are here for you anytime!

[Zendlewise]

I feel a lot of sadness in your blog, Joni, and I am very sorry for whatever things you have gone thro.  Life can seem unfair and in fact, is very sad in many ways.  But you know, smoking is not a god life tool, or even a good tool for ending it.  Because it is slow and painful.   Even if I was suicidal, the reprucrussions of smoking are scairy.  Your life and your experiences and dreams mean something.  You are worth way more than how you are thinking right now.  Hang in there, I go there at times too.  Peace and Love

[elvan]

Joni, You mean a LOT to a LOT of people here and you have helped more people than you know. Coward's way out, NO, ADDICT'S way out, YES, ABSOLUTELY.  We all have baggage, some of our baggage is heavier than others and I can tell you from MY experience that there is not SLOW about the suicide from smoking, unless you mean the wishing it was over because you can't breathe, the wishing you had never started.  Life is not easy, it is not supposed to be, we are supposed to grow with it, with whatever it throws at us and we are SUPPOSED to feel the feelings, not numb them.  How can we grow under anesthesia?

PLEASE don't smoke dear lady! XOXOXO

[TerrieQuit]

oh, Joni, you are such a special person! I am so sorry for your past! We must grow past of our past! I tried to numb the pain for 40+ years! I have grown so much through thearpy, and sobriety and smobriety. i don't think my past will ever completely go away, but i have found that " i have to give it away to keep it"! I attend AA mtgs and have a sponsor, a thearapist and now i also have EX. and i volunteer and sponser other women! This helps me feel worthy and like I matter! Stick with life, because it does get better! If we keep going down the wrong path hoping it will just end, we end up with trying not only to forgive others but to forgive ourselves for what we did when we were trying to numb the pain! You are very worthy, what happened to you is not your fault! Stick around till the miracle happens! We love you! I love you! Hang tough!

121 days free

[Sootie]

Joni----I hope that you have some professionals helping you to deal with these issues. Because they are serious and beyond smoking or not smoking......they can have serious reprecussions for your future. We all love you here and want what is best for you.

Stupid little sayings can sometimes be annoying, I KNOW! But I love this one and it has helped me to never get mired in regret and what might have been. I hope you like it too.  

DO NOT LOOK BACK........THAT'S NOT THE DIRECTION YOU'RE GOING.