Well, it's back to ground zero for me.

[xsaffron]

Dear friends and fellow-exers here: 

I have fallen off the bandwagon. Baby was born on 25 June and I did an incredible job fighting the nico-demon until October. I fell off the bandwagon when I was sent away from family on assignment in mid-October. I bummed some cigarettes here and there from around the 17th of October. Just tonight after the election results, I bummed two more. I am stationed in Germany, and a German told me I looked "desperate" when I asked if I could have a cigarette. I don't know if it was due to me wearing pajamas or because our next Presdient is going to be Trump. I just know that this election really made me crave, made me mad that we had NO REAL choice. Even if we voted for whomever we did. It was a lose either way for me in my mind. Worse of all, I have lost my quit. I need to re-start. I am coming clean, because I need this site to help me again. I did it and let it go. NOPE was my go to, but somewhere, I lost it. Maybe it was being separated from my family, the routine, the security of the things I know and being sent away to a place where things were different? Maybe it was thinking that my mom is dying of lung cancer, and it is my fate as well? Maybe it was a result of feeling like I could "cheat" and just do it, because hey, I'm on a sort of separation vacation...why not? I don't know, I don't know why I gave up on my quit, but I did. I gave up on it. I am smoking again, not even on a daily basis, but enough that I know the hard road I have ahead of me to get back to where I was, and not even think about it again. I need to write this blog to remember what it means, to remember that quitting is the MOST important thing in the world. I do want to be there for my grandchildren and possible great-grand children. THIS, this, is THE MOST important thing! I can't believe this election has resulted in me bumming two cigarettes tonight. My existence is more important than the election and its results--no matter how upsetting and shocking it seems right now.  Quitting is more important than feeling desperate about our political situation, my mom's plight with lung cancer, marriage problems, etc., etc., I just need to be honest again. I fell. I HAVE FALLEN HARD. I need to reset the clock. SO please be with me in this time. I am not sure when my next quit date will be, but for now, let it be known. I am a cigarette bummer. Not on a daily basis, but on a weekly basis. I need to start-over. I do not even know how to begin again.QUITTING is the answer. I NEED TO QUIT AGAIN. I have failed. Goodbye 200+ days, hello day 1. Hello, I will start again. I just am not there yet it seems. WTF? 

[elvan]

Congratulations on the courage to come forward and tell us all what is going on.  I really wondered when you reached that 200 day mark, why we hadn't heard from you.  So sorry that you lost your quit, so sorry that you are separated from your new baby, is "it" a boy or a girl?  I cannot imagine how hard it would be to leave a child but you are showing such courage and discipline in serving your country and we are all grateful for that.  

Day one can be day WON, we are here, we have always been here and we will help you in any way that we can.  Congratulations on day WON!

Love,

Ellen

[JACKIE1-25-15]

You already know how to start.  NOPE

[Jennifer-Quit]

Congratulations on your new baby.  Quitting smoking is the very best thing that you can do for yourself and your family.  Set a date and do it!  And, in my opnion, the sooner the better! I don't know how much you smoked before, but keep it up and those couple of smokes every now and then will turn into an everyday thing.  If smoking could change the out come of that election, I would almost be tempted to smoke.  Just kidding - I will never smoke another one. 

[YoungAtHeart]

First of all, thank you for your service. I am so sorry you are separated from your family - I understand what a sacrifice you are making.

Don't despair - our country has survived more difficult places.  We survived Nixon,   the assassination of President Kennedy, 9/11, two world wars, Korea and Vietnam.  Have faith in our democracy.

I am happy you are back with us.  Let us know how you can get this finally DONE!    What are you waiting for to quit again?  Just DO IT!!!  We will be with you every step of the way.

Nancy

[xsaffron]

Man you all, I feel like the biggest loser right now. I still don't know how to accept what I have done to myself. I am trying not to get bogged down in this feeling of suck, but it feels so stupid. What a sabbotage, right? Thanks for keeping it positive. I needed to hear this. I am going to keep my new quit date for ways ahead, even though I know I will go without for a time nad then probably bum one from here and there. It is sureal. Can this be happening again? Dejavou devil. Erg. This. Suck. Suck. Suck. Thanks agian. I wil be honest. I will be accountable. I will again believe in not quitting on my quit, but for now, I AM IN LIMBO. Ugh and sigh. 

[MarilynH]

Prepare yourself for your new quit and when you are ready chin up and start stacking up those precious DOF again because as you know N.O.P.E - works when applied on a daily basis , you can and will succeed in this your upcoming quit . ☆ 

[RachelMB]

I"m a newbie with only 21 days in, but I'm here to support you!  You did 200 days before and will do it again and then some.  Stop beating yourself up.  Set a new date and let's do this together! 🙂

[Posamari]

200 days is amazing (!!) so I know you can do it again!  Being separated and a stranger in a strange land is so difficult.  I'm only on day 12 quit and it's a toughie. Last night watching election results was indeed a very hard time to not light up. Was difficult for me too.  We're here for you when you're ready.

-Posamari

[prjimm01]

no use in beating yourself up.  you were not ready.  when you are ready go for it again!  Very few make it the first try so do not be discouraged.  we are with you, we are for you!!

[Giulia]

I feel for you.  I really do.  Obviously you recognize that politics was just an excuse.  We were all nervous - on both sides of this election.  It mattered equally, emotionally, to each of us, whichever side we cast our vote for.  And being sent away on assignment was an excuse that you allowed in also.  You took that one dreaded puff and more.  You awakened the nicotine monster.  And now you're paying the penalty.  There's always a penalty for blowing our hard-earned quits.  

BUT, on the positive side, you haven't relapsed back to smoking to the extent that you are smoking every day.  That's GOOD.  Dying of lung cancer does NOT have to be your fate.  That's why you've fessed up and are going to continue on with your quit.  The other GOOD thing of which to remind yourself is that you have not smoked for 200 days.  That's a really good thing.  Don't forget that when you beat yourself up!  lol

Limbo is a nasty place to be.  Make a choice and you will be out of limbo.  Smoke, or don't.  Either way you will be out of limbo and relieve your mind.  I think you need to go back to remembering the choice that brought you to this site in the first place.  AND brought you back here.  Bottom line is - (deep down) you really want to be free.  But you want to smoke.  Recognize that the "you want to smoke" is simply the addiction speaking.  Not YOU.  Not that beautiful free child that never knew about a cigarette. 

Of course you can quit again.  Just like smoking is a sense memory - so is quitting.  Don't be afraid.  Come back home to best part of you.  Make your choice.  You can't have it both ways.  You just can't.   No matter how much we wish we could be casual smokers - it's just an impossibility for the majority of us.  So we have to make the decision.  We're in - our we're out and forever wishing we could be in.

[Silverstar]

Hi, xsaffron, sorry you are in a rough spot.  Getting 200 days of freedom was awesome, and I think you can do it again, just have to want to badly enough.  I am 33 days into my journey, and can only add one day at a time.  Glad you are here, this is a supportive environment that will nurture a young Quit - mine and yours!

[OldBones-Larry]

We are here when you are ready to begin again. 

[stAn3]

Welcome back! I am in a similar situation. Coming back to the site and admitting that I relapsed was the most helpful thing for me to prepare for quitting again.