24 days. 24 days. 24 days. Iām beginning to believe in myself with the help of this community and the supports Iāve put in place.
The first and most important thing was really realizing I DO have a choice in what I do with my life. Nicotine and cigarettes have been my go to for most of my life and holy moly was I uncomfortable when I didnāt have immediate access. That yapping voice in my brain and the physical withdrawal stuff always sent me back into the trap. I can not only manage not to smoke, but I can change my stinkinā thinkinā. I am not a smoker.
The second thing I practiced was WAITING. Iāll just wait a bit and see how it goes. I can always go back to smoking, but right now I just want to see if I can wait this it. As the cravings came less frequently and less intensely I began to believe that the stuff I read and the suggestions from the community might have some value.
The third thing has been distraction. There have been a few days (and Iām betting there will probably be a few more) when the craving and my monkey mind just made me crazy. I was WAITING, but not very patiently or comfortably. Showers (lots of them), sewing, washing anything (for some reason keeping my hands in water helped), tree hugging, sucking on my not smoking tube, doing word games, using nicotine substitutes occasionally, letting myself cry or laugh - just experience the emotions and hold on. All these things helped. But probably the best distraction for me was visiting here. Reading otherās stories, sharing what was going on with me, offering suggestions or support to others, reading articles were probably the most consistently helpful thing.
Asking for support has been crucial. I donāt like to ask for help. But I asked for help from family and friends. And sometimes strangers - depending on where I was when that craziness hit. Iād tell people in line with me, people in the doctorās office, the mail person. Told everyone I had quit smoking and how many days in I was. I asked people to text me and tell me how well I was doing. I took screen shots of my counter and sent messages to people so theyād respond with congratulations. Then I accepted all of the positive comments I got. I didnāt minimize my accomplishments. Itās darn hard to quit smoking. And I let it be hard and asked for support when I needed it.
I changed up routines. Coffee and cigarettes started every morning. One time, when we were on a family trip and I had promised not to smoke in the car I was taking my usual long coffee/cigarette prep before we could go. My son, tired of waiting, asked if I had any idea of how much I inconvenienced everyone else with my routine. I barked something at him about being the mom and keeping his thoughts to himself. I thought about that recently because I have so much more time to actually do things instead of sitting n a cloud of smoke. I started drinking tea instead of coffee and āgolden milkā which is really good and lots of water. I didnāt have coffee in the car or with phone calls.
When life got too stressful and I didnāt have tools to deal, Iād come here and post and ask for help. It always showed up. This community rallied around and said they believed in me, that they understood, and shared their stories. I take the pledge daily and am grateful for all of the hands offered. I try to find others who are struggling and offer a hand or suggestions.
I began to recognize things that were triggers that I hadnāt been aware of and just how cigarettes were entwined in everything I did, sucking the life out of me. I stayed away from places (like my local gas station that I bought my smokes at) and people (friends who have been my smoking buddies forever) if I even thought there was a possibility of my resolve weakening. And when I had a rough time getting gas I came here and ranted and let people be kind to me and tell me I was worthy and I learned to believe them.
The coolest thing was yesterday after a very emotional experience- I was hungry, angry, lonely and tired - I got in the car with a cup of dark roast coffee with 3 shots of espresso and reached for my cigarettes. When there werenāt any I was startled and momentarily lost. I caught my breath and said, āyou deserve a cigarette after getting through all of that.ā My next thought was, āoh, but I donāt smoke.ā I made the drive home listening to a podcast on obstructive lung disease and breathing, because I do that better now.
Today, Iām having one of my long Covid crashes. I have a sore throat, headache, earache, intestinal problems. Iām exhausted, weepy, my brain is dull. I spent hours trying to set up the new phone I had to get because my current one has reached its planned obsolescence date. I wasnāt successful and didnāt feel like dealing with tech people so I will do it tomorrow. BUT best of all, I have only had a few of those intrusive thoughts telling me that everything would be better if I have a cigarette. Iāve been able to handle.
Somethingās different this time. Iām not fighting myself at every turn. Iām allowing myself to understand that I can be good to my body and Iām excited about what the future will be like.
