Dear beautiful everybody,
I consider myself to be an alcolholic and a nicotine drug addict, who in the last 8 days has entered into No Man's Land. This is the term i was taught here but took me 2 relapses to finally understand just how tricky and tough this thing is. In short, it's the second wind of my nicotine addiction wanting to get me back on cigarettes. It's about as good as the Devil gets because after 30 days, you begin to forget to lose touch, to lighten up to believe that you've made it happen. "By Gosh! I'm 30 days free with no Chantyx no patch no nothing! Damn! Ain't I cool? There it is and then it comes. Not a craving like the ones from 72 hours. No. This time the cravings come packaged in sinister plans with when and wher and how to light up again. OK. We all got this right? So why haven't I smoked? i've wanted to every single day at least 4 to 5 times in the last 8 days! In other words, this monkey is right on my back and jumping hard. Why haven't I caved in? I ride it out almost numb to myself with a new awareness that this is phase 2 of the battle and it's on, I mena on brother, for anothe 4 to 5 months! But the question is whay haven't I caved in? Because of this group!!! This time I came running to all of you and told you about the thing going down and you came back like and Air Force raid and that support did something to me. Wanna know what I think it is? I got engaged and married to this group. I know we all talk about how the one I'm doing it for is me, rith? "You, you're the one! You are the only reason!" Yea....but not so fast. For me I would feel like a real jerk if I bailed and lit up now and I'd feel that way because I would be betraying all the love and support you all have given me. There it is. Plain and simple. Your love for me has been so very special that I don't want to lose it. I don't want to cheat on you with that woman called Nicotine. You guys are better. I want to stay. I want YOU to be proud of me. I want to grow old with all of you and say like so many of you have: "Today I'm celebrating 5 or 10 years!!" I wanna be another Giulia and the lot of you who are like her. I don't want you to tire of my relapsiong again and again. Even though everybody says it, I still don't believe that love is free. It maybe the first time but then you have to start giving back. So here it is gang, I WON'T SMOKE TODAY AND I WILL ENDURE THE CRAVINGS BECAUSE OF THE WAY YOU ALL HAVE LOVED ME and that is sendiong the devil straight back to hell!
Thank you.
Love,
David.
