Today, I was blessed, honestly. Yesterday, I got so much support and understanding from this community and some genuinely good advice.
Slowly but surely, I've started doing my own research and keeping a journal. I wanna share a moment that associated me to my motivation to quit. One of the strong senses of advice I received was that each time you go out and smoke, the effort is like a "memory".
I was sitting with my "morning smoke" and my coffee, when suddenly, a memory came back to me that was painted with a sense of regret but also a sense of excitement. I remembered a time when I shared something with someone I respected and that kept me in a positive mindset! Initially I was disappointed in myself, wondering Why don't I live like that everyday?
Then it hit me, I can't remember if I was smoking in that moment but I do recall it's one of the few moments in my life where I felt happy and completely stupid at the same time. I know I was still sick, recovering from my stroke.. and it was a choice I shouldn't have made, but the memory associated with the thought was so wholesome that I put out my cigar and immediately came to take the daily pledge.
As per the advice of.. someone who came before me, linked in this: Sure Okay. Starting Here. Not enthusiastic at all. (somewhere), I ended my unenthusiastic approach to quitting with first removing every single lighter and ash tray from my house and immediately taking it to the garbage. Not, the garbage in my house. The fucking garbage.
I could feel myself fighting every step of the way. "but we paid a lot of money for that. What if we get that urge?"
As I sat down this morning, I realized.. I enjoy my patio. A lot. I love spending time in fresh air and writing down my thoughts with my morning coffee. However, as I was writing.. Prior to even lighting the cigar that is like reflex to me in the morning, I caught a whiff of secondhand from my neighbor above me. Immediately, my resolve crumbled and I became impatient with myself. Hell, the only reason I'd brought the cigar out in the first place was because when I began clearing all the lighters.. I fucking missed one.
But that made me realize, as I become more committed to my quit, I may have to re-think where I live? I can't make my neighbor quit too just because I'm quitting. That's fucking selfish. But it's going to take more strength to try to enjoy my mornings without the sweet smell of temptation diving into my nose and putting back on the train to nowhere.
Today begins a new #DOF. I set aside time to really sit and dive into more educational understanding of what nicotine has done to my mind. Especially considering, a memory so bold in my mind, could make me quit and want to begin again at the same time.
Today, I'm just the slightest bit of proud that I was able to learn from the mistakes of yesterday. I can't promise myself I won't give in to the final temptation but I can acknowledge that when I I feel the urge, if I can come back here and simply remind myself what the last one felt like, I won't be so eager to take the 'easy route' by giving in to the next one.
One thing I can say is I'm glad I took the pledge today. I'm glad that memory popped into my head and reminded me that my brain is not completely useless. I'm eager to see where the day takes me and I'm glad more than anything that instead of sitting outside and smoking last night, I actually took the time to make my bed. It made sleeping last night feel more safe and familiar.
Good morning. Let's go, gang. My prayers go up for anyone else committing themselves today. It's not gonna be easy. But fuck is it hopefully going to be worth it.
