So this afternoon I almost overslept for work. If it wasn't for my wife calling me I would have. So in the literally five minutes I had to get ready and get out the door, my mind was racing with all the things I needed to do and take with me to work. Needless to say I was running around like a mad man, getting ready, putting on my uniform and grabing my backpack. When all of a sudden, a thought I have not had in a very long time pops into my head. I need to pick up a pack of cigarettes. I shook my head and thought where the hell did that come from? Then some voice popped in my head and said you will need it because of the stress you are having right now and to help you stay awake all night long.
Ah, yes, there you are nicodemon. I have not heard from you in a little while now. I was wondering when I might hear from you again. However, your voice was not as loud as I remembered. You definitely lacked that power of persuasion like you use to have. All in all you seemed very small and timid, even compared to about a week ago when I was worried I would not break 100 days of freedom.
Lately I have been reading a lot of blogs about people struggling with their quits and unfortunately, giving in. For those of you who are struggling please understand that nicodemon is like any other creature. The more you feed it the stronger it gets. Every time you light up; every time you reset your quit date he gets stronger and stronger. Look at me. I was the worst quitter you could ever meet. I would quit for a few days and pick it back up. Something would come up and stress me out or I would think maybe the heats off with my wife and she won't expect it now. Inevitably I would go back and smoke until my wife found out again. I let the nicodemon grow inside me to the point where he was very big, very loud, and very persusaive.
Then one day, I just stopped listening to him. It was hard. I even remember as I threw away my remaining packs him saying you will be sorry and that I would be back. Nicodemon is kind of like a bad girlfriend or boyfriend, who we know is bad for us, doesn't treat us right, and we know is only using us. However, we still go back to them time and time again. We forgive them and take them back again and again only for them to hurt us again and again.
You have to say enough is enough and walk away. Its hard. I know it is. However, once you get past that first week, things get better. Its kind of like a break up. Where you lie on your floor curled up in the fetal position all weekend. Then Monday comes and you get dressed and you go to work. The hurt is still there but you push through it. Before you know it a week has gone by and then a month, then two. The pain slowly starts to fade and as long as you don't call upon them you will be fine. It gets better. .
Then you get like me and you get to No Man's Land and its like seeing your ex with someone new. Its a shot to your gut for sure and all those old memories come racing back long after you thought you would have surely forgotten all about them. But you keep your head up. You exchange pleasantries and keep moving on because you don't want your ex to know how much you miss them. You keep taking one day at a time, fighting the urge to call them. Until one day you don't think about them anymore and then another, and soon a month has gone by and you haven't thought about them at all.
Then the day comes and your ex calls on you, asking how you are doing and if you want to do anything with them. And you LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH. You snort and try to regain your breath. How in the world did you ever like this person? What did you ever see in them?
Quitting smoking is no different. It just takes time. Keep putting your days together. There is light at the end of the tunnel and on the other side is a happiness we are slowly starting to imagine....a life without cigarettes.
As for me? I am somewhere between gut check and laughing. After the thought of buying a pack went through my head, I chuckled and I picked up my backpack and went to work.
