The Tragedy of Relapse

[Thomas3.20.2010]

-          You were just diagnosed with a malignant life threatening illness

-          You tragically lost your Mother, Husband, Child

-          Your house was burned to the ground

-          You divorced, went bankrupt and face homelessness

-          You were laid off the job you’ve had for 12 Years

-          You became the victim of a violent crime

What would it take? What might be your “reason” to forfeit your Quit Journey?

These are the times when some members come here in tears and confess that they relapsed. Many are waiting and expecting an outpouring of sympathy and support for their relapse!

I have seen times when the Elders have been criticized not only by the relapser but by other well meaning members for not offering unconditional love and support believing that we don’t understand or sympathize with their situation.

In fact, Elders understand all too well how the person relapsed! We don’t just talk the talk – we walk the walk! Sadly, many of us have lived out the above scenarios smoke FREE! Circumstances didn’t make us relapse because we know that there is no “reason” to smoke!

N.O.P.E.! No Matter What!

I’ll speak for myself – I have genuine sincere sympathy and compassion for the tragedies of life. I’ve experienced them myself like virtually all of us!

And I am far from holier than thou! I’ve relapsed dozens of times! Look up serial relapse and there is my picture! But those days are gone forever!

How can I be so totally convinced?

 For the Recovering Nicotine Addict – tragedy doesn’t “make us smoke!” That is another Nico-lie! Relapses aren’t caused by life’s circumstances. Relapse is the result of violating the Law of Addiction. Any excuse a relapser gives for “slipping” is total non-sense.

[The Law of Addiction: “Administration of a drug to an Addict will cause re-establishment of chemical dependence upon the addictive substance.”]

Recovery is the process of unhooking the relationships we have made in our Addictive Brains with Nicotine under all circumstances. Nicotine didn’t stop the tragedy and it certainly won’t solve or relieve it either! In some instances, Nicotine actually created the tragedy – I’m thinking of smoking-related illness – now that is the tragedy we fight daily to help you avoid!

Now you have the first tragedy of life compounded by the second tragedy of relapse! How has that made anything better?

Should the self-confessed relapser feel better after explaining their thought processes leading to smoking “just one?”

 I often read things like “don’t beat yourself up!” and while guilt can be the very weapon of our Addiction to keep us using, if you are here to save your LIFE as opposed to feeling better for relapsing you probably won’t take much comfort in the hugs and well wishes. What you really need is to learn from your mistake and return to your Recovery as soon as possible!

I’m not here to gloat over other people’s failures! I’m here to protect my own Quit and to impart truth that could help you protect yours for all our sakes!

Why? Because I am my own victim! I have a chronic progressive incurable smoking related illness! I want better for you and the best I can get for me and for others suffering from smoking related illness.

I’ll give you a hug for your personal tragedy but not for your relapse!

If that’s not what you want to hear, then

“take what you need and leave the rest,

To be helpful is our only goal!”

Living Life on Life’s Terms – one day at a time for 2447 smoke FREE days!

[elvan]

Beautiful blog, Thomas.  We all need to deal with our relapses head on, it is the only way to prevent ANOTHER one. It took me a while to get that because my first instinct is always to nurture and mother people, it really isn't doing ANYONE any favors. 

This really is a personal journey and we are responsible to ourselves, no one can do it for us and no one can hug us through a relapse. What we can do is to offer the best possible advice we have gained from our own experiences.  My picture is right next to yours in the serial relapser dictionary.  I gave myself every conceivable excuse to fail, I am seriously SO GLAD that is over.  I am seriously so much happier and so much more my own person now than I was when I smoked.

Hugs,

Ellen

[Storm.3.1.14]

Thomas, when it comes to serial relapsers, I've garnered a reputation for being one of the "hard-liner" Elders, and with good reason. The #1 reason is that, despite our pleas to reach out to us for help and support and information and compassion, the cigarette beats us and wins, 95% of the time. The feeling I get is that, at the moment of rescue that we're all here for, relapsers most often do not choose us. On the knee-jerk-reaction surface of that feeling, I'd say that I got sick of playing second fiddle to a cigarette. But, more deeply, the real answer touches on something you said above: "Recovery is the process of unhooking relationships...". That is the real crux of why I walk away from serial relapsers. If I'm not helping the person, then I "unhook myself" from their chosen trajectory, because they're not headed in the same direction that I am. And, ultimately, I have to nourish MY quit, first and foremost. I honestly wish I could help save everyone, but the truth is that I can't. I can best help those who are helping themselves, and that's my truth.

I could say much more, but I'm not going to rant on your blog, my friend. (I have my own journal for that. Ha!)

Thank you, Thomas!

[Mike.n.Atlanta]

You can speak for me also Thomas. I hope all read this.

Keep on keepin on my friend,

M n @

  Smoke free for 12 yrs, 1 mo, 4 wks, 1 day, 14 hrs, 13 min and 51 sec...52...53...54...55...56...

[KJay]

With respect ( and admiration ) for the elders above ( Thomas, Nancy, Storm so far , who knows who will post while I write this ), I guess I am a firm line punk, time-wise, for relapsers who minimize their own contribution to the relapse. Two evenings ago a former member here blogged about a relapse and apparently expected some Soft Ears, strokes, coddling, a chorus of soft cooing sounds, whatever. And this former member had an almost 200 day quit. Much of the bloggers story - and all of her attitude - came out in her comments detailing the incident to one of the Soft Ears that responded. The relapser took a shot at an Elder who had responded in part with a truism about how having a cigarette changed nothing about the near road accident which led to the relapse. The blogger interpreted the truism as some sort of cruel taunt, goad, or provocation. Blogger wanted no further comments from the peanut gallery. And Bad Elder's attitude and comments just made her feel worse, and that was one reason she rarely blogged here. She then sacrificed hubby on the blame altar. She was only a passenger in a vehicle driven by a chain-smoking husband on the return leg of a very long trip. Hubby left cigs next to her, alleged drunk driver nearly ran them off the road, cliche viewing of life flashing before eyes resulted in cig being grabbed and smoked by her and she was not even conciously ( she said ) aware of it. Almost 200 days of keeping them away from your face, and you are not aware of it ? Hmm. Well, I smelled something, but it wasn't smoke. So I commented, after reading her page and previous blogs. Some suggestions about driving with smokers, respecting her addiction opponent, and renewing her quit ASAP. I also called her out, point blank, that she had to accept responsibility for her quit. It was hers, and hers alone. I checked back on her blog before bedtime a couple nights back and noted some other comments posted after mine, but none from the blogger. I looked for that relapse blog yesterday morning, but it had been removed, and all comments erased. So I guess she took what she needed, and left the rest. Kjay

[JACKIE1-25-15]

Thank you Thomas, this really needed to be said.  Sometimes I feel like the relapser believes it is our fault that that "slipped" and did not come back here before the "slip"  Or they come and test the waters and we aren't saying what the addict wants to hear and they leave again because they wanted to. Sorry I like Storm don' get me started.    Recovery. is real.  

This is is what a slip looks like. 

[KJay]

Oops!

[TerrieQuit]

Awe, this is a great blog, Thomas! It is no one's fault but their own  if they relapse. I just wrote a blog yesterday about what I am doing to stay strong and NOT relapse. I came here and I blogged, I got my quit tools out, and many answered that blog. When I pledge to do whatever it takes not to smoke, I mean it! I love all these comments, too! Splendid!

Don't Quit on your Quit!

[Storm.3.1.14]

  Take a look at the other major addictions  : alcohol and meth and crack and prescriptions, etc. The family and friends of these addicts   try and try to help on a daily basis, but are often powerless against the addiction. So, what do they do? They schedule an intervention, the point of which is to say, “We’re done. We’re exhausted. There’s nothing more we can do. You’ve left us no choice but to walk away   for our own sanity. Please,   please…seek   professional help.” (Not only is this common practice, it’s encouraged by therapists.)

  Why do we beat one another up for doing the same thing?! Why, why, why do we so often insist on treating   our addiction -   the deadliest on Earth! - with velvet gloves?!  

  At some point, I decided that the ones who struggle here most are the ones in true need of   certified facilitators who offer   comprehensive treatments at the local hospital or family health center. (Well -   gosh! -that automatically disqualifies 98% of us here!)

  What if we   all here (Elders and relapsers) are desperately (futilely?) trying to pair untrained therapists with the most chronic and persistant cases of addiction? (Take a moment to reflect on that fact, that EX isn’t a certified family health center or rehab clinic.)

  Anyway, just wanted to add a topic of consideration. (I said I wouldn’t contribute more, Thomas, but look how long that lasted. Hehehe!)

[Stopforgood]

Excellent Blog.  Truth, honesty, and offered in the kindest support.

A big Thank You to all the Elders and logner term quitters for providing direction and support!

[Giulia]

Quitting takes guts and gumption.  If you can't face the hard truth about your addiction, and your specific relationship with it, it's likely you'll continue to relapse time and again.  And if you can't take some constructive critical behavior analysis, if you're that fragile, how do you expect to overcome this addiction?  We're not here to beat relapsers up.  That serves no purpose and most relapsers do enough of that themselves.   But we do want quitters to stand up for themselves (against their addiction) and by themselves.  That takes unvarnished Truth.  We want to make them stronger, not weaker.  What we're attempting to do is to teach relapsers to recognize that an excuse is simply a need cloaked in a lie.  And sometimes, especially with serial quitters, that analysis needs to be particularly blunt.

Perhaps on the new platform there'll be a Relapse Petting Corner where "slippers" can go to announce their excuse and only receive gentle hugs and "try agains."  And when they've been psychologically nourished enough and feel better about themselves, hopefully they'll venture back into the land of addictive reality and have at it again.

To my mind it's the behavioral aspect of quitting that's the most difficult to overcome.  Part of our education is self-analysis.  Quitting is about learning to get over ourselves in order to get on with ourselves.  Behavior modification takes work and you need to be open-minded and able to receive constructive criticism.  It’s not for the faint of heart.

Very potent blog, Thomas.  VERY potent!  As are the responses.  And a good link to copy to point people to. 

[YoungAtHeart]

All I can add is, "there is never a good reason to smoke; there are ony excuses!"

(and we who have been here awhile have heard most of them!)

Thanks for this, Thomas!

Nancy

[KJay]

@Giulia Thanks for the laughs inspired by your Relapse Petting Corner idea 🙂 Sadly, the blogger I referenced in my first post to this blog was apparently looking for exactly that, and her apparent Post Traumatic Smoke Disorder tripped her up. A pity she blogged a blame agenda wrapped up in manipulative snarkiness ; accountability and humility left on her side of the keyboard. That "Slipper" could well benefit from a double espresso version of that beverage recipe you included on a Terrie quit blog a couple weeks back. So call me a hard-liner, call me callous, call me whatever it is you call someone who doesnt dispense sympathy in response to a head-butt. And as for all you Big Meanie Elders, it seems clear that the beatings you dispense will continue until morale improves.... Kjay

[MarilynH]

Thank you Thomas for this awe inspiring blog , congratulations on your 2447 smoke free days and counting , I am also a serial quitter but thankfully I finally wised up and I realized with the help of this community that quitting is difficult but very doable and remaining smoke free is glorious , vigilance is key to success ! 

[Legend]

Thank you for sharing your wonderful blog. 

[MePlus3]

From what I've witnessed you guys do an excellent job with those that relapse. To encourage a person to get back up is what we're here for, now if they get offended that's on them. I feel this is a beautiful community of people. When I first joined and slipped it was rough I wanted to leave. After seeing everyone asking me to stay I began to take what I needed and left the rest and I'm so glad I stayed and kept trying!

[c2q]

Forget about guilt and blame. Quiting smoking is up to you.

[Silverstar]

Boy, so many weird things happen when I skip a day of reading blogs!!!  This is a good discussion, I am glad you wrote about this subject, Thomas, and thank all the elders for responding and also for being here every day.

As a newbie, I don't have a stance on this other than to say that it feels awkward to comment on a relapse blog because I don't want to say it's OK and I don't want to be harsh or judgmental - I just want to be on the fence and be supportive, but guess sometimes a person has to make a stand.  If I had a lot of time quit, that would probably be easier. 

I do want to agree with Storm, though, when he said he wants to distance himself from serial relapsers, because they are not traveling in the same direction.  That is how I feel, like I don't want to get close to someone who isn't going to stay or work hard, or who you just know is going to break your heart.  But, how do we decide whether someone is here to stay, and for whom one word might make the difference?

So, I understand the dilemma, applaud all of you for the tightrope you are walking, and all the good you are doing.

Jacqueline