Taking the first step....trying to be honest with myself and my loved ones...and stop being a liar! "I'll cut down or quit and smoke just one now and then"

[gretchin]

This is more for me on a personal level, trying to 1. write about how I feel and 2. telling my boyfriend and myself the truth about my smoking. I've always tried to hide it or make an excuse for smoking due to stress or whatever. Although I am writing this for "DJ" it probably has a lot in common with a lot of you trying to quit. Honesty is the best policy, always, but we have to be honest with ourselves first before we can be honest with other people.

DJ, I want to apologize for saying that you didn't support me in the smoking thing last night. I know that you have and that you have tried, in your own way. I guess it just didn't work for me AND I guess I wasn't ready AND I guess I didn't want it. I know that you hate it. I never really hated it. In fact, I enjoy/enjoyed smoking sometimes and sometimes I didn't/don't. That is the problem. I am finally ready. I have been fooling myself. I've been doing a lot of research the last two days because since last Wednesday (that night I was really drunk) I have been smoking off and on, over two weeks now. I remember buying a pack that night from the Pilot. Seriously, typing this email makes me want a cigarette to be honest because it makes me really nervous telling you all this. BUT, I will NOT smoke any longer from this point forward. Today is my last day, with or without you, I am done. I need to be really honest with myself, most importantly, so that I can be successful in MY fight with MY addiction AND YOU from now on, if you want to still help me and I hope that you will/do. I tried that once before but I think/I know I held back. I have to get "that I can hide it from you out of my mind". It is no longer an option. Even if I can get away with it and you never knew/know, I don't want to anymore. I'm tired of it. I have an addiction, A STRONG ONE, a really strong one, even if I can go days/weeks/months without a cigarette. I realize that now. I even lie to cover it up. I may lose you for telling you all this and the following....but I have to get it out. Get it all out in the open so I can't fool myself anymore or try to fool you. I now know that I wasn't fooling you, I only thought that I was. The first step is to be totally honest with MYSELF and others about MY addiction. I can't hold ANYTHING back or it will always be in the back of my mind that I can get away with it sometimes. I lied to you when I told you the cigarettes were not in the house, they were. They were in my black daytimer backpack in the closet. I have bought a total of 3 packs during the last two weeks. I have smoked them all. There is no more. That IS everything there is to tell. There, now you know everything and the truth. Now I feel better. I would like your support through this but I understand if you can't. You are going to be very hurt and mad by what I just told you but it needed to be told. I can't let the FEAR of your response to all this affect me anymore. Too many times I have lied to you about it so that I could smoke, so that we didn't fight, so that I didn't hurt you, because I was ashamed, and sometimes because I wanted to get away with it because I thought that I could hide it (the times I enjoyed smoking the damn things). Being able to hide it and lie about it made it earsier for me to smoke - I thought in the back of my head that I could get away with it and that you wouldn't know (sometimes). I thought that we (our relationship) would be fine if you didn't know. Truth be told, even if you and I are fine and stayed/stay together - I am only hurting MY HEALTH - forget our relationship for a moment, I am hurting ME! Don't get me wrong.....it WASN'T EASY. It seems that I am sitting here, typing these words and telling you these things as if it didn't matter to me, that I tried to hide it, lie to you, or that I didn't care.....I do care about our relationship and I care about you and I care about hurting you and everyone else who loves me and that I love (family & kids). The crazy thing is, the guilt and fear of telling you, or you finding out and catching me, the stress of trying to hide it and the pain of lying to you, made me only want a cigarette even more. Because for me, stress is a "trigger"..... it is a crazy cycle that never ends and will not end unless I END IT. I hope you are still reading this.... if you are still reading this, please keep reading below. As I said, I have been doing some research the past two days and I found some things that describe me (I pasted them below). Please keep in mind that you and I are different people with different chemical make-up with different ways of dealing with things, etc. Just because you were able to stop and never do it again doesn't mean that it was/has/will be that easy for me. It is/has been really hard. It will be harder this time because I am serious now, more than ever about what "I" want; not what "you" want. I am doing this for "ME", not "you".

"The ex-smoker who takes a drag and doesn't get hooked gets a false sense of confidence," writes Joe...


I guess this describes me a little. I seem to be able to go long periods without smoking but then as soon as stress hits or I go to Florida, and yes, sometimes, here in Tennessee, out of boredom too, I have one or two or more cigarettes, sometimes smoking for up to two weeks. However, I am able to stop at that.....so far..... One thing holds true......there is always a next time. I am fooling myself by thinking that I have control because I have been able to stop so far when I want and for long periods of time (months even). Then why do I smoke at all? I don't have the answer to that. Maybe I feel in the back of my mind that I can have one if I really want or "think" I need one when stressed and not get hooked. But the craving and want is always there, from what I read, it always will be, upward of 30+years even, so I CAN'T GIVE IN - NOT ONCE - NOT OUT OF STRESS, BOREDOM, OR JUST PLAIN WANTING ONE. I think I already told you this but sometimes I looked forward to going to Florida just so I could smoke. To be honest, I really do enjoy smoking and I hate it at the same time. So, have I really quit? NO, until now, I have been fooling myself! No more. I found this one website from the TV commercials, www.becomeanex.org, it has been really helpful so far. People can blog about their feelings and communicate with others who are going through the same thing. I'm not sitting here blowing smoke up your butt and making excuses. THERE IS NO MORE EXCUSES OR THINKING THAT IT IS OKAY EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE. IT ISN'T OKAY ANYMORE. I have finally had enough. Like I said, I have to do this for me and my health because it is what I want to do - not just for you or "us" anymore. I love you but that wasn't enough, don't get me wrong.... IT HELPS that you hate it and don't want to be with someone who smokes. It helps that I love you and don't want to lose you. So you being in my life has helped, it just wasn't enough alone. I do love you DJ. I love you very much. I am so sorry for all the hurt I am and have caused you. I understand and won't blame you for any decision that you make or for getting upset. I can handle it now and finally take responsibility for my addiction and the pain and hurt is causing you and me. I hope and pray that you will try to be understanding and deal with all this - WITH ME. Even if you don't, I am still not going to smoke. I'm not scared anymore. I feel peace about my decision and I am at peace with sharing every single tiny detail with you. That is the only way I am going to be successful. I'm really sorry DJ!  
 

                          

I'll cut down or quit and smoke just one now and then

You are addicted to a substance that is five times as addictive as cocaine (15% vs. 75%).  You may be strong enough to cut back a bit but you'll remain addicted, the decay will continue and a recent study indicates that your health risks will remain unchanged. If you were a pack-a-day nicotine smoker and after quitting you decide to smoke just one cigarette, you might as well get ready to smoke the other 7,300 for the year too as full and complete relapse is virtually assured. The Law of Nicotine Addiction is simple - one puff of new nicotine and it's over! Yes, 95 to 97% of those who smoke nicotine from just one cigarette will immediately or soon thereafter experience full and complete relapse back to their prior level of nicotine intake or higher.  Your addiction permanently transformed your brain into a highly efficient nicotine processing machine capable of generating a steady output of dopamine. Quitting is a process where the brain learns to function without the extra dopamine but it does not alter your processing potentials.  After quitting, the jail remains but is empty and you're on probation for life!