The ups and downs of quitting I know are to be expected and I remember I need to change what I'm doing and breath through the cravings . some are way tougher than others.
When those moments hit I try to remember the bigger picture, the long term goals I have set for myself. After MANY years of stuffing my feelings and doing what others wanted and expected of me it took a toll on my life.
I never really have had a feeling of control over my life except a brief time in my early 20's . I grew up with a very manipulating and controlling toxic mother and right out of that and into a marrage of someone who also is very controlling. Combined with bringing my 3 sons into the world and a belief that They didn't ask to be brought into the world so it is my job at ALL COSTS to see them through til their 18th birthdays pretty much distroyed anything I wanted for my own...job...hobbies...activities, etc
Then 3 years ago my dad died and my oldest son pretty much abandoned the family and it was too much for me . The 2 people I thought would be there for me for much longer ....and I buried myself in a bottle and a pack of smokes and not much else. I functioned on auto pilot for many months and more days than not just wishing I wouldn't wake up. ...while taking care of everyone elses needs because they demanded it of me.
Then one day it dawned on me , I have given up this much of my life for others I'm not ready to give up the rest of it to them too . I want more! They won't be here for me ...but I can be here for me....and its taken time
it isn't something you change in one day , it isn't something you fix and just goes away after a week . its a life time of habits and enabling that takes time to change, its a mind set that has to change. 46 yrs of living my life for others , now I'm trying to figure out how to live for myself and that is one day at time right now ..and remembering to breath through those anxiety moments and not let my past sneak back up on me. I'm not ready to give up. There will be days of up and downs and I just have to remember its all part of the process and the bigger picture and what am I willing to do to get there !!! I will remeber that I won't feel like conquering the world everyday but maybe I will tomorrow.
