19 months in, I still have to stay vigilant. It's not all the time like it was in the early days, where I literally hung on by a breath with each passing moment. It's important to remember to never let your guard down. I'm still with a smoking spouse, and it would be so easy for me to reach into a pack, grab one and smoke it. But good God gravy, why would I do a thing like that?! The mind likes to play tricks sometimes.. tells me "Hey man... its cool, you can smoke just a couple puffs.. be like old times, bro." -- That voice in my head is full of shit. Always stay on guard is my creedo. Even when I relax, sometimes I find myself walking past smokers at my place of work when on my break, and I get that little whiff of tobacco.. She's a cruel mistress alright... smells good, for about a half second. Then it all comes back to me, I'm walking and moving and eating and breathing and living all without a craving for a smoke. It's AWESOME! Sometimes its funny if I'm with smokers at work and they haven't been able to go on break for several hours, watching that change? You know, the one we used to feel when we were deep in the nicotine? Where we had to go have a FREAKING CIGARETTE right THE HELL NOW!
I cannot begin to express, how good it truly feels, to not be trapped like that anymore. To not have that unending weight on my chest where all I was after, was my next fix. Its just such a fantastic freedom! So at 19 months later, what else is it like for me? Weight gain. That was my choice though. Cheeseburgers are my kryptonite, and I'm OK with that just for today. I put on a few pounds, (few LOLLOLOL, who the hell am I kidding, ok so a few DOZEN pounds... whatever). I do walk a few times a week, and am working to be more fit. Some people do the fitness part much better. I was great at it in the first year of my quit. I walked every day, 3 to 5 miles a day. Then when I hit one year I was like "wow that was a lot of work, someone pass me a doughnut". I got lazy. I'm glad I'm writing about it, because this can help motivate me to eat better and get in shape again. I'm not getting any younger.
I am so glad I quit smoking, no matter how much weight I gain or lose, that is something I can manage. I was unable to manage my addiction. It was only by the grace of a power far greater than me, a simple DECISION to not allow a combination of chemicals to rule my daily life, and the support of friends, family, and the friends I made at EX that I am where I am today. Free.
This path does hold a promise, that staying smoke free gets easier each day if I keep doing the right thing. No matter what, never pick up another cigarette. I've worked too damn hard. And the lesson I'm learning again now, is not to get lazy. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow, I'm not promised I won't get lung cancer or some other terminal illness. But then again, who among us is guaranteed tomorrow?
Grateful to be alive. Thankful, so very thankful to be truly free from smoking.
- schwack
