Hello,
I will be resetting my clock this weekend. After 287 days. (260 days of honoring my quit)
I slipped a few weeks ago.
I was driving home.
I felt fear, sadness and lonely.
Having a blue day.
For myself and if it helps anyone – where my head was when I stopped to buy a pack of smokes:
I could handle my PSTD problems. What I couldn't handle were my feelings of possible rejection.
I love someone who lives far away- due to being in intership right now. We go months before we can see each other. They are being very distant – you know that gut instinct - when you start down the path of ending of a relationship. We are still going through the distant phase. I am allowing time to show me the truth. You cannot control how and if people love you. You should not need to ask if someone loves you or is falling out of love. They will tell you or you need to decide if their love is enough for you. Does their love for you make you happy or sad. I shared that I need to be acknowledge and that their “new” distance not calling, texting or trying to Skype as much hurts me. That is all I can do. I need to only focus on myself. How I feel, what can I accept or cannot accept. How much space and time do you give someone you love to sort things out? I continue to give my love, love is a not scoreboard to keep a record of who does what, when or how often. But, let’s just say- I am the home team with 100 points giving love, and my love has 30 points of giving love. You could say I am winning – because to give love is divine. You could say I am losing. But, you know when they feel differently, less time together, less texting, omitting the " I love you" words and only saying or texting them briefly. It takes two for a relationship. I know I can choose to accept it or leave it. Love is so damn hard. It has its rewards and sorrows.
During this time of feeling the start of the end -
I didn’t want to reach out to anymore or my high power.
I just wanted to avoid my feelings.
I picked up a pack of cigarettes on my way home.
I told myself. Just smoke and get through this “blue” time.
Cigarettes will be your friend, you need to relax and keep your sanity during this blue time.
Don’t start acting needy. But, at the same time don’t play games. If you love them continue to love them.
Cigarettes have always been my one friend I could count on.
I can just sit and smoke- No need to talk. In the morning, you can deal with life.
Well here is what happened to me.
Did smoking help? Maybe for a few hours. But, I now I am hooked. I am now addicted again.
Did my problem go away because I smoked? NO
I now face the problem of having to restart my quit.
Do I regret my behavior? Yes
Who do I have to blame for this failure? Me
It was my choice to buy that pack of smokes on my way home.
I now feel great shame and have more problems to deal with.
I know that being honest and gentle with myself I will come out stronger than my first quit.
I not going to write about how hard it is to quit. How much I miss smoking.
The fact is. I miss being a NON SMOKER. So, I will have to deal with my regrets.
Dealing with love is just part of life. Cigerattes don't help.
Take care. Thank you for reading
