Smoker who does not smoke anymore

[Daniela2016]

Life has a way to get to you, and lately, more often than expected, the desire to go back to smoking hit me many times.

• seeing a driver in traffic hanging an arm out the window, holding a smoking cigarette
• slipping on a cigarette butt (of all things, really?)
• walking in a crisp morning and smelling smoke from a grill someone was using
• speaking with a co-worker who just came back form a cigarette break
• receiving a "Cuban" cigar (yes my co-worker brought me one from the Cayman islands), and sniffing the aroma; it will go to my son to have it over the holidays, but I had to sniff it, looking for the sweet smell of it.

And what I have been telling myself in all these occasions is that "I don't do that anymore", "I am a smoker who does not smoke".  And I feel like a fraud; I feel I started to fight the state of ex-smoker, it feels as all the benefits and blessing I have counted for now 587 DOF, fade in comparison to the state of permanent vigilance I have to execute every time the thought hits me.

No way will I give in, but (because there is a but) I am traversing a period when I feel the effort to stay away from the poison, to stay clean and clear of the addiction, is becoming overwhelming at times.

Work had been horrible lately, 12-14h or work/day, non stop, inbox continuously growing and me not being able to keep it to a manageable number, little jokes from younger co-workers ("I think you are becoming more emotional with age", really?), it all makes me feel I should step away from the place.  But it is the job which gives me the income, and that income pays for mom's medical insurance.  Got to suck it up for another 2 1/2 years.

I am sorry if I sound whiny, but I think I need someone to hear me, and you are my friends, my other family, and you helped me step by step to be where I am today.

Thank you for listening, I'll get ready for a walk, and my mind will clear a little, but I had these thoughts for a wile and felt it is about time I came here and come clean.  I will not smoke, just want to share with you all that I don't always have it easy, not even after nearly 600 DOFs.

Love you all!

Daniela

[Christine13]

Oh Daniella.  I'm so sorry work is a grind, and that you are always thinking about smoking.  I will say prayers for you to stay strong during this stressful time.  I am early in my quit and probably my advice isn't the best.  I am hoping you will pull through this ok. 

You sure never want to go back to the filthy habit of smoking.  Could you buy yourself some flowers to enjoy and smell instead?  I wish I had your number of days behind me.  Hang in there ok?

[ahhshucks]

I hear ya with the work grind!  I'm in the same position.  But, we as STRONG women, keep the grind going......and not smoke too!

I hope you have a great day!

Joy

[TW517]

Thank you so much for posting this!  I recently went nearly 4 weeks without any major craving.  Now I've had 3 days in a row, progressively getting worse.  Like you, I will not act on it.  But it does feel overwhelming at times.  Stupid addiction!!! 

I hate it, but nice to have your company in my misery today .  We'll get through it.

[Mortalzeus]

Daniella, the benefits and blessings will never fade!  I know this "State of Permanent Vigilance" and I had to wrestle with it early.  I learned to incorporate it into my life long journey along with striving to walk closer to God and being a better Husband, Father, and Son.  I guess I have adopted it as my personal ethos and embracing it has given me some inner peace.  You do not walk alone Daniella and Stay Strong. 

Darren

Your younger co-workers may want to consider some team-building exercises! IMHO  

[elvan]

Daniela2016‌ I am so sorry that work is so hard and that you are going through so much, your co-workers need to learn some MANNERS.  I know the feeling of the cravings coming on hard and strong but...hey, maybe I am lucky since I cannot BREATHE, I have a constant reminder of why I quit, I have a constant reminder of what I did to myself by smoking.  Who knew that COPD could be a "gift" that keeps on giving.  I DON'T crave cigarettes every day, it has been a long time since I did that, I DO crave breathing and being able to walk without gasping for breath.  I crave those undamaged lungs I used to have.  I really hope that things get better for you, I will say many prayers, I know you are stuck in a tough place needing the income and not feeling able to move on.  I love you, you are an amazing lady and I know you can get through this and celebrate your 600 day anniversary and then 700, 800, 900, and THEN the QUAD SQUAD!  You can do this sweet lady.

(((((HUGS)))))

Ellen

[Daniela2016]

Thank you Christine, your support is so helpful right now, don't you ever think where you are in the quit makes a difference, because it doesn't!  Thanks for your prayers!

[Daniela2016]

So sorry Joy about the work situation, but we have to do it, right?  So we are doing it, thank you for your support!

[Daniela2016]

Yes, we will TW517‌, this I not the first time cravings are hitting hard, and we'll get over them, thanks for taking the time to respond!

[Daniela2016]

Thanks Darren, you made me smile, my co-workers are actually my son's age, and they live in India.  And normally they are craving my support, but it could be my too "motherly" attitude (asking about their kids, families, knowing some of them for 8 years, and having spent some time in India training them) giving them permission to joke when I am really not in the mood

Things will get better, thanks Mortalzeus‌!

[Daniela2016]

Thank you so much Ellen elvan‌, you are always present when I need support, thank you my dear.  And you know how sorry I am your reminder had to be your illness...You are a wonderful lady and friend, thank you for being here for all of us.  Love you!

Daniela

[plug66]

hang in there Daniela......you are one strong cookie 

[elvan]

I can handle it Daniela2016‌, I am not sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I WISH I could help you, we lived there so long ago that the hospital I worked at isn't even THERE anymore from what I hear.  It was Arizona Children's Hospital and it was IN Tempe. I even walked to work when there were floods and many of the bridges across the Salt River were closed.  

It's going to get better for you, hold your head up high and show the dignity that you possess to those upstarts who were clearly not parented well.  I'd LOVE to meet them.  

Think of the coming Holidays...will Sebastian be coming there? 

Two and a half years isn't as long as we tend to think of it as being. If we were told that we had two and a half years left to live...it would seem like a very short time.  I remember telling someone a long time ago that I would never be a NONsmoker because I smoked but I can tell you without reservation that I WILL be an EX smoker.

Love, prayers,, and gentle hugs,

Ellen

[MarilynH]

First thing I want to do is give you a big hug and I wish I could do it in person but since I can't I'm sending you a huge caring, loving, gentle cyber hug from me to you dear Daniela, I wish your job wasn't so stressful but I know you are living your forever quit and you'll never go back to Day One again but continuing to stack up your precious Days WON is the gift of LIFE which you'll keep on treasuring on this awesome journey that we're all on together with N.O.P.E and vigilance because S.I.N.A.O for us Exers, I'm sending good thoughts and prayers up for you for things to settle down for room and prayers for tomorrow to be an easy work day.

[MarilynH]

[Daniela2016]

Thank you so much Ellen elvan‌, you are right Phoenix Children's hospital has moved to Phoenix, we just have the little St Luc hospital left in Tempe.  But walking in town is still a pleasure.  There is a lake manmade on the Salt River, and huge sky scrapers, beautiful area, people go sailing and canoeing on the lake, and we walk the dogs there sometimes.  There are so many new buildings around ASU, and the town is cleaning up nicely and becoming pretty pricey to live in because of the nice, central, nearby everything location!

The day has come and gone, still stressful, but it's over, or almost.

And you are right, I should be a little more confident, a little over one year is not a long time when I look back at 38 as a smoker.  I promise I will be patient with myself and do what it takes to make it better.

When I have so many wonderful friends supporting me, I can't do anything but walk straight the path we all know is the right one.

[Daniela2016]

Thank you so much dear MarilynH‌ Marilyn, you are so sweet, and so supportive of all of us.  You know I have been thinking today of Terrie, she posted a nice pic on fb, she looks good but she holds something in her left hand...and I thought how supportive she was to me at beginning, and how much I would love for her to come back...and also, as difficult of a time this is, I would not want to have to come back and start over...I hope she will soon be back with us, not only on fb, but also here.  And thinking of Terrie gave me some support today, hoping I'll be here to greet her when she'll be ready to come back.  And I know you will be here to do the same thing.  Tender hugs back to you, you have always been and continue to be such an inspiration.

[stAn3]

I kept relapsing. I didn’t want to do the work. It’s not that hard. Making the commitment to do it was the key factor for me. It stopped being hard when I accepted the fact that I had to do the work. Making that commitment was really hard though when overwhelmed by other stuff. Giving up years of not smoking over two years ago leaves me with 24 DOF right now. That’s over two years of struggling to get back to where I was before. I started trying to quit the day after I relapsed over two years afo. Couldn’t shake the habit. It feels so much worse smoking when you have recovered from nicotine addiction. Every time you smoke, you know exactly what you are doing. You can’t shake the guilt and self-condemnation. As hard as it is to not smoke right now, it would be infInitely harder if you gave in and took that first puff. Don’t romanticize the nicotine. It won’t make life easier. It will be one more BIG problem to deal with on top of all the other stuff you’re dealing with. 

[Giulia]

If the effort to stay free is becoming too overwhelming, then it's time to re-affirm your commitment and acceptance of the journey.  A course adjustment might be in order.  Perhaps going back and reading those old blogs that first motivated you?  Dive into Relapse Traps in the Relapse Prevention area.  

You know we not only go through the No Man's Land period during the first 4 months of this journey, but come upon it again periodically throughout our "forever quit."  Stress can really trigger those old cigarette comfort memories.   And so can change of seasons.  It's time to get excited about your quit again, Daniela.  I'm not sure of the how or what might re-kindle the fire, but perhaps it's something to think about?  Re-evaluate the journey.  Think  of yourself  as a non-smoker, rather than a smoker who does not smoke.  It seems you're being triggered all over the place at the moment.  Perhaps you need a new mantra.  Instead of "I don't do that any more," experiment and come up with something that works better.  And have FUN with it.  Maybe create a little ditty.  Get that sense of humor going again!  

This period WILL pass.  Stay true to you.  ♥

[Daniela2016]

Thank you Giulia, I will have to give some tought to your suggestions; and will need to take it in my own 2 hands!   And especially in my own head.  Maybe I need to start meditating again, get centered, do more for myself than just walk 30min/day.  And maybe when I walk, instead of listening to music, I should think of the journey and the progress I am making every day!

Is it easy?  There were time when I said it right here in another post, that it was easier than many other things in my life; and some of you elder quitters abstained from making comments on that.  And it is probably because during your own journey you had to go, like I am now. through times when things were not all easy, good and fluffy.

As you said, it is all in my own power to make better.  And I will, when I find that tiny little ray of sunshine to brighten my days. Maybe I should go back to the yoga studio again (btw the place I go to it is really packed, it has been in the neighborhood for a long time, but it really stinks!!!  They are using some blankets, cubes, and other objects as props, we are cleaning the mats, but I don't know if they ever clean those props, ever), but I stopped going mainly because I did not feel good in the stinky environment.  I need to start doing it at home, and if it my rug stinks from all my furry kids laying on it, oh well, at least I know who the stink comes from, it is just the 4 of them 😮

Of to work I go, and will check back later today to a TGIF post!

[Mike.n.Atlanta]

The only kind of smoking I do anymore.

Keep on keepin on,

M n @

[Giulia]

I think you've got a good idea to do more for yourself, like walking an extra 10 minutes, or doing yoga at home or...just a little tweak can promote the endorphins and might be just the spur that gets you motivated anew.