Day 7 no nicotine. Things are somewhat less dire than earlier in the week, but I am amazed by how strong the cravings are. I’m in recovery from drug use and decided to dovetail quitting nicotine on my recovery. I can say with much certainty: quitting meth was easier than quitting vaping. And people will argue that my life has improved more because of quitting drugs but in my opinion something that has this much hold on you, is legal, and widespread is just as scary as drugs. It’s addiction. It’s a micro aggression version of drug addiction. I sprang $500 dollars the first few days going shopping after work. I have literally been saving up to buy myself a car for months. I have not spent one dime on frivolous things. Then I quit smoking and bought myself a sloth onesie, tarot cards, chakra spray, a shower curtain, and a slew of other things chasing the good feeling that spending money gives us. I’m chasing the debit dragon. I didn’t do that when I quit drugs, I became MORE responsible with money, able to save.
But with nicotine it’s like I’ve become completely unstable and unpredictable. I got angry at people, and I never get angry. I’m like Mona Lisa flat mouth emoji. But not this week this week I am an anger factory. My mood is unstable and prone to paranoia. My roommate left underwear on the counter and I flipped out and called it gaslighting.
Someone actually said to me, “maybe you shouldn’t worry about quitting too many things in one year,” they actually suggested that I pick up the vape again. I quit using drugs and I’m only allowed one quitting behavior a year so I guess I’m stuck at my job too because I’m done quitting for the year.
Before I stopped using drugs I was convinced I would die from my lifestyle. I didn’t even get the COVID vaccine because I was hoping it would take me out. When I moved across the country and cleaned up, found a job and a place to live, suddenly I wanted the vaccine. It was like all of a sudden my life was valuable to me again. I started making goals and working towards them. I dream again. That’s what quitting is, looking at my life as too valuable to waste on a petty micro-addiction to vaping.
