And I want to feel like a winner, but I am really struggling now. All I have is my will-power, the promise I made to myself and it will have to be enough- but it is not easy and I cannot believe how these urges are kicking my a** still right now.
I went to a memorial service for one of the friends I lost June 19th. I had been so looking forward to it. This was the first funeral I’d been able to attend in over a year, because of the pandemic, despite other losses. Service was great- the memories, the hugs and laughter, even the common tears some of us couldn’t help shedding. I was fine during all of it, and the dinner afterwards, but on the way home- still processing all the memories with my friend- one comment got stuck in my brain. I’m sure it was the addiction’ s voice, so I try to to ignore it.
One of her other friends talked about the great times we’d shared taking cigarette breaks. At the time, I laughed along with others. But on the over hour long drive home, I almost lost it. The pain of her loss and such a violent, urgent memory struck me like a brick upside my head. And unlike other urges, didn’t end in a few minutes- or kept coming back the whole ride home,, along with my tears..
But I made it home without giving in. I know that as bad as I was feeling having a cigarette won’t help. I know it is just the addiction shouting. So I’m reminding myself that quitting/staying quit is a continuing struggle. I was reminded of the today. It ducks!
Unfortunately I can’t ever quit and be done. And as sad as that makes me, the pain of it all I’m dealing with now, I am determined to stay quit. NOPE, NMW!!!
And still the urge to smoke is shaking me, but I’m going to take a nap now. Hope when I wake up the addiction’s voice will be silenced— or at least is not so loud. I am so sad that my friend is gone, but I am a non-smoker today, tomorrow and for forever, even when I’m struggling. I might not feel like a winner today, but tomorrow I will. At least I hope so.😪
