Relapsed

[Rosie1917]

I relapsed. It has taken me a week to gather the courage to come back here to post this. I am so disappointed in myself and I feel like an idiot for being so excited about quitting. I feel really bad for letting everyone here down too. You guys have been so helpful and the support has been overwhelming. I feel like a liar, a hypocrite and a fake. People say not to beat yourself up, and I know they're right, so I'm trying to be proactive. I WAS really proud to have stopped and I SHOULD be really proud for what I was able to accomplish. Anyone who relapses, even a million times over, should cherish the days and weeks and months they go without smoking. I know my body is thrilled that it had that time to clean up a bit.

I made it 7 whole days with no smoking, and at the late night end of my eighth day I caved. It was like some alien took over full control out of nowhere. I felt crazed. I smoked one cigarette and it led, as it always does, to full blown relapse. I want out of this hell cycle of quitting and relapsing and quitting and relapsing. 

So...what did I do wrong? 

For starters, I got WAAAAAY over-confident. So much so I stopped taking the Chantix since I figured it was no longer really necessary. Bad move. I've never been one to adhere to medications for very long, but this was a big huge error. If I'm going to use the stuff to successfully quit, I need to stick to it. Period. So I'm talking with my GP about it which is a good thing.

The second mistake I made was very conscious. In that moment of crazed crave, I CONSCIOUSLY decided to NOT do any of the things I knew would prevent me from taking a hit - brushing my teeth, going outside for a minute, coming to the site to talk to you guys about my intense craving. I literally told myself, "You don't need that. Just have a smoke. You get one life to live and so why not do what you want in the moment. You'll quit again. You always do." And I remembered the little play I read on here about the nicodemon and I cried and smoked anyway. I repeat this every time I light up. It does make me hate myself. But, pity party is not really my thing, so it begs the question...

What do I do about it now?

-Well...I'm back here. I don't really think about it as 'square one'. It's a process to start smoking, and it's a process to quit. So I'm still here in the process. I smoked. I'm going to stop again. I want to stop. I NEED to stop. And it makes me feel good about myself when I do stop.

-I think taking a couple of days to practice routine changes and harm reduction techniques will do me some good. Talking to my doctor about re-starting the chantix - and then STICKING TO IT - will also do good. 

-Making the conscious choice to NOT come to this site when I OBVIOUSLY needed to was entirely on me. Folks here say repeatedly "Stay close" and now I know why. So, I need to just do that.

-And, though he may not love the idea, asking that my husband smoke outside for a while is probably going to be a necessity if I want to make this a permanent quit. I desperately want to be a non-smoker again, unfortunately I will never be a 'never smoker'. 

Monday is my new 'Day 1'. Maybe I can call it "Day 1 v.3k.2". Hahaha! That gives me a solid 5 days, including today, to get my head back in the game. I can do it. I know I can. 

[YoungAtHeart]

Don't look back except to learn from your mistakes.  ALL good moves to restart.  Having hubby smoke outside is another one, as is having him keep his cigarettes and ashtray hidden somewhere out of your sight (I assume that's where you got the one with which you lapsed?~)

Glad you're back.  This addiction is a strong one, and remaining strong, too,  and changing your mind's direction when it starts in your head is the only way to be successful.  YOU are in total control of your thoughts!

Let's get it done THIS time!

[JACKIE1-25-15]

I believe you can do it.  Adhere to your plan no matter what and you will make it. . You can, Yes you can. One day at a time. 

[Mike.n.Atlanta]

Yeah you're beating yourself up pretty bad there so ease up a little. I'm encouraged by the fact that your relapse has not been blamed on something or someone else. Huge step. You made a conscience choice to smoke & acknowledged that fact. I don't really care what anyone says, smoking is a choice. We just need to make the right ones. Wanna succeed? Make the right choice every time & the next time will be easier. It does get better.

[Barbscloud]

Sorry to hear that.   I know quitters can become over confident and quit their aids to early.  I always recommend you follow the instructions.  There's actually data out there that that's why some quitter's relapse. .  Having a setback in goals we want to achieve in our lives is part of being human.  You've made the right choice for yourself getting right back on track.  Many of us went for years before trying again.  That's it indication of how strong your commitment is. You are so not  

a liar, a hypocrite and a fake

. Even in the short time you celebrated your quit, you were supporting others with your excitement and positivity.  We all got to share in that and look forward to doing that again.  And remember to reach out when you're tempted and give us a chance to help you get through those rough moments.  There can be many of them in as we learn to deal with life without nicotine.  This community saved my quit a number of time early on.  

Monday will be a great day to celebrate a new beginning.

Barb

[elvan]

I am truly sorry that you relapsed but very encouraged by your great attitude going forward. You CAN do this, you WERE doing this & you can do it again with all that you have learned so far. I came here every morning & every evening when l first quit, l NEEDED it. I read & read & read & l learned more about myself & quitting than l ever thought possible. You are in the right place, do everything you have said you are going to do, you’ve got this Rosie, we’re sticking with you. Ellen

[msterling999]

Hey Rosie,

Attitude is everything.... Chose Life...and Chose to be an EX

Great first step in reviewing the relapse.

Have you read:

• Allen Carr's book, "Easy Way to Stop Smoking"?
• 100 Good reasons to protect your quit:  http://www.john-uebersax.com/diet/nosmoke.htm
• 101 things you can do when you quit smoking:  http://quitsmoking.about.com/od/cravingsandurges/a/101thingstodo.htm

Pick yourself up and read everything about your quit.  

I believe in you, now you have to learn to believe in you! 

Maggie

[DavesTime]

Ok, Rosie. You made a bad decision. You learned that "just one" is never just one.  I don't want to minimize how poor a decision it was--you clearly know that.  The truth is, many, if not the vast majority of us here, have done the very same thing.  I did exactly what you did more times than I can count (I'm a slow learner as far as this battle goes).  One time I was quit for over two years and, in a time of great stress, believed that one cig would help.  It didn't...and it took me 5 more years to quit again.  And yes, I beat myself up pretty good over that.  Self-condemnation doesn't help at all. You are smart enough to realize that you want to be free of this deadly addiction. So...use the tools that you've found here. Post a "help" when you find yourself ready to give in to temptation. And keep coming here and pledge to remain free every single day. And, no self-flagellation, okay?

[MarilynH]

Deep breaths and believe in yourself because we believe in you and we're rooting you on, you can do this and we're all here to help you in any way we can.....

[indingrl]

Cool- lesson learned and moving on - GOOD JOB

[Christine13]

Glad you are back! 

[CrazyQuitter]

Think of it this way, you managed to go 7 days without the smokes. Great job and great start. The first week is always the hardest. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit so maybe try and aim for that as your next goal. The more you practice giving up the easier it gets. I had relapsed several times before I could fully kick it. It does get easier. Be kind to yourself!

[nevergiveup]

As MarilynH said believe in yourself. Not always easy but doable. Glad you made your way back today. We're rooting for you. 

[Giulia]

I'm all for beating myself up if it produces a change in my behavior.  Telling myself I was an idiot to make the choice I did, or respond the way I did is okay as long as I understand that my idiot self can learn and move past that particular STUPID thing I did!  I think part of why it's okay to beat myself up is because I have a sense of humor about it.  It's more of a whack upside the head than a whip to the back that tears flesh off to the point of bleeding.  Being disappointed in ourselves it not a bad thing.  It's what we do with that disappointment that makes the difference between the whip and wack and failure or ultimate success.  

"I feel like a liar, a hypocrite and a fake."  Understandable.  But you weren't until the night of you're 8th day.  But don't you see, you only lied to yourself.  We who have been there, done that, understand.  It's not what WE think about you  so much as it's what YOU think about you.  You betrayed yourself.  You betrayed that Best of you.  That's what hurts the most.  But you've taken a good look at that.  And you see the mistakes you made. And it sounds like you've learned from them.  Next go-round will show whether you have or not.  If you don't put into practice what you said you would from what you've learned - then don't be surprised if you repeat the mistake.  

"I desperately want to be a non-smoker again"   You can be.  Just let that Best of you speak louder than the alien.  You got to Act III, Sc. 2 and then you went back to the prologue.  Gotta work on getting to Act III, Sc 3 and beyond.  A Quit Dialogue in IV Acts  Rootin' for ya Rosie!

[SuzyQ411]

Dear Rosie Rosie1917

I see so many positive things in your post that point to success for you.

You went back and examined what happened, what went wrong and what part your decisions played in your relapse.  As someone said above, the fact that you did not shift the blame onto others, is another positive. These actions are signs of a winner.

Yes. you goofed up. BUT you will come back stronger. msterling999 outlined a great plan. The other EX family members added more prompts, encouragement and support.

We ARE here for you and we will celebrate big time when you get back on the path to your quit. 

Success is in your future

 

[mabed88]

kudos

[mabed88]

u can do it

[YoungAtHeart]

@mabed88 

Welcome!

You have landed on a  post from 2021.  To better connect with current active members, you might want to start at Ex Community (top left), then "Active Areas."  

When you are ready, perhaps post a blog to introduce yourself.  You do that from that same homepage, but start at the center blue box, "Post a Journal/Blog."  You might include the product you want to quit, your quit date if you have set one, your nicotine use history, if you have decided to use a quit aid, and anything else you care to share.  I'm glad you're here.  I hope to see you on the blogs!

Nancy