I smoked today, after 12 days clean.
It wasn't a "slip" or an "accident". I made a conscious choice to go buy a pack of smokes and a lighter, and to smoke several of them while driving my car around.
I'm not intending to be judgmental towards anyone, I'm very happy for all of you, no matter how you've managed to sustain your quit. Just a few things that don't sit right with me that i wanted to comment on.
A lot of people keep saying "it's easy, just don't smoke" or "all you have to do is think positive". Well correct me if I'm wrong, but it's it was really that easy wouldn't everybody be quit? The truth is that for most of us, it's not that easy.
I went to NA for a good long time several years ago. We had lots of people come in, stop their drug use, and they were incredibly happy, everything was going great, it was easy for them. We called this "the pink cloud". It's a common phenomenon amongst addicts who are getting clean. But they aren't dealing with the reality of it. they aren't dealing with their feelings. Eventually, the cloud bursts, all the feelings come back, and a lot of them end up relapsing. I'm not saying that will happen to any of you and I certainly hope it doesn't. But I know from my past experiences, it really is not that easy if you want it for the long term. It takes a lot of hard work.
I guess I should feel lucky that I've never really suffered from pink cloud syndrome. For a few days, maybe. But my feelings won't allow themselves to be ignored. They must be expressed or otherwise dealt with, or they will take me down.
God knows I've had enough therapy to know how to do cognitive redirection, and how important it is. But dealing with negative thoughts doesn't mean just ignoring or repressing them. it means taking a good look at them, asking why do I feel that way, and then figuring out a way to redirect the thought into something positive, and by that I don't mean into a cheesy cliche, which if you're anything like me just ends up irritating you more.
"I can't think straight or figure anything out unless I smoke"
"That's partially true, because smoking for so many years has changed the way my brain functions"
"The longer I smoke, the longer it's going to take for my brain to get back to normal, so instead of smoking so I can "feel" clear headed, I'm going to go for a run and see if that helps".
...which is what I should have done today.
The other major thing bothering me is the fatigue. I was wearing the patch, there really is no reason that I should be having really strong withdrawal symptoms after 12 days. I'm starting to suspect that the patch is just some gimmick that keeps us hooked, just on a lower dose, so that the withdrawal drags out for weeks instead of just a few days. I'm not going to wear it anymore, I'm just gonna deal with it.
I read yesterday that nicotine affects our blood sugar, essentially it changes the insulin levels so that we are getting constant releases of sugar, and that's why we get hungry when we stop smoking, because the body has to re-learn how to stabilize the insulin levels. I had a hard time with blood sugar crashes even when I was smoking, and after stopping it's been horrible. I'd have a day or two where things went well, and then I'd need like three days of sleeping all day to feel normal again. I suspected it was the sugar and i ended up buying a box of twinkies and eating half of them in one sitting, hoping it would somehow instant release into my blood and give me some energy. Didn't work.
So, if the patch was keeping nicotine in my system, but not at the normal level, then my blood sugar levels were probably way messed up. I don't want to have to go through that again. So no patch, and I'm going to try to get an appointment with my medical doctor before the end of the week to discuss and/or test for possible blood sugar issues. In the meantime, I have some veggies which i'll go cut up and get ready for easy snacking, some cranberry juice to help get the nicotine out of my system, and just make sure I'm snacking frequently to try to keep things level.
I know that I also have to get more physical activity. I need to work on that. And instead of staying in bed all day because i'm tired and letting that to lead to depression which leads to relapse, I need to get up and go ahead with my normal activities.
I'm not sorry I relapsed. It's allowed me to see what things were working for me, and what weren't. I mentioned in a previous blog that quitting smoking is not just giving up one bad habit. It's a complete life makeover. and anything that big is going to take some time to get it right.
