I am So sorry, but I am having NO FUN at all. I am miserable. I relapsed for 3 weeks. and I did not carry the cigs in my car, did not smoke in the mornings, or during the work day (except for just one cigarette, one work day) and I am fighting this addiction as if it was my first quit, where I had smoked all day every day, everywhere and anytime I thought I needed one. Anyway, I'm in the middle of my 4th day.
The 136 days I had taunt me. I still feel like I want to throw a big tantrum. I keep looking at those lost days----coulda, woulda, shoulda. I don't know how other people that relapsed feel. I just know I don't feel as good about myself in the re-quit. The first time, oh man I am all that! sure it's hard and sure I am suffering, but look at me, miss Hot Shot Quitter. I don't feel the same about myself. I am doing it, but not feeling the same inner pride. I'm just trudging. And I told a friend that I wasn't depressed, but that I was totally flat. Didn't feel anything. She said that is also depression. I miss ME. Where am I? Where is my sense of humor?? (one of the good things I had going for me). And I got compliments on my writing, or how I said things, put them in my Terri-Unique perspective. That is gone too. In some ways, how I am feeling and where I am at is worse than same ole same ole depression or anxiety.
I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other and have faith that ME will come back, and the re-quit will get easier, and I'll be so happy that I will buy the World a Coke.
