I haven't written here for a while because the past few months have been a bit crazy for me. I'll try and sum it up for you, although now it's a little bit hard for me to remember exactly how the events unfolded.
At the end of September 2013, I found out that I was pregnant. I was thrilled with the news, of course, even though we weren't trying to get pregnant. A few weeks later, I found out that I was probably going to have a miscarriage. I waited and waited for the miscarriage to begin, and it took a long time. Once the pain started, it became unbearable. I was prescribed Tylenol #3 for the pain, and when it woke me up at 3am one morning and the medication didn't touch it, I set off for the emergency room once my kids left for school. They did surgery that day, and I had a D & C, as well as a tubal ligation.
My recovery was a long one, and I started smoking again. My husband started smoking again too.
At the end of January 2014, my husband decided he wanted us to quit again, and although I wasn't all for it, I went along with it. Of course, it only took a few days for me to lapse back into my secret smoking pattern again. After all, I knew how to smoke in secret, and I wasn't ready to quit yet. I just didn't want to.
My 38th birthday was at the end of March, and I started thinking, "How much longer am I going to do this to myself?" I started praying about this addiction a lot, and I asked God to help take the desire away from me. On March 27th, I finished a pack of cigarettes and told myself that I was done. I was glad I was done, and I bought a Blu e-cig to help me stay away from cigarettes. They had actually started to taste really bad to me, and I felt like I could do it.
I'm not sure if it was out of sheer habit, or just the addiction speaking, but the next day I bought another pack. I was pretty angry with myself. All morning long I just felt disgusted. I was doing the same thing I always did, driving around smoking, and wishing that I wasn't.
One of my smoking spots was the cemetery across the street from my house. I would frequently drive through the cemetery, or even park there and smoke a few cigarettes. I couldn't smoke outside at my house for fear that my neighbors would see me and tell my husband. On March 28, right around noon, I got pretty fed up. I had about 15 cigarettes left in a pack, and I hurled them behind a fence at the cemetery. I knew there was no way to recover them if I changed my mind. I went home, showered, and kept on using the Blu ecig for the rest of the day.
The next morning, my cravings came back pretty strong. Wouldn't you know it, I came up with an excuse to go for a "walk". I went back to the cemetery, and I tried like heck to get to those cigs I threw away. It wasn't possible, though. I kept walking, and I even went back to the places I smoked frequently, thinking that I might be able to find some butts that still had some life in them.
At that moment, I stopped. I thought, "What are you doing? This is crazy, and this addiction has completely taken over your life." I resolved from that moment on that I was just going to focus on today. I just wasn't going to smoke today. Tomorrow could take care of itself. I finished my walk (for real), and went home. I used the Blu ecig for the rest of the day.
The next day, I woke up and told myself the same thing: I'm just not going to smoke today. I was amazed at how much better I felt already, and day 2 was much easier than day 1.
By Monday, on a day when everyone went back to school/work in my house, I was amazed to find that I was feeling pretty good. I didn't have any urges to go and buy a pack of cigarettes, and I made it through the entire day without them. On Tuesday, it was the same thing.
By Wednesday, I started thinking more about my reliance on the Blu ecig. The disposable ones are $10 a piece and they last me about a day and a half. I really wasn't saving much money by using them. I decided to approach my husband about visiting the new vaping store that had opened up in our town. Once I explained to my husband that I wanted to get a better ecig, and that I wanted to use it to help stop the cycle of my secret smoking endeavors, he agreed that it was a good idea.
The next day I went to the shop, and the owner spent a lot of time with me. He helped me pick out a personal vaporizer (PV), and he let me try different kinds of e-juice. As soon as I started using the new PV, all thoughts of smoking cigarettes just left me.
My last cigarette was over a month ago now. I feel so much better, and it's amazing how much junk has been cleared out of my lungs. Whenever I smell cigarette smoke now, I feel sick to my stomach. I can't believe I did that to myself all those years. I can't believe that I was so deceptive for so long. My husband now also has his own PV, and we're enjoying trying out different juices together.
I know this isn't a popular topic for this site among many people. I also know that I've been told on more than one occasion that using an ecig, or a PV, means that you're not really ready to quit smoking, and you should come back when you are. There is so much misinformation out there when it comes to using ecigs to quit smoking. The media has done a great job of making people afraid because Big Tobacco (not to mention the US government) stands to lose a lot of money once smokers realize that these things actually WORK. They're better for you (no, they don't contain antifreeze), and many people have been using them for YEARS, and have remained cigarette free. Yes, nicotine is addictive, but there are so many other chemicals in cigarettes that are just as addictive, or more addictive than nicotine. Nicotine doesn't cause cancer, but those other chemicals do.
If you've been struggling to quit smoking, and you've tried every method you can think of, I beg you to try using an ecig. I would love to help you find the device that will work for you.
