I currently live on the border--El Pas, After 20 years of teaching high school, I lost a job and to my shock, have not found a new teaching position over the past 3 years. Still working to get one. I have a daughter of 18, and had 2 tumultuous marriages, one that involved 3 episdes of mild, but frightening, physical attack, and both contained severe mental abuse. marriages. The I was in therapy thought, the second I have recently realized I should attend some therapy for. This last ended only 2 years ago. But while I am bipolar, and have suffered a lot of depression and mania in the two years since, my life is considerably happier without him. The divorce broke his heart, not mine. I rarely think about him, and as I am bipolar, do not even link my depression to him. It was during the miserable marriage that I should have fallen into depression, but never did.
After my first divorce, life was a new beginning. I embarked on dreams that I had given up during the marriage, one being becoming a traithlete for nearly 10 years. I had been smoking off and on during the marriage, but I nearly immediately quit smoking and never had one puff for about 8 years. I also committed to the face that I could never date a smoker as long as I lived.
And then I finally broke down and eventually turned to vaping., In my second marriage, the guy initially about his smoking, and so I finally gave him the ultimatum that I would not marry him unless he quit permanently by a date that was 5 months before the wedding. He did and succeeded. 2 weeks after the wedding he returned to his pack-a-day habit. I tried to still resist, but when I'd get severe anxiety (equal to what I'd experience in this 8 years I was a non-smoker), I would smoke like crazy. Thought the marriage I was always returning, then quitting, and endless cycle.
But this time after the marriage ended, I didn't quit 100%. Yet someone I could buy a pack, just smoke a few, flush the rest and be okay for X time until the next episode.
Suddenly, only in the last two weeks, I fell bak again, but this time, as a total chain smoker. Throughj my 20's I'd smoke typically a half a pack a day--before I quit for those 8 years. In these past weeks, out of nowhere, I suddenly took up severe chain smoking--and smoke a pack a day, feeling very afraid right now of the hold it has on me.
That is what brought me here---when I struggled with an eating disorder way back, an online support group helped change my life with that disorder.
It ws a big surprise at how hard it was too find a true support site--and this is exactly what I was looking for and need. I feel like my addiction is 70% psychological and 30% the drug. Yet I cannot find any sources that caused me to return to it, other than I just embraced it as a crutch for my life, even though it hasn't changed that much from the previous weeks and months.
I wrote a lot, if you are reading this, I thank you so much. Quitting itself--though a pack of day will be a greater challenge--ihas always been. must easier than not returning to the smokes. So if I do succeed with my quit date, I am going to stay on the site for a very long time....
Again, thanks for reading. I look forward to all the support offered here.
Lisa
