First understanding why this weekend was so hard, I hate holiday drivers, i swear all the people who dont drive any other time of the year get in their car to go shopping.I am more exposed to people who are smoking, I am in my car where i used to chain smoke for an extended period of time, and John and I were both in the nicotine crave state and fed off of each other, I believe wanting the other to fail, which would "allow" the other one to fail as well.
Secondly admitting how very very close I was to slipping into relapse this weekend. Not only did I think about it all day, tormenting myself with the thought of having "just one" which is a BIG FAT HORRIBLE LIE, I looked at them, I got one, I put it in my mouth, and had a lighter in my hand, it doesnt get any closer than that. I was within a hairs breathe away from losing 54 freaking days, and I am very angry and worried it came that close.
Every lie you can tell yourself I told myself.
I tried every delay tactic I could think of,
wait 15 minutes
Go do something else
Etc, etc etc etc
And I kept coming back to wanting a cigarette. And to be honest, today has been like my first week, with a crave hitting me about every 15 minutes or so.
I have found a line a believe I am not willing to cross, the only thing that kept me from smoking was I told myself if I was willing to smoke I could, i jsut had to light it up and smoke it in front of my daughter,who would be devastated, and who believes me when I say i quit forever, I wasnt willing to do that, and I will keep that in my mind if I ever get to that point again.
Thinking about how to handle the next time that John and I have a bad day again, I know that it would not have gotten so crazy if we hadnt been feeding off each other.
I may not in the middle of crave crazy palloza be willing to save my own life but here is my promise, i will take 15 minutes and visualize my husband, lying in a hospital bed, with tubes in his nose, struggling to breathe, gasping for air, choking on the mucus that has formed in his throat, with a hole in his throat he has to breathe thru, and know I am playing Russian roulette with his life by enabling him, I will not be the reason he slips. He has read this and agrees he will abide by this as well.
I also promise that if I am having a hard day and realize he is as well, we will NOT discuss how hard of a day we are having with each other.
I will be better prepared the next time I go out and about, every smoker I see will be unable to buy OVER $2000.00 worth of presents due to smoking, they are not happy, they are addicts. I will guard my thoughts, and realize I am entering a vulnerable area.
I watched my video i made and recommitted to myself that no matter what, no matter how crappy I feel, no matter how strong the urge, I CHOOSE not to smoke.
