Good morning and happy Saturday! Tomorrow it will be two weeks since I quit. It seems like longer, much longer. I have thought about smoking in the past few days. That it would be enjoyable. But the next thought has to be the reality that you are putting toxic carcinogenic chemicals into your lungs, even though it may feel enjoyable in the moment. So, unfortunately, the answer has to be no.
I also never want to get back to the place where I have to have a cigarette to feel like all is right with the world. If it was early evening and I had some shows I wanted to watch that night but I was out of smokes, I would have to drive to the gas station to get some. Or figuring out how much money I have to put aside in the next week for my cigarettes, which was substantial.
Or feeling like a loser because I am the only one who smokes. Or hiding it from non-smoking friends and colleagues.
Or going through having to quit, yet again. The first few days is such a drag and I am so tired of doing it, as I have done it over and over in the past, never successfully. Its always stress that gets me.
But this time I feel is different. I am now actively afraid of cigarettes. In six weeks, my friend has gone from a beautiful vital healthy woman to being thin, weak, exhausted, cannot walk well without support, can't eat, can't sleep, lost her hair and is depressed. And its because of Marlboro Lights.
I visited her yesterday and we had an outing. An hour and a half to go to the coffee shop and the cupcake place was as much as she could take. However, the visit definitely cheered us both up and we were less depressed and more our normal selves last night than we have been. I am very frightened that she will deteriorate and die. I am going to take a day off from work every other week to take her out this Indian summer and fall to just hang out, maybe by the river, or in a park or something . . . where we can connect and help each other into this next phase of our lives, if that is what it is.
As you can tell, I am depressed. I am doing what I can to cheer myself up. I am pin fitting new slipcovers today on a club chair in a beautiful, cheery color (Tiffany blue with white piping). I think lightening up and freshening up the living room might make me feel better.
Best wishes for a good weekend to all my fellow quitters.
Marbech
